drop the rope- part II

[roist]

I'm rooting for you too.

[Elly4]

I need to dig down to find what it is I want to do to have some fun, to find new friends

Yes!!! Do that!

[Zephyr]

So as things go, they feel weird in my house over the last week. It feels more like wife is pulling away more (am it is hard not pushing after her). She is doing more, helping with groceries, making me english muffins in AM a couple of times, taking in the trash cans, helping with dishes, she helped clean up after the party on Sunday for the boys’ birthdays (which she never does). She also has been trying to do more things for herself, where normally I would have just done it (would you like me to get you some water, no I will get it myself type of stuff). Or the Oh, you didn’t have to do that for me, when I did…, “ I would have done it myself” statements. She even rejected the offer for me to give her massage for her sore legs yesterday (which even during the darkest times, she did not ever reject).

So my gut tells me this is bad, but my newly found logic is telling me this is GREAT! First, I am not pushing to convince her that it is a good idea for me to do these things (in the past…”oh, it’s alright…I don’t mind doing X at all for you”). Something I need to keep up that momentum on letting her do things for herself, and not pushing. It also shows that she is taking responsibility more around the house, right?

Why is my gut telling me otherwise. Is this because she wants to be able to not have to feel like I am trying to buy her affection with acts of service [sigh, this was certainly one of my darker habits… I know that now] or that she wants to be more independent so she can leave?

Wife stopped going to team weight loss workouts in the mornings, said it was too expensive so she didn’t do the next 3-month commitment. That on the heels of getting some dental work, car work and next tuition bill paid. So trying to save money and do the excersizing in the normal gym framework or outside now that it is getting nicer. That is good, right? Not spending money she could have otherwise done.

Wife has cut down on texting like 80% over last week…and I have not been initiating too many of the texts where we were more 40-60. When I have been home, she seems less communicative with me, but then I’ve been busy so it could just be coincidence. When she does talk, it is more about stuff outside of the house, like research articles she read rather than stuff about the kids ALL THE TIME. So that is good, right? Do I need to come up with some topics to talk about, rather than letting her lead that most of the time?

Her kisses have been warmer though, she will grab my hand as I walk by. Last night she rubbed my shoulder before bed and held my hand and told me twice that she loved me.

No mind reading, right. Stay the course, right. Keep up the hard work, dont Muck it up. No R talks. I am not going to buy her anything for anniversary this weekend. I want to go dancing though…just need to set up a sitter. Detachment process has caused some pretty high anxiety and fear. I know I am still in too deep and am ½ way through Codependancy no more…there is so much me in that book. I do feel, deep down inside, that I still love my wife and it is not just an infatuation or sexual desire or loss that i'm trying to prevent. I very much enjoy her company and love listening and talking with her.

Where was this guy 10 years ago. Sometimes I wonder if she is divorce busting me? god I hope so

[roist]

I know you are in it and you have to trust your gut. But it sounds good to me. I have reread your posts and I don't see the reason for such negative thoughts. I don't discredit your feelings, they are surely more tuned in than me. Just an outsiders viewpoint.

You have a lot of what I would see as major steps in the right direction. I too admit that I see baby steps and automatically say that's good but it is superficial and doesn't count in the long run. But it counts now and beats reverse steps.

I laughed at your last comment. I too thought I could take a tip or two from my wife about detaching, GAL and no expectations .

[Sherman333]

i need to go through my mp3 player for the gym and playlists at work and change things up...to many woe-is-me breakup songs.
one of play lists at work is 'Feel like $hit' and it has all being dumped or love lost music.

I think some Rush, NIN and Foo-Fighters are in order today.

For me... "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons.

[Sherman333]

She also has been trying to do more things for herself, where normally I would have just done it (would you like me to get you some water, no I will get it myself type of stuff).

Or the Oh, you didn’t have to do that for me, when I did…, “ I would have done it myself” statements. She even rejected the offer for me to give her massage for her sore legs yesterday (which even during the darkest times, she did not ever reject).

So my gut tells me this is bad, but my newly found logic is telling me this is GREAT! First, I am not pushing to convince her that it is a good idea for me to do these things (in the past…”oh, it’s alright…I don’t mind doing X at all for you”). Something I need to keep up that momentum on letting her do things for herself, and not pushing. It also shows that she is taking responsibility more around the house, right?

Why is my gut telling me otherwise. Is this because she wants to be able to not have to feel like I am trying to buy her affection with acts of service [sigh, this was certainly one of my darker habits… I know that now] or that she wants to be more independent so she can leave?

Good you're not pushing to do things for her. Keep that up.

As far as your gut... you're uncomfortable because it's a different way of doing things and looking at the world. You're overcoming a habit.

You might also look at "No More Mister Nice Guy". Some of the items in your post imply you might have these bad habits too... something to consider.

[Zephyr]

Sherman,
NMMNG is on the list. i bought 3 books a while back and that was one of them...the order got cancelled for just that one, they didn't give a reason, amazon suppliers. so just finished the others. Picked up 'Codependance no more' this week and almost done. will be getting the Nice guy book next.

[Elly4]

Zephyr, sounds like you're doing great recently. Keep it up!!!

[Zephyr]

So i am going to add 'Not Just Friends' to the book list, seems like everyone who gets married should read that one too.

This weekend was my anniversary, 17 to be exact and we had a great time. i had a wedding on friday night for my uncle, kids soccer stuff on saturday and then a nice anniversary dinner and country line dancing saturday night. i had wanted to go line dancing for a while, so i found this club not too far that had lessons, so i got to do what i wanted to do on saturday. everything felt so right. we got dressed up both nights and had fun planning. to help keep things more clear in my head, i went in with a mindset that even if she wanted, we were not going to have sex either night (i didn't want to pressure that aspect). it didn't come to that and honestly i was not even dissappointed at all. Both nights we took tons of pics together and had fun looking through them and a bunch of our wedding pics and boys baby pictures on sunday. We laughed and laughed.

i am still on my guard, looking for signs of something else going on. i know that i very much could have missed other signs in the past. i don't want to let my insecurity get the best of me about potential affair but then again i want to make sure i am mindful of that potential and likelyhood of another person affecting my wifes emotions or feelings.

Do nothing has been the advice that i've taken so far. it does feel like more and more i do need to tell her that i am not comforable with her relationships with male friends outside of the normal group atmosphere, especially any where she is willing to discuss topics in our marriage that she has not been willing to discuss with me.

my conflict is that things are so much better than they were 2 years ago. things feel more like a marriage than they have for years. Is it ever possible that the wife comes back to a marriage from an WAW condition or EA / PA or whatever, even though nothing is ever proven or discovered. at what point would these things need to get dredged up and addressed. At what point does IC / MC get suggested to bring out these topics to work on the problems so they do not come back again. What i certainly do not want is to return to a marriage without a resolution of what really went wrong. i don't want things to be swept under the rug. it seems like that is potentially what is going on in my life. where wife is starting to reconnect to me, but we have not discussed what has been wrong. i have really made an effort to address my failings in our marriage, but she has not. when does that get brought up. Is it on her time table or up to her?

OR is this the situation where i just sit tight, keep moving forward and let things happen however they shall. It is hard to move forward when you are stuck.

[Elly4]

I know some of the more experienced people with jump in with their advice, but I'd say sit tight, GAL, and stay detached right now. I just posted on my thread that I have the hardest time dbing when things are going well. You need to let her bring up the subject of R and otherwise focus on yourself and enjoy the pleasant times with her.

I reread the lighthouse story more times than I can count. It helps as it reminds me that no matter how much our R has improved, he is still untrustworthy. I will continue to be the lighthouse. When the time is right, she will bring up the R with you.

Hang tight and know we are all praying for you!