Sorry for the long lapse in posting. It seems G-d is ratcheting up the stress a bit because he knows I can handle it. To quote my cousin: "If he brings you to it, he'll get you through it." Or, if you prefer a line from the movie "Unbroken", "If you can take it, you can make it."
Just a few posts back I was worried about Passover, being on service in the hospital, and my S12s Bar-Mitzvah. Passover came and went - uneventfully, surprisingly. I am currently still on service (taking care of the inpatients in the hospital - high-stress for me), but will be going "off-service" soon. So time is passing. I hope patient care is not being compromised because I am living in a state of distraction these days. I know my phone messages are piling up.
My now-S13s Bar-mitzvah is in less than 2 weeks and I am worried that the whole thing is going to fall apart. The invitations went out way too late. Guests are asking why. So much planning: catering, home hospitality for out-of-towners, speeches to write, more I can't anticipate or think of right now. S13 deserves a great celebration and it hurts me that it is going to be less than he deserves because I cannot get my act together and because my W has become a teenager herself. To add insult to injury my Mother is hospitalized with a heart problem, my sister was also briefly hospitalized due to a back injury while caring for my mother, and my other sister is now on her way to the emergency room for what I fear may be a serious lung problem. I am sad that my mother will not be at the Bar-Mitzvah and I am beginning to fear that a lot of family will not be there. I recognize that the celebration will be what it will be and it is not really in my control, but I am very worried about it. I wish my fellow DBers could come and support me and join in the celebrations. You have all been great when I have needed it. There are so many of you.
Rant/vent: I am still having a terrible time detaching. To quote Mozza, I am still "a crier who's a ball of hurt" - not very attractive. My only saving grace is that W has not seen too much of it. I still keep up a PMA at home and have spent a lot of time with the kids when at home (ran 3 miles with S13 yesterday). I did have an outburst on Sat night: I am just so mad at her. I am sick of being disrespected in my own home: I am sick of her clearly and obviously receiving texts from OM while right in from of me. So I told her so. I am sick of her pretending that she is not having an A. It is so blatant that the whole community knows. Still at the same time, I hold on to a hope that perhaps her R with OM is falling apart and that she will come to her senses. Ugghh! I know she won't!!!!!! I wish I could just move on already.
Well, I finally took a step in the right direction.
Last night, at around 11:30 PM, just as my W was getting out of the shower, she was met with her first rude awakening. I was waiting for her in our bedroom. I told her we have to talk. Then I told her that her ongoing A with OM is disrespectful to me and to our M and that it is confusing for me an the kids. Then I told her to move out of the marital BR. She was obviously taken aback. I was calm and cool and collected. I made eye contact the whole time and did not shake at all. She tried to engage me in further debate and almost reflexively tried to deny the A again. I did not bite. I just reiterated my stance. She asked why I should not leave the BR. I told her that I was faithful to that BR all along, thus I am not leaving the BR. She asked "why now?". I replied that there is never a perfect time, but I need this now. She asked "what will we tell the children?". I told her that that is for her to figure out. I am going to tell the children something that they already know: that we are not getting along. I have feared this all along, but I think I want the kids to see me standing up for myself and respecting myself more than I want to avoid awkwardness.
Eventually she agreed. She then asked if she could move out the following night - it was late and she did not want to change the sheets and make the bed in basement - How I wish I had thought of making the bed in advance!!! So I acquiesced, but asked her to give me her word that she would move out of the BR tomorrow night. I am sure she is going to talk to her cheerleaders and enablers and may resist tonight. But I will hold her to it.
This morning I feel like a man that she would be crazy to leave.
RAI
P.S. I want to thank everyone who posted to my thread encouraging me to take this step for myself.
I have been threatening to list this DBers songbook for some time. Here is my preliminary list. There is something for everyone: songs about R, A, pain, fear, detaching, PMA, encouragement, piecing, love, hope, and, of course, a Conga.
I have listened to every one of these songs and each has potentially therapeutic value. I have listed songs by contributor. If you have a song that you feel is particular a propos to your sitch or to DB, feel free to make other suggestions.
RAI “Stand Tall” by Burton Cummings (for the LBS, especially when your ego is hurting very badly) "Letting Go" by Straight Lines (for those have trouble detaching) “I'm Not Down” by The Clash (punk equivalent of “I will survive”) “Train In Vain” by The Clash (kind of the opposite of Ben E. King’s “stand by me” – you didn’t stand by me) "It's not right, but it's ok" by Whitney Houston (If you like, but are getting tired of, Gloria Gaynor’s “I will survive”) I've got no strings to hold me down - from Pinocchio, Music and lyrics by Leigh Harline and Ned Washington (dropping the rope) "Don't shed a tear" by Paul Carrack (rebuilding your life because YOU are worth it)
Starsky "Best of the Guess Who" album, especially Side 1: "Undun," "These Eyes," "Laughing," "American Woman," "Star Baby" (classic songs, ‘nuff said) "I'm Scared" by Burton Cummings (Fear – the DBers first hurdle) "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" Burton Cummings duet with Randy Bachman (non- BTO version)
Card29 “Son of Man” by Phil Collins (upbeat and catchy – to get out of a funk) “Two Worlds” by Phil Collins (Faith, trust, fate, love, strength, life, tears, hope – strung into a song – not bad, Phil) "I'm Not the Only One" by Sam Smith (caution: about infidelity – may cause some triggering)
Lost18 "Just give me a reason" by Pink (How did our R get to this state?) “a little bit stronger" by Sara Evans (It takes a lot of strength to DB)
BW911 Broken Together” by Casting crowns (about relationships, maybe piecing?)
25yearsmlc I will survive (mandatory for any playlist - duh!) I will love again (There is light at the end of the tunnel)
Toots Conga del fuego, conducted by Gustavo Dudamel (the world would be a better place if we would all just Conga!) “Let him go, let him tarry” by Ruby Murray (amongst others – many versions) (Detaching, Irish style)
Koalada "you won't let me" by Rachael Yamagata (unrequited love) "has it happened yet" by Rachael Yamagata (the pain experienced by the LBS - pre-detachment, of course) “When I’m Alone” by Lissie (the shock experienced by LBS)
Raliced Theme song to The Magnificent Seven - composed and conducted by Elmer Bernstein ("no one can be sad or gloomy while tapping their foot to that one" - Raliced loved it so much, she named her thread after it.)
FANTASTIC! You've done so well last night by kicking her out of the MBR. I really liked your answer to "Why now?" It tells her that you're unpredictable, that consequences will fall on her when you see fit (and life catches up with her). The only thing I would have done differently is to make sure she leaves right away. You left your position of power for a detail. In 10 minutes, her bed would have been made. Believe me, she lost more than 10 minutes of sleep from this (and so did you, I bet). Your inner Nice Guy played a trick on you.
Regardless, a fantastic step for you. And I was coming here after your previous message to note that your inner Nice Guy had a strong hold on you, but you've surprised me. Well done, really.
Now deliver tonight!
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Cadet, I have made it through everything else so far - even when I didn't believe I could - so I guess I will just keep pluggin' away.
Mozza, thanks for the words of encouragement. I do think my inner nice guy accepted the concession. I know I gave her time to regain her balance. Regardless, I will remain undeterred.
thanks for stopping by. Things have been very hectic. My mother should be getting out of the hospital today - Thank G-d. I am not sure what prompted it, but my W called my mother to ask how she is doing. After not speaking to her for a year, it was awkward, to say the least. My mother loved her DIL like a true D and is so hurt by her actions. The conversation was very superficial, from what I was told by my mother. W is not just divorcing me, she is divorcing my whole family. We are all reeling from her self-centered behavior.
On another note, LAST NIGHT WAS THE FIRST NIGHT MY W DID NOT SLEEP IN OUR BR. I don't expect her to ever sleep there again unless she changes her ways drastically. It was a bit strange, but liberating. I feel a bit more detached. Let's hope that is a sustained feeling.
I see that you are doing pretty well with your H. Complimenting him and shedding your previous persona. Kudos to you. I know it is hard, but stop snooping. I should probably take my own advice.
