People who are in the beginning stages of an A are not right up in their heads. Totally messed up and they block out everything in their minds except the OW/OM. It is all about getting their "fix" from the dopamine....OW/OM. They behave like a drug addict.
Yes, I agree with other posters that you really need to take proactive steps to protect yourself financially. The one problem is that you are a SAHM, right? Your H is the primary breadwinner...is that right?
Lastly, you really need to be calm and firm when talking about the OW. She is nothing. She's an annoying gnat. Give your H the look and say, "Really?!" when talking about taking OW to the Bahamas. Simply say, "It is totally inappropriate and I am not having this conversation. I am not going to cover up or lie for you."
When H said that wants to talk to the kids, he's trying to control the narrative here. In his mind, you two will sit down with the kids and H will most likely want to say this to them: "Mom and I have decided to separate. We are not happy and drifted apart. Nothing will change. You will continue to live here in the house."
Don't roll over and just do what H says. Take back your own personal power and put your foot down.
Look, H already fired you as a wife so he's already checked out and gone. How much worse can it get??! Exactly. You've already faced the tough stuff and you're still standing.
Another thing that usually scares the daylights out of people is the LBS telling the kids and family of the actual truth. That, of course, will send them spewing. Not your problem. Affairs thrive under the cover of darkness.
Notice what happens when you overturn a big rock outside on the ground? All crawlies scurrying like crazy at being exposed to the sunlight/light.
FYI, I've had a front row seat to my late father's numerous affairs and I didn't die when learning of them. The truth does not kill people.
Yes raliced I am still here. A lot has happened since my last post although nothing has really changed. On Tuesday morning my father-in-law passed away. I pretty much dropped everything and tried to be supportive and we had a couple of nice days. My H debated about whether to go on the trip to Napa but in the end decided to go because my father-in-law had made all his arrangements and would have wanted him to go. I didn't have the heart to back out under the circumstances.
Wed and Thurs were nice days and I hoped to have four good days but them the texting started up again right under my nose where I could not escape it. Then he discovered that I was not wearing my wedding rings and went balistic--seems to be all about me not why I might have decided to stop wearing them.
So last night we took the red eye home from San Francisco to Virginia then had about an hour of sleep before family visitation and a funeral tomorrow. I am trying to overlook a lot of fatigue, and stress, but he has really turned into a hateful person today and I seem to be getting the brunt of the anger. Non stop texting the OW, plenty of digs and comparisons.
Dreading this week. Looking for a counselor to get started on me and started Co-Dependency for Dummies. Trying to get back to working on me but feeling really low and lonely....and frankly not liking my H very much right now.
AH, although I love my H like crazy, there are definitely days since this has started that I really don't like him very much. I think some blinders come off when this happens and we can see our H's a little differently before. In all honestly, my H and I never really argued for the 23 years. I really did think we had the perfect marriage. Surprise!
Two things for you to think about. One: You asked me before my vacation about what you can do to GAL. What did you used to do before the kids? What were your interests or likes? I would say go back to those roots. Or think if there is anything you wish you learned, and take some classes. Better yet, would your sons like to take a class with you? Maybe Judo or something? Helps with ADHD.
Two: My H texts all the time in front of me, smiling at it like it's his new best friend. It drives me crazy!! To DB I either totally ignore it and continue to watch the program I was watching, etc. Or I leave the room to go play with my S or do something somewhere else. I've actually gone and taken a walk when he does it.
I'm glad you're still on here and I think you're making the right steps. You just need to find a way to GAL more. I've started scrapbooking again too.
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
So I'm getting mixed messages and not sure how to keep from getting sucked into talking about the relationship and reacting to OM
On Tues my H had to visit his lawyer (some inlaw fighting over caregiving issues with the parents) out of the blue he texted me
"i'm sorry i have gotten us in this bad spot U r best person I have ever known Loved me in spite of flaws U have treated me better than anyone"
Not sure how to respond I said "still love you. Its tough. Thats what love is good and bad"
A couple of hours later he texts me again to see if I wanted to buy the lawyers season tickets to my alma mater for football and baseball. 6 months ago i would have jumped at the thought of this but I didnt even have an answer.
I ignored the message and he called me a little while later. After asking me why i sound so sad he broached the tickets again. He said it would be a good family activity. I said I don't know and he said you mean because of the affair? Then said, "well she went to school there too maybe she would like to go. Then he said sorry bad joke that would be awkward.
Fast forward to that evening. Called him because his work sent over dinner as a sympathy gesture. Turns out he was with the OW. He came home later and we talked about our situation he said he regretted all the hateful things he said about me it's not my fault. I'm his best friend and we have built so much over the past 22 years and he is ripped right down the middle because I can't give him the taboo and excitement of a new partner
He left Wednesday morning for a work trip. I do confess to sending a bitchy text about my daughter not needing his help anymore so he could go to the Bahamas with the OW guilt free. He texted back "OK thank you" stupid I know..not sure if that means he thinks its really ok with me and he is going or he was distracted and not paying attention
So I vowed not to call or text again. He called Wed night and we had brief talk. I stayed dark all day Thursday and went out to dinner with work clients. He called my cell at 830, then home, then the boys who told him I was out. so he texted me
"hey going out. Talk later. boys said u were out. Have fun be safe"
I didnt answer and at 11:00 pm he sent "U oK" so I said "yes of course" and told him he had gotten a letter from the lawyer. Havent heard from him since.
So sorry for the long post but he will be home tonight Friday and I don't know how to act. I am anticipating him being tired tonight then wanting to go work on his garden on Saturday then being with the OW from Sunday afternoon until sometime Monday afternoon. Am I distant, friendly. Do I suggest trying to do something fun on Saturday?
I'm really worried that I'm going to come across as way too much of a harda** here. So, if that is the case, I apologize in advance.
Tell me, what consequences has he had to face as a result of his actions? Any, at all? From what you've written he's had problems and treated you badly for years. Right now, he's having another affair and trying to shove the OW down your throat.And, it kind of seems like you are letting him. The fact that he spends a few minutes texting you some nice things does not remotely balance his wildly inappropriate behavior and blatant disregard for your wellbeing.
When I read and comment on a lot of threads, it is with the general hope that the marriage can be saved. In your situation , I worry a lot more about you.
You mention a letter from a lawyer. Have you seen a lawyer? You left that part out.
No worries raliced. I know I need some tough love. You are correct there have not really been any consequences for my H. I am a little confused by that. It seems that DB advises even if the spouse is still involved in the affair to work on myself GAL /PMA , not whining, pleading and talking about saving the marriage. Obviously he knows that is what I want with changes from him. I know that while he has done a lot of bad things I made mistakes too. So I have been trying to carry on and distance myself a little bit. I have set some boundaries about his texting and talking about her.
I have broached the subject of him moving out which terrifies me. I have said that if he goes on the Bahamas trip it is time to tell our kids what is going on. It does seem that he is getting everything he wants with no consequences and so there is no discomfort in the affair just in being with me. But really don't clearly understand how to follow DB and have consequences
And no I saw a lawyer in the past so have a pretty good idea as far as that goes. The lawyer I referenced is helping him with his parents. He is the Power of Attorney who makes caregiver decisions.
It keeps getting worse. Sunday is always a bad day because that is the day my H spends the night at our cabin with the OW; however, on this Sunday I asked him his plans and he said he was going to fly his plane and do something for him. I said in preparation for going to the Bahamas? and he said yes. So the trip is still on and i got very upset and said it will change everything and he probably needs to move out, tell kids etc.
I had been thinking all day Saturday and while I was alone on Sunday about the whole sex addict thing and how he isn't ready to change or put any effort into us etc. so kind of getting resigned to the fact that if he moved out it would be hard but I could start to heal and some remote possibility that he might miss me and the kids and our life once he wasn't with us and life got real with the OW.
So very sad but a little resigned to a separation. So he came home and said he needed to talk that I pushed him into a corner, but i can tell the kids if I want to --he's not doesn't think they need to know He won't go to Bahamas if I really don't want him to but it won't change anything I had my chance and now he is going to go for it with OW No more sex. it leads me on. I proved my point i can have sex and it upsets OW Get help from a therapist if I need it but he's not going with me
it was frustrating because OW kept texting him and he said he had to deal with it she was having a crisis
So i said I have some thinking to do about next steps and so do you and left for work. Forgot something and came back a few minutes later and as i was pulling in the driveway he called and said i want to ask you something. Walked in the room and he was sitting there with a big erection and asked me if I was really serious about working on everything including our sex life and proceeded to ask if i would do certain things
OK I know it was stupid but we had sex. I asked him what he was doing and why and he said he just wanted to see if i was really serious
Anyway afterwards I went back to work (I'm in sales so I have a lot of flexibility) I got set up to tallk with an IC tonight who also deals with sex addictions. I thought he would be a good starting place to help me since he would be intimately aware of how situations like mine affect both spouses. Then I went home to pick up some things for my son and H was still there so I asked him what the sex was about and why he did it. He said he didn't know and I said it was pretty crummy because nothing has changed and he said everythng haschanged.
So that set my alarm bells off. My first question was does she have an STD. He said no then got really quiet and said he didn't know if he could tell me. But out with it and he said she could never have kids with her husband and she is 41 and he said if she really wanted to he would do it with her. The man is 54, hasn't been that great of a dad, is extremely narcissitic, has 3 kids already on the planet who need him and he has known this woman for 5 months! I freaked and said oh God is she pregnant. No but she was going to get tested to see if it was possiblee, etc and of course it is a big rush because she has a 1 year window. And then he breaks down and says in the course of her exam she had a mammogram because he found a lump and she has breast cancer
Now my first reaction is I don't even believe this but even if it is true ...he feels so sorry for her because he loves her and they aren't about sex and she doesn't have parents and only the husband, and she's all alone. so it sounds like he is going to leave us to care for a woman he barely knows because she has breast cancer. And the whole baby thing might be off now, but his kids don't need him. My twins don't care about him, and they will be in college in 2 years and yes he'll have to help pay for that and my daughter is graduating from college in 2 years so she will be on her own. No thought for how they will feel.....
and i know I sound like a coldhearted B**** but he's suddenly not going to be about sex anymore and become this selfless, compassionate, caring person for OW and when she has to have surgery ? Mr. Visual is going to just be happy and in love?
So I guess this is the 2nd bomb. I am spinning. Good that I saw the therapist tonight. I do feel a little calmer but I feel like this can't be real
