Newly separated

[Bob723]

Hi Bob,

I have a lot of soul searching to do. I never really left " home", although I really wanted to. I stayed close to be with my family, my mom, brother and my children. My kids are adults, but still act like teenagers. I want to help them, but don't want to do everything for them. I just can't anymore! Do I work towards being able to move away and be with him? Can I trust him not to leave me again if my illness progresses? Those are things to think about in the future I guess. For now I need to concentrate on me and when we do get together to have a good time.

Hi Diana,

It seems like you may have answered your own question.

I have 3 siblings who acted like teenagers well into their adult years (not me, of course! LOL) My Mom and Dad, in my opinion, did way too much for them. As you say, they are adults and you just can't help them anymore. If you still love your H, yes, concentrate on yourself so you can work towards being with him.

Of course always try to be there for your children, but you need to set limits. It is for their good as well as your own.

Oh, one last thing, I feel you have a healthy attitude about when you do get together with your H. Very good.

I have a feeling you are going to make it!

Bob

[Di-mond]

Woke up this morning feeling awful. Talked to my H again last night for a couple of hours. He made some valid points about issues he felt that I did not deal with. I validated the hell out of everything he said. I listened, I agreed (even if I really didn't). I did not bring up any of my issues with him, because then he will just get defensive and back away again.
This morning I woke up a bit angry. He is telling me all the things I did so wrong and how he couldn't live with that anymore. He doesn't like how I parent. Mind you he has no children of his own. I know I am overly protective and over indulgent with my adult children. I want to help them as much as I can. I get that they take advantage of that, but as he puts it giving them "tough love" and pretty much kicking them out. I do not know if I can do that. I have to figure out how to launch them to independence.

My animals. My H is frustrated with the multitude. I have 5 cats, a dog and my H's 2 Guinea Pigs. I'm pretty sure I will be adopting out the Guineas in the next little while. The cats....only one is truly mine. She has been with me for 11 years, as well as my doggie who is 10. The others I would like to split up between my children.

Ok so now what. I still have no guarantees that he will be there for me. He is starting his life in a new city, without me in the plans.

Another thing that burns my ass is that just days after we split up his best friends and his wife( a devout Christian) were drawing up plans for him as to how he could move his business to their city. Not once did they suggest to him to try to work things out with his wife. If we were to get back together, that is something I have to deal wih.

Sigh! He will be here in 2 hours to help me get my new bike to a shop to get certified. I don't know how to react. I think R talks will not be good today.
Do I act indifferent? Do we kiss? Do I tell him I love him?

[mahhhty]

Diana,
I don't know your complete situation, but I believe today you need to act yes act... As If. A light went off and you completely understand everything about life and love. Do not tell him you love him, do not get into relationship talks. Let him open the door, and respond with things like "I never saw it from that perspective, thanks for the insight." or "I need to think about that before answering you."

He is placing on the blame on you. His life. His happiness. Is your burden, not his. Which is false. By saying you love him, kiss him, etc. You are reinforcing him or smothering him. It will only want him to move faster.

I will read the rest of your situation and come up to speed today.

Good luck today!!!

[mahhhty]

I just read through your thread. I am very impressed Diana! Congratulations on the motorcycle course. That sounds fantastic!

You have some really great people in your corner!

I believe if you read about Squiggy and about NH, you will see that they are closer to piecing things back together than you currently are. But in their stories you will see how wishy washy the Spouse can be. The more pressure you apply the more difficult your journey may be. Validate, and be patient.

[pilot]

You got some good advice for today. Act happy. Do not engage in any kind of relationship talk. Do not pursue or kiss or tell him you love him. Be brief. You just got your motorcycle and you cannot wait to use it. Once you get the help that you needed from him, thank him and say goodbye. YOU must be the one to say goodbye as a signal for him to leave. Do not drag it out or let your time together drag out.

[Di-mond]

Yes thank you...just sitting here waiting for H to show up. I am running everything through my head. I will be a bit more distant today. Act as if he's just a friend.
This is so hard, because all I want to do is melt into his arms.
Nerves of steel! I can do this!!!!!

I rode my new bike home. I know it was only a 2 minute ride, but it was awesome.

[Di-mond]

Oh boy...this did not go as planned. We ended up talking for hours. We have made some significant breakthroughs. We will remain separated to work on our respective issues. He wants me to get better for me and me alone. He has been clear about the things he does not like about me and my interactions with others.
He does want his wife back and told me he loves me very much. He has promised to listen to me and be there for me when I make some hard choices about my life. And he has promised me that he will keep his vows to be there for better or worse and however long it takes. I'm feeling optimistic, yet apprehensive. It puts so much pressure on me. I am going to call and book in with my therapist right now. I have a lot of things to discuss.

[RealMe]

Diana I don't think you're doing anything wrong per se, because it sounds like he is initiating a lot of the relationship talk. Just remember, he is going to speak in absolute negatives.

Maybe now is a good time to speak with actions...see what happens when you're not so available for an hours long talk where he tells you why it's all your fault. Mahhhty's advice was very wise.....

[Di-mond]

Actually today there were not many negatives from him. More positives. I really listened to him today. He cried and told me he wants me to be healthy and happy, with or without him. No guarantees, but a step in the right direction.
This will be hard and a long process. I'm still doing my GAL activities and looking after my health. I have to work on my house to get it ready to sell over the summer. I want to be able to enjoy my bike this summer. Working on some spiritual growth and alternative therapies. Putting some strategies in place to help my children grow up and be responsible adults.

My H is working on himself too, by becoming financially responsible and independant. I know my caretaker personality took over for most of our marriage. It made him feel less secure and made me resentful.

[Di-mond]

I talked at length with my mother yesterday. About my children, my health, my work and generally what I really want out of life. She surprised me by agreeing with most of what I said. She is a negative person by nature and usually only sees the negatives in everything. So that was a breakthrough! Then I made the mistake of telling her I had been talking to my H. I didn't go into details. She is adamantly against us trying to work things out. She asked me how I could ever forgive and forget what he has done to me. I get that she is my mother and only wants me not to get hurt. I did tell her that I can and will forgive home, but not for him, for myself. Of course I will not forget that he left me at the worst time of my life, but also know that our BD was years in the making before I became ill.
Just another burden to add, but I have to live my life the way that makes me happy, not her. That is another issue I have to work through. I am the youngest and only girl of three. My family has always put a lot of pressure on me living my life in the way they see appropriate. They have helped me raise my children when I was a single mother and have always supported me, including financially. Does that give them the right to take away my happiness?