Her contributions: She was sexually abused as a child. We've been together since we were 21 and that trauma has caused her to be distant, controlling and struggle with emotional and especially sexual intimacy. She mimics a narcissist and an emotional abuser in this respect. Has never been the best or most supportive wife.
My contributions: The first 9 years (2001-2009) we were together her treatment of me bothered me but I never expressed it to her effectively. I loved her for who she was. We had our problems but we loved each other and the problems were never serious to the point where splitting was ever even thought of. In 2008 our first child was born (son). We move back home from being out of state for 8 years in Spring of 2009. We have to stay with my parents for what ends up being 18 months because of the economy and lack of work. I go into a major clinical depression for about a year. Get a great job in Spring of 2010. We move out of my parents house in February of 2011. Things are good. I am still not fully myself but much better. We are sleeping in same bed again. Having consistent sex. May of 2011 I get laid off. Wife freaks out. I collect unemployment and start working two jobs to get us by. Things are ok for a while. Wife gets pregnant with daughter (born 2012). I begin to develop daily, crippling panic attacks. Don't seek treatment for a year. Diagnosed with depression, anxiety disorder and PTSD (Marine Veteran from 2001-2005). I get on meds. I go to my job in the morning. Come home and can't function due to panic attacks. Sleep all afternoon. My wife shows no support but instead ridicules me. I thrust myself into a new hobby (golf). We try marriage counseling. I see no changes in her (when I should have been looking at myself). I have brief emotional affair in Spring of 2014. She says she wants out. I convince her to continue counseling. She agrees.
By the fall of 2014, she wants a 3 month trial sep. Agrees that the trial sep will not be followed by divorce. She says she just needs time away from me in the hopes that she will miss me. She promises that after 3 months, no matter how she feels, that I can come home and we can try some of my more proactive ideas to fix things. We continue counseling on an inconsistent basis during first three months and try dating. Kids are devastated I am leaving to go stay with my parents.
3 months comes (Feb 2015) and she says she needs more time and is not ready for me to come home. We stop counseling (not my call). March 2015 I get fed up and tell her it is time for us to start compromising and working on things. She agrees. March 29th we have a meeting to discuss a gameplan to start reconciling. Meeting gets heated. She flips the switch and says she can't do it. That she is done and wants a divorce. I lose it emotionally. Am able to convince her to reconsider.
I start working with my coach. One month goes by. April 18th I get her to agree to restart counseling with my coach. I set up the first meeting. April 22nd (last Wednesday) we have our first meeting. He spends the first 45 minutes alone with her. She comes out and tells me that she can't do this. She doesn't want to hurt me but she doesn't want to stay married to me only because she doesn't want to hurt me. She hugs me. I beg her to stay. She promised to give it one last try. She leaves.
Coach tells me reasons she gave were that she felt abandoned the last 5 years as I went through depression and anxiety problems. I wasn't there for her as a husband and I wasn't there for the kids. She needed me most and I was absent.
I see her later that night. She apologizes but reiterates that she doesn't want to stay with me and that there is no chance of reconciliation. I tell her that I understand how she feels but that I feel differently. I tell her I love her and that I don't want her to stay with me just because she doesn't want to hurt me either. I told her that all I want was a chance for me to prove to her that I am no longer depressed. That I am working my butt off to get back to being the real me and that I never intended to hurt her. I tell her I don't want to speak about it at the moment. I ask her if we can just give it some time to breathe. She is reluctant but agrees. This buys me time
Fast forward to today. We are 5 days removed from what happened. I am continuing working with my coach. Winning strategies are to give her space and time and not pursue but simultaneously prove to her, through actions and not words, that I am changing back to my real self by being an attentive father and husband.
So far so good. Five days in and I have had no slip ups. She has not made any mention of us or tried to address the divorce at all.
We (coach and I) believe that even though she is saying she is done that she may actually have doubts and is taking a step back to see if the changes she has been seeing in me for the last month are for real or not.
So here I am. Still at my parents house: My house where my wife and children are is in the same neighborhood.
That is as brief as I can get it.
The reality is that my wife's behaviors from the beginning of our relationship played a huge role in my depression occurring. And when I was depressed, she never reached out to me to help me. But. None of that matters right now because her reality and perception is that I abandoned her. I went from being a loving, caring and attentive husband and father for the first 9 years (and first 9 months or so of my son's life) to a shell of myself. There is complete truth to that and I own it.
I love my wife. She and my kids are my world and I do not want to lose them. Especially over depression. She has alot of anger and resentment toward me. Says she does not love me. Says it is too little too late.
But as I've said. It's been 5 days since the counseling incident. I've been sticking to my guns in both detaching from her and giving her space (not pursuing) but at the same time having daily contact with the kids and being attentive to her with anything she needs help with. So far she is not bringing up the split so I do believe I have bought some time and she is testing me and observing me.
Here is some more info I had posted under another topic: The Dance of Pursuit and Distance:
This topic is interesting for me because I (the man) am both the sexual and emotional pursuer. My wife is actually the sexual and emotional distancer. So it is flipped from the "norm".
Reading the description there are also some crossover with us. For example: I am a leader even though I am the pursuer. My wife is the controlling one even though she is the distancer.
How often does this type of thing happen? Where the man is the more emotional one and the pursuer and the woman is the more stoic and controlling distancer?
My pickle is this. My wife wants a divorce because I went through some depression and she deemed me an unavailable husband and father and felt abandoned. During our separation (which is going on 6 months) I have pursued her like crazy. It has backfired. The last month I have been trying to strike a balance. I am NOT pursuing her but am making a 180 in ensuring that I am much more pro-active in the relationship with my kids and being "helpful" to her in things like chores etc.
It's a strange dynamic for me because my wife has said she is done and wants a divorce. I can't just go dark because that would be viewed as validating her image of me as an absent father and husband. But I also can't pursue her. So I'm distancing myself from her by not talking about our R. I only initiate contact if it is to discuss the kids. I am making sure I am going out of my way to talk to my kids everyday and spend as much of my time off from work with them. I also do chores around my house when I am there with the kids and she is not. But I don't advertise it to her. So I'm giving her the space she needs from me by not emotionally pursuing her. But at the same time I am showing her through my actions that my depression is gone, that the depressed me was not the real me and am being the most attentive father and helpful husband I can be.
It's a strange dynamic in my situation. Anyone have any thoughts?
Her contributions: She was sexually abused as a child. We've been together since we were 21 and that trauma has caused her to be distant, controlling and struggle with emotional and especially sexual intimacy. She mimics a narcissist and an emotional abuser in this respect. Has never been the best or most supportive wife.
She mimics a narcissist and an emotional abuser in this respect? In what ways? How do you know the trauma causes her to act that way?
Quote:
The reality is that my wife's behaviors from the beginning of our relationship played a huge role in my depression occurring. And when I was depressed, she never reached out to me to help me. But. None of that matters right now because her reality and perception is that I abandoned her.
.....I think this is your perception. Or rather, your truth. And to clarify, I'm not saying that it isn't your truth. Just like you have your perception, she has hers. I'm not a big proponent of saying someone is the cause of something. But, honestly, I may be sensitive as I've been blamed for my H's depression and mental illness. It's not a pretty place to be.
I do have a question though. You keep mentioning that your wife didn't reach out to help you? Can you tell us what help would've looked like to you?
What did you need from your W during your depression, that she didn't give you?
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
"The reality is that my wife's behaviors from the beginning of our relationship played a huge role in my depression occurring. And when I was depressed, she never reached out to me to help me. "
Did you ever go to C with her to discuss this? Did you ever tell her what you needed and the kind of support you needed? What did she do if you did?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Calibri and Mr Bond: Great questions. Give me a short bit and I will respond. Thank you so much for joining in on the conversation.
Calibri: I especially appreciate your questions and insight because you give the perspective of the non-depressed spouse and the perspective of a woman.
