Has the history. I'll be honest, DBing is hard for it me. Anyone that reads these forums understands that DBing is a bit unnatural for the LBS. When you feel your wife and family slipping away, the natural action is to pursue your W, to win her back and keep your family together. Unfortunately, that only pushes her away.
In my situation, my W was receptive early on to me becoming closer and reconnecting with her. After D-day, I made an effort to spend more time with her and to focus on reattaching and working on myself (GAL, coaching, books, etc). During our M both of us had become detached and my DB coach suggest working to reconnect while working on myself. This worked for a short period of time, but my focus drifted from GAL and detaching and towards M and W. I ended up pushing her away even further because I didn't keep the proper balance.
The past few weeks have been the most difficult since D-day. I have discovered that the A is EA and PA (prior she told me it was only EA) my W has seriously discussed M with OM.
My focus going forward is making the future transition as smooth as possible for my children, to lovingly detach from my W, and GAL.
To help the kids, I will leave work on-time and stop working late. This will allow me to spend more time with them when I get home. To play, go on walks, or just hang out.
I will lovingly detach from my W. I can not let her actions effect me emotionally. If she is texting, chatting, etc. I will not ask her questions or acknowledge her activity. I will leave the room in a non-confrontational manner if I need to. I will not text or call unless it is absolutely necessary. I will only respond to texts or call if it is absolutely necessary. I will have a PMA and not be cold. I will shut up and listen. Validating when appropriate during conversation she initiates.
I will GAL. I will schedule one day a week to reconnect with guy friends that I have lost contact with since M. I will attend a meet up event next week. When it is not my weekend with the kids, I will get out and discover new places to take the kids, schedule time with friends, etc. Planning is important, I don't want to find myself scrambling to find something to do then end up doing nothing.
So many situations have such similarities. Some can deal with situations better by not backsliding, being better at detaching, GAL, etc. I have made mistakes and backslid. Not because I don't believe in DBing, or care about my M. It's because the plans I had for my future and my family have been drastically changed. Only by focusing on what works and what is most important can I start to rebuild a new and better vision of a future.
I appreciate all the great help from those members that posted in my old thread and all the support I get from reading through other threads. The information and advice given from this amazing community is amazing, to say the least.
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
This is a situation still very early on it its development.
I am sure you have read Sandi's posts about WW and their thnking and actions. That's what you have on your hands.
You sound very passive in your posts - sorry to be blunt. My suggestion is to toughen up - A LOT.
Have you stated your boundry to your wife "I will not live in an open marriage"? Has she moved out? If not, she needs to ASAP. If she has not, I would set her stuff outside of the marital bedroom. I would not let her in and out to drop clothes off etc... Once she is out, she is OUT.
You have an attorney? Tell him/her to slow this down if you want to. They can easily delay while you get your emotions and a plan under control. Is your house actively listed on the market? If not, don't do it - let that one slide. You are rushing things on her time table.
#1. Stop all and any pursuit - no calls, no texts, no messages. #2. Make her leave - do you own or rent - whose name is on deed? #3. Schedule kids activities on spread sheet - don't talk to her about it, just follow the spread sheet. Only talk about emergencies about kids.
#4. Toughen up - make her respect you. Any engagement with her is distance, cordial but very very distant.
#5. Cut her off financially. Cut her off of the bank account and all credit cards. Cut off her cell phone. Who cares if she does't have a job, her problem not yours. She can open up her own accounts. She should pull up her big girl panties. If she doesn't have a job she can move in her parents or AP because she won't have money for an apartment? Again, not your problem.
You have time to turn this around. Toughen up!! make her respect you.
Hey TenBook. Thanks for the support. I really didn't mean this to be a heartbreaking post. I wrote it because I needed to have a reminder to myself (and my other post is locked). I need to stay focused on what works and not backslide into what doesn't work.
It's been difficult lately because after her "breakdown" last week and her returning home, I have felt myself getting too wrapped in her. She gave me a little bit of hope and I freaked out a bit. Unfortunately, I didn't do a good job putting the breaks on myself. I should have kept calm and carried on.
It would be huge help if you could stay at my house for a few weeks. Anytime you see me look like I'm about to backslide, just hit me in the head with a 2x4.... that would be huge help. /joking
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
She is creating drama. Stop the drama by not reacting to it. Let her cry and have breakdowns all she wants. She is manipulating you. Just look at her and say I am sorry you are feeling so frustrated and walk away.
She thinks she feels frustrated now - just wait until she is a divored single Mom. Make her feel your loss.
This is a situation still very early on it its development.
I am sure you have read Sandi's posts about WW and their thnking and actions. That's what you have on your hands.
You sound very passive in your posts - sorry to be blunt. My suggestion is to toughen up - A LOT.
Have you stated your boundry to your wife "I will not live in an open marriage"? Has she moved out? If not, she needs to ASAP. If she has not, I would set her stuff outside of the marital bedroom. I would not let her in and out to drop clothes off etc... Once she is out, she is OUT.
You have an attorney? Tell him/her to slow this down if you want to. They can easily delay while you get your emotions and a plan under control.
#1. Stop all and any pursuit - no calls, no texts, no messages. #2. Make her leave - do you own or rent - whose name is on deed? #3. Schedule kids activities on spread sheet - don't talk to her about it, just follow the spread sheet. Only talk about emergencies about kids.
#4. Toughen up - make her respect you. Any engagement with her is distance, cordial but very very distant.
#5. Cut her off financially. Cut her off of the bank account and all credit cards. Cut off her cell phone. Who cares if she does't have a job, her problem not yours. She can open up her own accounts. She should pull up her big girl panties. If she doesn't have a job she can move in her parents or AP because she won't have money for an apartment? Again, not your problem.
You have time to turn this around. Toughen up!! make her respect you.
Hey HeavyD,
Thanks for reading. I've been following your thread. You're tough and doing a great job. I totally respect your focus and resolve.
My situation isn't really fresh. D-Day was in December and the divorce should be final this week. The only thing that is fresh is my discovery of the PA. She has been lying since D-day. D-day she told me there was no one else. On NYE I discovered there was someone else. She lied and told me it was a EA only. About a 2 weeks ago I discovered it has been a PA/EA since Oct.
I stated boundaries early on. She doesn't care about crossing boundaries. She tells me she does, but I can tell they're a joke to her.
Kicking her out of the house hurts the kids. It was very hard on them when I did a few weeks ago.
1. Done 2. Own. Working on getting the house ready to sell. Both names on the deed. 3. Will do. 4. Toughen up - I was detached for years, that's part of the reason for the D. I have lost much of my hard edge and it is making this D more difficult to deal with. I agree I need to be tough in that I don't let her actions have an effect on me. I don't see the point in be tough to punish her. 5. I cut her off financially. I pay her back for expenses relating to the kids. She tries to sneak stuff past me like gas, tolls, etc. Her mom pays her phone and has since Dec. Her mom gives her money almost weekly. Soon I will be giving her child support. She contributes zero to the family finances, bills, mortgage. She will be living rent free with her mother after the house is sold. OM is a few hours away. Decree has a morality clause and she can't move the kids that far.
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
I need to stay focused on what works and not backslide into what doesn't work.
It's been difficult lately.... last week and her returning home, I have felt myself getting too wrapped in her. She gave me a little bit of hope and I freaked out a bit. Unfortunately, I didn't do a good job putting the breaks on myself. I should have kept calm and carried on.
I know what you mean regarding the backsliding. My wife told me twice last week that she loved me (we are still in the same house and bed). This gave me renewed hope, unfortunately lifted my expectations and probably caused me to backslide, all because she was giving me a few crumbs. Now, no real words of affection in several days, and I feel nearly as crushed at DDay.
I need to stay focused on what works and not backslide into what doesn't work.
It's been difficult lately.... last week and her returning home, I have felt myself getting too wrapped in her. She gave me a little bit of hope and I freaked out a bit. Unfortunately, I didn't do a good job putting the breaks on myself. I should have kept calm and carried on.
I know what you mean regarding the backsliding. My wife told me twice last week that she loved me (we are still in the same house and bed). This gave me renewed hope, unfortunately lifted my expectations and probably caused me to backslide, all because she was giving me a few crumbs. Now, no real words of affection in several days, and I feel nearly as crushed at DDay.
It is very easy to attempt to use anything our spouse does or says during these turbulent times to justify actions that we make. Well, she told me she loves me so our R is saved. Or, she told me she hates me so our R is over. She looked at me and smiled at me, so our R is saved. She didn't say goodbye to me today, so our R is over.
I played this game for about 2 weeks until I realized that DBing is not simply about saving my M, but more importantly about making myself a better partner. Preparing myself, either after D or if M is saved, to be happy with myself. There was a time early on where my wife hugged me and gave me a kiss and I thought everything was OK. Next day, she was back to being cold and unengaged. I know exactly what you mean about being crushed. I just could not understand.
I then realized that I had to quit making my happiness hinge upon my W. I have, and continue to, question where the strong and independent person I was has went to. I believe that getting married and having kids can transform an independent person into the person who relies upon the M and the kids to make us happy. Don't get me wrong, I still love my kids and love my W, but it is healthy to have other things in our lives that bring us happiness.
My opinion is that happy couples are happy because they are able to make themselves happy and are supported by their partners to do just that. In life, moderation is a good thing. Including being with your W.
I believe, in my case, I got to the point where my W could not keep the kids (school, clinicals, etc.) so much that I incorrectly assumed that I could never leave the house to do things that I really wanted to do with friends. It is a very weird dynamic when that happens. I'm not sure WTF I was thinking at the time.
I'm still new in this process, but the past 4 weeks I have went out with friends, just taken the kids by myself to places without the W and did things that I enjoyed. Rather than sit at the house being ticked off I wasn't doing anything, I have just went out and started doing things. I haven't always had the best time because of the thoughts in my head, but I am slowly getting better on focusing on the here and now rather than focus on what my W is thinking or if she is happy.
M: 6 years, together 11 M: 31 W: 30 D 2, S 4 BD 3/26/15 (EA with OM)
HeavyD - The D should be finalized this week. Almost 4 months since she filed. I haven't been stalling. My L is concerned about hitting the 10 year anv. and W requesting alimony. The legal stuff has been the easy stuff.
I can pay the mortgage myself. Once I start paying child support it will be more difficult. W is moving about 45 min away. I plan to move to be closer to the kids. It will also put me closer to work.
Badger1 - I know how you feel. It's hard to realize when they temp checking and nothing more. My W is quick to throw crumbs and just as quick to pick them up. That's difficult to deal with. Some of the crumbs really felt awesome. Crumbs don't work, can't focus on them.
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
Thanks Rob123. Our stories and timelines are very similar. My wife actually did this same thing 6 years ago too, and it wasn't until we were separated for several months and actually filed that she asked to come back. In many ways it was way easier to detach when we weren't under the same roof.
I too feel/felt like I have to be home all the time because of our kids and my wife's busy schedule. So, I was/am probably totally co-dependent as well.
How do you work out the logistics of going out and/or taking the kids out?
Thanks Rob123. Our stories and timelines are very similar. My wife actually did this same thing 6 years ago too, and it wasn't until we were separated for several months and actually filed that she asked to come back. In many ways it was way easier to detach when we weren't under the same roof.
I too feel/felt like I have to be home all the time because of our kids and my wife's busy schedule. So, I was/am probably totally co-dependent as well.
How do you work out the logistics of going out and/or taking the kids out?
Me and my W still are in the same house. I mean the BD was only 6 weeks ago. The past 2 weeks have actually been really good.
You know, I used to not even ask my W to watch the kids because I figured she would say no or something. I was mind-reading. Unfortunately, that led to the resentment that built up.
Now, I simply either just tell her I am meeting some friends or I just load the kids up and go to the park/zoo/whatever. Don't get me wrong, I'm not doing this to intentionally hurt my W. I just have realized that I need to do things to make myself happy. It actually has relieved many of those built up feelings of resentment. You go and play a round of golf or go play some cards with some buddies.
It has also has seemed to create a bit of mystique with my W. She is wondering where I am going. Who I am meeting. What is going on. You know, the things that you used to do without even thinking about it. Rather than sit around thinking the only way to be happy is to be with your W, I have realized that doing things with others brings me happiness as well.
And, against everything I would have told you 5 weeks ago, our R seems to be progressing in the right direction. Again, I'm still new around here. I'm still learning. I just know that sitting around trying to figure out what is going through my W's head or why she is doing certain things is a sure way to drive myself mad.
M: 6 years, together 11 M: 31 W: 30 D 2, S 4 BD 3/26/15 (EA with OM)
Post here before engaging with W. Did some GAL with a buddy tonight, so she is not happy. Interestingly, I usually never get coffee on my own w/o calling her to see if she would like something. I didn't tonight. I didn't say anything, she may not have even noticed.
Anyway, she keeps telling me that it's not right for me to have separated the bank account. That I should be paying child support if we're not going to have joint accounts. My L told me to only pay child support after the decree is final. L also told me she needs a court order to have me change the accounts back to joint.
I keep telling her to give me receipts and cover expenses she has. I wont pay for tanning, salons, etc.
She says it's "not right" yeah, well having sex with anyone but your husband isn't right either.
Any advice is appreciated.
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
You are making her face the reality of her situation which she believes you will always be there in some fashion.
You know, I got to a point where I was afraid, scared to stop doing the things I normally do. But guess what, I kept practicing and now it is much easier.
Thanks TenBook. So many new folks on here lately. I feel I'm lost.
I'm truly lost here at home. W keeps telling me one thing and I believe she is doing another. She could be telling me the truth about where she's going, what she's doing, and I don't believe her. I don't ask, she offers the information. I just feel like I'm living with a stranger.
She's going out tonight with friends. She instantly tells me that OM is not in town (you said that before). Then a friend asks her to watch their dog, so she says she is going to the stay night at her mothers because it's close to the dog. She tells me to come by the house and check to see she's alone. Her defensiveness upset me. We got ended up getting into an argument and I left the house.
Wow, I just deleted almost half of this post. I think I just realized something that I have been in denial about for a long time. Maybe other's have noticed. I'm sure W has noticed. I'm trying to control her. When she told me she would do whatever I needed to earn my trust, I saw that as an opportunity control.
I really thought I had gotten past the need to be in control. Why can't I? How do I?
I think the crumbs and scraps she offers me kept pulling me back to her. She would always want to talk at night and be close and I liked it. I can't do that anymore, no matter how good it feels at the time.
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
Hey Closer. Yes, alot of new folks can be a bit discouraging but it's good that they found their way here. We are not alone in this.
And that takes a slight edge off things when we remind ourselves that we aren't isolated.
Let go closer. You are so attached she has had to resort to making you feel better by telling you things like "come by the house and check". Let go because she sees you as someone that needs to be looked after.
TenBook, I do need to let go. I'm a typical NG and have a hard time letting go. I'm sick of being a NG.
If had let go, we wouldn't have had the fight today. I simply wouldn't have cared what she was doing.
This day started off great and now it's been one of the worst since D-day 4 months ago. I don't feel as bad as when I found about the EA. I feel worse than when I found out the EA was a PA, maybe that was because I always suspected the EA was a PA. Anyway, I feel worse today because today was completely on me. My inability to let go caused this.
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
I've been rereading NNMNG and lurking on the forums.
I'm hard on myself because I've been too easy on myself in the past. I believed the lies she was telling me. On D-day, she told me she was not seeing anyone. New Years Eve, I discovered she was. She told me it was only and EA. A couple of weeks ago I found out it was a PA. I saw conversations about marriage, OM being a step dad to my kids, and detailed sex talk. I quit reading what I found and haven't looked at it since. She told me it was just talk and he was much more serious about their R.
My DB coach said she lies because she's afraid. She's afraid of my reactions to the truth. She wanted me to go away without a fight. She even admitted that she wants me to just go away. I'll admit there was a point last year that I was strongly considering divorcing her. Like many on this forum, I didn't realize I didn't want a D until it was too late and she filed. When I discovered her affair, it was a surreal experience. Really strange, almost like I was looking down from above at myself. It was a wake call.
I have to focus on what works. My DB coach has been suggesting trying to be more open to her and to spend time talking to her. I feel like I need to distance myself and detach. I need to get out of this house and put some space between us. It's difficult for me to let go without space.
I appreciate any 2x4s, suggestions, or advice.
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
I think all of us on this forum have fallen victim to lies that our spouse have told us and we believed. I have to agree with TenBook that you are being too hard on yourself.
I would follow your DB Coach's advice. You may have already read or heard this, but just in case you haven't, DB'ing is counter-intuitive.
Best of luck to you -- I wish you well.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Following my coach's advice. Things haven't really changed much. We're getting along well and she acts like she isn't having an affair. She is working on the house a few hours a day. It still bugs me that she spends most of the day working out and having lunch with her divorced pals. It does bug me less this week than it did last week. Progress.
I need to be better about not contacting her. I find it harder to not respond to texts when we're good. It's easier to ignore them when I'm pissed.
10 year anv today. lol
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
This is going to take longer than you would like. Stick with the plan for now.
It has to be a hard day for you. 10 yr anniversary, huh? My 14th anniversary is coming up in June.
Hang in there. We're rooting for you!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Just signed the final decree. W had already signed it.
I'm not living in the house. Detaching is still hard.
I've been reading recent posts 25 and Zeus about forgiving. I've been really angry lately. That's the reason I felt that I needed to leave the house. I felt very agitated and stressed. I found myself hyper focused on everything she would do. It was driving me nuts because I didn't feel like I was detaching at all, I felt like I was trying to be more controlling, even obsessing.
There has been no contact from her. A few angry texts. I did call to check on the kids and she was as cold as ice. She did ask me when I was coming home because she needed someone to watch the kids. I want to see the kids, but I'm afraid she's going to turn me to an on-call babysitter.
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
I need to read more post divorce success stories. If anyone has any to share, I would love to see them.
L emailed me yesterday that the D was final. Exchanged a few texts and a short call with W. She keeps telling me she is sorry. That makes me angry. I don't know what to say to her. I just said "Thank you for being sorry. I'm sorry I didn't do anything when we started drifting apart last year. I hate how this went down, but what's done is done."
I'm still angry at her. I'm angry because I haven't spent anytime with my kids since Sunday and that stinks. I'm angry because the last time I saw them she ran out of the house and made a scene. I'm angry because I didn't want this. I'm angry because I waited too long to stop this.
I realized Sunday night that I have been in a major backslide for a few weeks. The backslide was so bad I almost completely stopped reading the boards. The backslide started when she came back home from staying with the OM. She had a "breakdown" and said she was putting things on hold with OM and focusing on her family. My DB coach told me to continue with the 180s. My 180 was to listen to her, validate, and share. However, I slowly starting trying to control her, to win her back, to see the mistake she was making. I didn't realize the pressure I was putting on her until I removed myself from the house. It's amazing how removing yourself from a situation can make you see it so much clearer. I should have left a long time ago but was afraid. During this time, OM was giving her space and that drew her towards him. The fog of the A was still there and the time required to rebuild was just too much. I know my recent backslide didn't help. Due to his giving her space, she became more drawn to him. Last weekend she told me that she doesn't want to spend anytime with me at all. So I left the house.
We only talk about bills and the kids. She made it clear that I must pick them up Friday after work because she is going to see OM.. I guess it's BF now. For some reason that didn't set me off like I thought it would. It still hurt, but not as bad as I thought it would. I actually appreciated her telling me the truth rather than making up a lie.
I want to see my kids. I miss them. I miss playing with them when I get home, getting them to bed.. everything we used to do. To hear my D5 ask me why I haven't been home "for so long" hurts. Then to hear W say "I'm sorry" after D5 gives her the phone back...geez.
Success stories are needed! I hate to sound so down, but I can't fake a PMA on right now. I'm reeling from this all being official for some reason. Getting this off my chest will help. Right?
Last edited by Closer2; 05/14/1504:36 PM.
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
