The gift that keeps on giving

[ntincu]

I haven't written on here in a while, and I think that was a mistake. The advice on here, while it can be hard to follow, always has a good amount of common sense.

My ex had a lunch meeting with me last week under the pretense of a working out a summer schedule for the kids. I say pretense because last year I wasn't even consulted, and as we were getting up from the table she let me know that she was dating someone. Not just anyone though. It was the guy I asked her if she was having an affair with while we were married. She still denies it was an affair, but I'm not completely sure I believe her. At the very least there was an inappropriate amount of texting, and hanging out with him. I'm guessing there was a little bit of EA going on at least.

She said that she was telling me because she was going to tell the kids about her boyfriend. I said that unless one of us was very serious about someone (ie. marriage minded) we shouldn't trouble the kids with our dating life. I think she started dating him as soon as she moved out, so she doesn't see this as a casual fling.

This has brought all the feelings of the divorce back to me. I wonder often if I'm such a horrible person, that she thought this was her only option. I confess I wasn't the best husband, but she really didn't want to see me or my efforts to change. I know there were a lot of good times, but I guess she doesn't care to see it that way.

Writing this I can tell I'm still really stuck on her, but I don't have anywhere else to go. I've never been good at socializing or dating. She was my first serious relationship, so maybe this is why I'm taking it so hard.

[whatisis]

Sorry for your pain. It takes time to get into the head space to date let alone do it! It was four years before I felt ready...and even then wasn't so sure Don't date just cuz she is...you date because you're ready and able to have someone in your life. It's ok to feel your feelings right now, this is a big confirmation for you of something you didn't want and whether it was going on then or developed now, the feelings for you are still pretty intense. Hang in there and talk here. Many of us have been where you are.

[BeginningAgain]

My ex had a lunch meeting with me last week under the pretense of a working out a summer schedule for the kids. I say pretense because last year I wasn't even consulted, and as we were getting up from the table she let me know that she was dating someone. Not just anyone though. It was the guy I asked her if she was having an affair with while we were married. She still denies it was an affair, but I'm not completely sure I believe her. At the very least there was an inappropriate amount of texting, and hanging out with him. I'm guessing there was a little bit of EA going on at least.

She said that she was telling me because she was going to tell the kids about her boyfriend. I said that unless one of us was very serious about someone (ie. marriage minded) we shouldn't trouble the kids with our dating life. I think she started dating him as soon as she moved out, so she doesn't see this as a casual fling.

Hi Ntincu:

Why do you think she had this summer schedule meeting as a pretense to tell you that she is dating? Did you discuss the summer schedule or did she just talk about her dating situation? If you did discuss the summer schedule then take the positive from this that she is growing in co-parenting maturity with you in that she made the effort to negotiate a summer schedule with you instead of unilaterally deciding on her own like last year.

As for her dating the OM (whether he was or not), you are now divorced, right? What happened when you were married is now water under the bridge and spending time stressing about it is just sapping energy from you. She is free to date whoever she likes and if she wants to share that with your kids, there isn't really anything you can do about it. Again, I would take the positive outlook on this in that she told you about this relationship first without simply telling your kids first and you hearing about it from them. She is clearly taking your feelings into consideration. You are also free to tell her your thoughts on what you think is appropriate (timing and amount of information) to tell your kids about new girlfriends/boyfriends, but just recognize that she isn't bound to follow your guidelines, so if she doesn't then again there really isn't too much you can do about it and I wouldn't let it get too you (insert Serenity Prayer here.)

This has brought all the feelings of the divorce back to me. I wonder often if I'm such a horrible person, that she thought this was her only option. I confess I wasn't the best husband, but she really didn't want to see me or my efforts to change. I know there were a lot of good times, but I guess she doesn't care to see it that way.

Writing this I can tell I'm still really stuck on her, but I don't have anywhere else to go. I've never been good at socializing or dating. She was my first serious relationship, so maybe this is why I'm taking it so hard.

First of all you aren't a horrible person. Perhaps you did horrible things, but that doesn't make you a bad person. The point is you have hopefully learned from them and have (or currently are) made positive changes in your life. If your ex-W wasn't interested in recognizing the positive changes you made, then perhaps that was her loss - but she has made her decision. Your changes are for you and to the benefit of whomever comes into your life as a future partner.

I don't know how long you have been divorced, but I would suggest you go back to the basics here and get out and get a life for yourself. Find some social arenas that you can feel comfortable in and meet some people. If you isolate yourself and sit around stewing over what you had then you will never get over your ex-wife.

Sorry if this post seems harsh - it's not intended to be, just some good ole fashioned advice and my two cents.

BA

[BeginningAgain]

Ntincu:

Two clarifications:

1) I didn't mean to say you did horrible things. I'm not familiar with your sitch so I'm not sure what you did or didn't do in contributing to the end of your M. My main point is that regardless of what you did, it doesn't make you a horrible person.

2) Suggesting you get out into a social arena and meet some people is not necessarily implying that you start dating anyone. Only you will know when you are ready for that. What it does mean is to get involved in some activities and focus on improving your life and having fun. Afterall, life is too short to do otherwise! :-)

BA

[BeginningAgain]

Okay so I'm a little off my game today! :-) Sorry, when I first responded to your post, I didn't see your signature line showing that you divorced just last October and that your kids are 7 and 3.

So seeing that, while it doesn't change my opinion that you need to get out and do your GAL activities, I do understand how this divorce is very recent and the pain from all of that is very fresh.

Also, with the age of your kids being only 3 and 7, I'm not sure exactly why your ex-Wife feels a need to tell them she is dating. The 3 year old certainly won't have any idea what that means. However, that being said there still unfortunately isn't anything you can do to stop her even if your advice that there is no need to rush into telling them is the wise choice. Best you can hope for is that after she left the meeting your opinion and advice on this absorbed into her mind and she takes it into consideration.

Best,
BA

Best,
BA

[ntincu]

Thanks for the responses. I understand what you guys are saying and I appreciate. I guess I have several things going on that are causing my angst.

1. I miss my kids so much. As a dad I don't get to see them that much, and they miss me too. I've always been very involved in their lives. This large amount of separation is very hard.

2. My ex moved on so quickly. She's all happy in her new relationship, and I feel like I am stuck in misery. Kind of makes it feel like I didn't matter to her.

3. I got laid off from a job I really liked, but I am in one now that isn't really that great.

4. The dating scene here is horrible. Not that I'm ready to date, but if you don't want to pick up people in bars there's not much else. It's a very lonely town if you're single and over 40. Match and eHarmony are a waste of time too.

5. Related to 4, I don't date well. I met my ex by going out with my work friends, but I'm lousy finding and approaching women. It wasn't hard with her, we just clicked. I don't have those kinds of friends, or work environment anymore. All my friends are married with kids, and my new place of work is very office like. No one seems to hang out outside of work.

There isn't much around here for me to get involved in, because of my weird schedule. Between teaching my karate class and my visitation schedule it's hard to do something weekly, which most college or park district programs are. To be honest I don't have the money anyway. Between my debt and child support I don't have any money.

As for what my ex telling the kids about her dating her response was:
"I know too that there might be a thought -- a wish -- on their part about us getting back together. Whether or not this conversation is the impetus for them, they do have to realize that isn't going to happen. I think they also deserve to know what's going on."

Harsh talk for kids their age. It's all about her and what she wants. I'm guessing she wants him to be in on their family activities now.

p.s. BeginningAgain your corrections on your posts made me chuckle.

[Rick1963]

What does "I dont date well" mean? You pick your buggers or something?
Tell us what dating well looks like.

I think you should wait before dating. Take a break and glue yourself together. you are still very young and have a whole life ahead of you. if someone comes along and if ur up to it by all means.

Im very interested as to how you view yourself. from here i think you dont like you. am i wrong?

And I get how you feel about the kids. They are very little and as a loving dad you want to protect them from harm. I get that.

Right now focus on you. Feel and be as happy as you can. They will see and sppreciate it.

[BeginningAgain]

1. I miss my kids so much. As a dad I don't get to see them that much, and they miss me too. I've always been very involved in their lives. This large amount of separation is very hard.

Why don't you get to see them that often? Did your ex get sole custody and move them far away? What is the visitation arrangement based on the divorce decree? If you want more time with them, can you negotiate that with her? If you feel like you aren't seeing them enough then do something to increase the time you can be with them.

2. My ex moved on so quickly. She's all happy in her new relationship, and I feel like I am stuck in misery. Kind of makes it feel like I didn't matter to her.

I'd stop focusing on your ex if I were you - it's a cheeseless tunnel. Happy on the outside doesn't necessarily mean there is happy going on in the inside. Either way, your focus should be on getting you to happy.

4. The dating scene here is horrible. Not that I'm ready to date, but if you don't want to pick up people in bars there's not much else. It's a very lonely town if you're single and over 40. Match and eHarmony are a waste of time too.

5. Related to 4, I don't date well. I met my ex by going out with my work friends, but I'm lousy finding and approaching women. It wasn't hard with her, we just clicked. I don't have those kinds of friends, or work environment anymore. All my friends are married with kids, and my new place of work is very office like. No one seems to hang out outside of work.

From what you have written I think it's way too early for you to be thinking about dating. You have work to do on yourself before you can present yourself as a good candidate for someone else. You need to get to a place that when you look in the mirror you see someone you like before you can put yourself out there and find someone who also likes you. Are you in counseling? If not you might want to consider it and work on yourself.

There isn't much around here for me to get involved in, because of my weird schedule. Between teaching my karate class and my visitation schedule it's hard to do something weekly, which most college or park district programs are. To be honest I don't have the money anyway. Between my debt and child support I don't have any money.

Check out meetup.com. There are lots of groups on it with various interests and many of them have outings that cost little or no money. It's a great place to just meet friends who have similar interests as you. It will give you an opportunity to get out and about.

p.s. BeginningAgain your corrections on your posts made me chuckle.

I'm happy I gave you a laugh! Afterall, laughter is the best medicine.

Best,
BA

[ntincu]

I will agree I don't have a good outlook on myself. I am in counseling, and have been since this all started. Thank God I started doing it, I would have been a real bad mess without it.

I have looked at meetup in the past, but it didn't have much on it for my area. It looks like there's a little more there now.

I'm not good at approaching, flirting and closing with women. I don't pick up on non-verbal hints that indicate interest. I never had luck early in life, so I never got the experience or confidence a person needs to date successfully. My therapist says I'm too much of a realist and I think too much, and I need to turn that off. He's probably right.