I am brand new to this board, just signing on today. I'm going to apologize ahead of time, this is going to be a very long post.
I have read through the book Divorce Remedy, but am hoping for more support here, and help with implementing my detach. We are completely separated, and have no children, so I'm worried without a reason to contact each other, he's just going to be OK moving on.
My husband walked out 3 weeks ago today, stating he wanted a divorce, and threw the whole gamut of negatives at me before going. It really hurt, we had a good relationship, but after reading in the book not to believe anything I hear, it made me feel better.
He was extremely extremely angry, and the anger just didn't make sense to me. I wasn't a perfect wife, but hadn't done anything that bad to warrant that much anger. I did all the things initially that the book says not to do........crying, begging, pleading....etc etc etc. As the book says, nothing worked. So I switched my mind completely into a more positive, upbeat frame of mind. That didn't work to bring him home, but it did get him to mellow a bit, and at least take divorce off of the table for now.
My husband and I have been married 14 years on 5/5, together 17 years. We bought a small business together 2 1/2 years ago.....a restaurant......and we both worked at the restaurant. The first year there it was all about him and I, building this business, and getting to know our customers, and our customers getting to know us. We created a family type atmosphere, and we were all like family with our staff and regular customers. I also worked from home, doing behind the scenes things like marketing, paperwork, dealing with emails, etc. etc. etc.
I whole heartedly believe this started last year for him. He just started to change, and become more distant with me, and more into having fun with his staff. Joking around, and acting more like friends with them. If I was around, sitting next to him, he couldn't carry on a normal conversation with me, he'd turn his back to me, but when his girls would come in, he would then turn towards me, just lite up with smiles, and became Mr. Chatty. At that point he'd pay attention to me because he knew I would be upset.
He started to become more distant, spending more time there, and paying less attention to me. I wasn't asking him to pay attention to me all the time, I was totally satisfied with sitting together a few minutes out of his day.
The restaurant became all about him, and he was beginning to push me out, and keep me home. My husband is way more than just the owner/manager, he is also the head cook, and spends his day in the kitchen, as well as trying to run and manage everything. I know it is extremely stressful on him, but it was his was his choice, he didn't want any help from me, and often criticized me. He said I tried to control to many things. I tried very hard to understand that he was stressed, but he put himself in that position. He would leave at 7:00 am, and not get home sometimes until 1:00 am.
I found out a week after he left that he had been having an emotional affair for a while before he left, with one of his staff members. She didn't have a vehicle, and it started when he would pick her up, and bring her home. The day he left our home, the affair became physical. Three of his staff members warned him about this woman. She is not a nice person at all, she's downright nasty. She physically pushed two of our girls, and called them the "C" word to their face.
Those three staff members chose to stand up to him, and have been quite angry with him. He lost their respect, and friendship. It has made it very awkward there for him, but he still defends this woman to no end.
He has chosen to defend her, and her actions, she is still around. She started out as a waitress, and when she couldn't get along with any of the staff, or our customers, he pulled her into the kitchen. Even the customers verbally complain to my husband about her!
Fast forward to this week. My husband has been making negative comments to one of the staff, who is also my friend. He stated that she is a raging alcoholic. He said last week that he is going to break it off with her, but hasn't yet, and knowing my husband as well as I do, he doesn't like confrontation at all, and gets nervous with heated situations, so he will put it off as long as he can.
Nobody likes this girl, she is well known in the community, and has a very bad reputation with anyone who knows her. My husband doesn't believe any of it he said. So when one of our staff was speaking badly about her, my husband had this woman call this staff member "to defend herself". The argument got heated, and this woman was harassing the staff member to the point she threatened to call the police, and file harassment charges.
One thing that confuses me about this, if he is seeing things about her that he does not like, the alcoholism for example, and knows he needs to break it off, why is he having her call our staff member, and allowing her to use his phone to do so, and then defending her? When the staff member confronted him, my husband said she needed to defend herself. I'm so very confused by this.
I know for a fact that if he is letting her use his phone, she is reading my texts to him, so at this point I have definitely decided it's time to detach from him.
The only only thing that makes sense to me about this, is that he sees this woman as a safe place right now, in spite of her flaws. He's feeling pressure from every direction, and I know he is dealing with the guilt because of what he's doing to hurt me. I've tried to remain extremely upbeat with him, and not blame, accuse, or get angry, and I don't think he expected that at all. I feel that's where his guilt is coming in, he expected me to blow up.
This woman is very much a person that will tell you EXACTLY what she knows you want to hear. She has her claws in deep with my husband, for her own benefit, thinking she's going to get something from him I believe. She loves the fact that he is respected by the community, and views him as someone higher up.
Over the weekend, my husband passed out in the kitchen. He has only done that one other time in the 17 years we've been together. It was shortly after we bought the restaurant, and the pressure and stress he was feeling was very high. So I know he is feeling pressure and stress right now.
I'm actually very worried about him, and our business. But I have chosen to detach right now. My only issue is that he controls the money now, and I have none since I also worked at the restaurant. I have to ask him for money to pay the house bills, since he is living outside of the home.
I'm trying to sell some items that I have, so that I can remain detached as long as possible. I'm feeling hopeless at this point though..........and worried.
M: 47 / H: 52 No children. Own a business together. Told me he wanted a divorce: 3/31 Moved out: 4/7 Confirmed OW: 4/16 Took divorce off the table: 4/24
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hi Lucy. I am so sorry you are here, but glad that you found the place for you.
Cadet will do an official welcome for you and will post many links. READ THEM! They are lifelines to us all.
I'm concerned about the money issue that you are facing. Are both your names on the deed? If so, then you should not have to ask him for money. Is the restaurant both of yours full time jobs? I don't know a lot about finances in this situation, but right away that is what struck me.
Your H is in a fog right now and not logical at all, but you need to protect yourself.
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
Thank you Eirinn. The restaurant was taken out in his name, but my signatures are on the paperwork as well.
If I ask my H for money, he will put it in the account, but I'm nervous how this will work when I'm trying to detach.
Yes, the restaurant was our sole income, we both worked it. So that means I am not working right now.
M: 47 / H: 52 No children. Own a business together. Told me he wanted a divorce: 3/31 Moved out: 4/7 Confirmed OW: 4/16 Took divorce off the table: 4/24
Also, I have a male friend who is married. He went through something very similar as my husband and I. He is telling me that if I just detach, and don't let my husband know the option is there for him to come back, he will just stay in the situation he is in, and not even consider coming back as an option.
I'm so very torn as to what it right to do.
M: 47 / H: 52 No children. Own a business together. Told me he wanted a divorce: 3/31 Moved out: 4/7 Confirmed OW: 4/16 Took divorce off the table: 4/24
Lucy- I promise you that support is exactly what you'll find here. That reason alone makes this board an invaluable resource, and there are many other reasons as well.
Please do not let yourself feel hopeless. There is hope. Even when storm clouds black out the sky the sun is still indeed there.
Is it your business as well? What did you used to do in the restaurant before? I would suggest you get another job and show that you don't need to be dependent on him.
It's going to be hard but you can do it.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I admire how remarkably calm and centered you sound given what you are describing.
Protect yourself financially above all else. If your H will give you some funds while you get yourself your own life, it is wise to take him up on that.
These situations, IF they turn around, take a very long number of months, and it is a very small percentage that do. If you can let go of hope, and do the DR routine in the meantime, that is your best chance I believe.
There is reference here to the Stockdale paradox, about the optimists being the ones that don't survive. I found it helpful when I got here to research that.
I'm sorry that you are going through this. Here you'll find a lot of people who have the patience to hear out of all your worries and can help sort out the best actions for you to take when you are in doubt.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thank you everyone, I truly appreciate the help! Couple questions.
1. I am going to give him a list of monthly household expenses to use each month to give me the funds I need. I am looking for a job, and will tell him so. Would it be best to call him, or just text it? After that is done, I want to have no more contact with him so that I can detach.
2. Zelda.....is Stockdale paradox just something I can Google for info?
M: 47 / H: 52 No children. Own a business together. Told me he wanted a divorce: 3/31 Moved out: 4/7 Confirmed OW: 4/16 Took divorce off the table: 4/24
