Ok here we go with my situation, I got the ilybinilwyabout a month ago after a heated argument that was my fault to begin with 1st I was shocked than I did what any husband would do beg, ask to work it out, etc.. After I settled down a bit u immediately started planning my escape, writing down bills I was going to keep, kid schedule etc. after a few days of still begging and pleading she said she needed time to work on her happiness and I needed the same. There is no OM involved this I am certain of.
I suggested that I was going to move out because I was not going to live in a house with someone that didn't feel the same way I did. Problem is I moved into the rent house next door for the kids to be close and it was easier in all of us.
It wasent until recently that I even heard of the 180s in my rage of begging and pleading to change all I got was "I've given you my all the past 11 years and now it's over you want to change?" I started doing the 180s last week and it's hard because I just live next door so in retrospect now I see that when I was begging for a 2nd chance what I was really saying was " I can't be happy unless you give me my way." I've come to the conclusion that I am no longer going to dwell in my self pity and I can either walk around as my pride is a ballon that anyone can pop or its a steel ball in my pocket that no one can break. Im at a crossroads where I desperately want my wife back but it's been about a month and I'm still getting the same behavior from her.
I admit I made a fool of myself the 1st 2 weeks after the bomb was dropped. How in the world do I keep myself from having a WWS. Seems that I'm always giving in to her and I'll do about 75% of the 180s than I blow it again by asking to put this behind us. I can take any critic you give me. The biggest fear I have is losing my wife and she starts seeing other people right next door to me. Today she finally told me she was breaking through a tm and she was so angry I believed that to be a good thing that she was starting to realize her actions. I believe she may have seen the significant changes that I've made and she doesent want to admit that she wants to work things out. I just can't knock down that stupid wall. We've been together 11 years married 8, two daughters 8,10.
Last edited by Cadet; 04/24/1508:16 PM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Seems that I'm always giving in to her and I'll do about 75% of the 180s than I blow it again by asking to put this behind us.
Second, read Divorce Remedy.
Third, move away from next door to her!
Fourth, lose the fear.
Fifth, everything in the below quote is so wrong.
Quote:
The biggest fear I have is losing my wife and she starts seeing other people right next door to me. Today she finally told me she was breaking through a tm and she was so angry I believed that to be a good thing that she was starting to realize her actions. I believe she may have seen the significant changes that I've made and she doesent want to admit that she wants to work things out. I just can't knock down that stupid wall.
Please read Divorce Remedy, and in the meantime, read the threads Cadet posted in his welcome to you.
I hope you'll stick with us b/c I can see you have the typical LBH's mindset. I just hope we can knock your wall down. (JK)
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
I am a LBH and you will find so much great guidance on this forum. My W and I are still separated but I haven't given up hope. Why? First of all, I love my wife. Second, the great people on this forum.
To get the most out of it, I suggest trying to post as often as you can and check in on other people's situations.
Sandi is one of the absolute best of the best in our "family" here.
Please, please follow Sandi's advice.
I wish you well.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
So after I thought it was starting to get better I got the "your smothering me." I'm officially to the point that I'm going to act careless to what she does and just straight up ignore her unless it's about the kids, I cannot financially afford to move further away due to already dumping money into this place with rent deposit and utities. I'm going to just focus on my kids and my happiness. I'm to the realization that if she wants to come around than she'll have to be the one to make contact with me FIRST, if not fine I've got to continue on living my own life.
So after I thought it was starting to get better I got the "your smothering me." I'm officially to the point that I'm going to act careless to what she does and just straight up ignore her unless it's about the kids, I cannot financially afford to move further away due to already dumping money into this place with rent deposit and utities. I'm going to just focus on my kids and my happiness. I'm to the realization that if she wants to come around than she'll have to be the one to make contact with me FIRST, if not fine I've got to continue on living my own life.
And to have any chance of getting her back, Swipe, is exactly what you need to do. Read the books and live your life. Do some deep thinking and change the things that she's complained about that seem true to you. Those things will make you a better person no matter what happens!
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
Seems something's working, today around lunch she text me asking if I wanted to eat dinner with her and the kids.
I said sure so after work I waited about an hour before I went over dinner was almost finished so after I ate and we had small talk I got up told my kids bye and I loved them and started to leave and she said, where are you going you don't have to leave in such a hurry.
I replied "I've got a lot of stuff I have to take care of." And I just walked out, now she knows that I know she's off work tomorrow and I know she looks forward to me texting or calling her but nope not even gonna think about it, if I do than I'll end up texting something like "I hope your having a great day off."
But just seems like a bad idea to me.
It's just hard to sit alone in an empty house and not dwell on it or think of us. And I've already opened my mouth enough about our future, so I'm stickin to my guns.
Last edited by Cadet; 04/28/1502:09 PM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
Backfire alert, so after me being stuck in a stupied lala land I made the mistake of asking her how we could put all the bad and negative stuff from our marriage in a vault and continue with a happier and healthier marriage.
Her reply was that she wanted us to take space and be able to communicate and be happier with each other before we even talk about our future and she had put us in a vault and if it ever gets opened back up fine but if not and we seem happy and communicate better apart that would be ok with her to. I cannot deal with the apartness anymore she has takin off her ring and when I told her that I understand that we're taking space I feel that it's disrespecting our marriage by her doing that, she replied with the rings are just material things.
And I know for a fact that there is no OM involved how am I supposed to take this? And what am I supposed to do from here?
Last edited by Cadet; 04/28/1502:04 PM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
