Isn't the fact that he doesn't reach out to me a sign that he's lost to me? He said he wanted to think for a few days, and that he hadn't decided that he didn't want to be with me. But could this absolute no contact be a way for him to just try and let it all fizzle out?
No! He said he needed time and he's taking it....let him have it. I'm no expert for sure but take this time to work on you. What is there about you that need to change? What are some things you really want to do? Easier said than done for sure, but now is the time to put your focus on you, not him.
I'm better at giving advice than heeding my own...but Cadet says it in every intro:
Quote:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
Thank you so much for your reply! I do so hope you are right! I have decided to try try try to wait for him to get in touch with me, even though it is hard.
I have lots of things to work on that's for sure! I've decided to run a half marathon in a months time and another in September. And I have plenty of work to do with myself as a person to, and I will try to do that to the best of my ability..
Thank you again! Please keep your fingers crossed that all works out. I send you my very best!
M: 44 H: 43 ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect. "This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15 Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15 It's over: 9/5
Friday night and not a word for 2 days now. We normally talk a million times a day.. Feels like this is killing me. Trying to focus on myself, been out running and now I'm watching our finale of Dancing with the stars, that we have watched together for the last 8 weeks or something like that.. My feelings are running away with me and I think of a million reasons (bad ones) why he doesn't call.
Trying my hardest now not to call, to focus on him and not myself. Think I need help from up above to get through this..
M: 44 H: 43 ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect. "This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15 Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15 It's over: 9/5
Going to see him in a few hours, we had said we wanted a few days to think about things. I'm going to where he's working on his boat for a swift visit and coffee. On my initiative. (Yes, I know I'm hopeless.) He said in text this morning that he's thinking of me.
Any advice? I feel like I want to go there, be my happy breezy self and try to develop a good feeling and then go back home again. Try to stay out of discussions..
What do you more experienced DB think?
Thankful for all advice!
M: 44 H: 43 ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect. "This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15 Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15 It's over: 9/5
This is totally breaking my heart. I realise that I do most things wrong, but I'm having a hard time understanding how he has become so over it, in a sense, so quickly. It's like he has no inclining to even try to be positive and see anything good, it's all dark it seems.. Or almost anyway.
Yes, I did see him. And to answer Cadets question, I think I thought I wanted to show him that we could have a just quick coffee together on a positive and light note, and that it was something good. Well, didn't work, obviously.. I ought to have guessed as much, or maybe I did, but just wanted to try so badly that I couldn't help but to try.
I came there, a little bit awkward at first, got a hug and a peck on the lips and then a longer hug. Sat down with our coffee, (in Sweden we call it "fika" and it's a very big part of Swedish culture to have coffee and something jummy to go with it) and spoke about this and that at first.
Then it got a bit quiet and I felt that it would have been ludicrous to pretend that it wasn't something bugging us. So I asked, so how you've been? And he said that he's been thinking lots and he thinks it's so hard to know what to do. In one moment he thinks that maybe this is just a phase and that he doesn't want it all to end, and in another he doesn't feel the same as a year ago and it's so hard to not feel what he thinks he supposed to feel and to be the one (out of us two) who feels the least.
(The thing is that this spring has been very focused on other things than us, and I would be more surprised if we had felt the same as we did before, our last fun activity together without kids or others was on Valentines day when we went skiing and had a great day, and after that he's been in the US to work for over 3 weeks and has his kids full time for 4 � weeks. So mostly we've been cooking dinner at each others house and watched tv, had sex and not much else. So I don't see how the feelings from a year ago could have been present now, when we haven't had time/opportunity to really connect in the same way.)
His kids came up, and that he wants to focus more on them than he's done. (He's got two teenage twin girls that are a handful to say the least, and have not been very interested in socializing with him the last year but now finally are coming around, and I told him he should.)
One thing I got from this was that he says that he doesn't walk around thinking that he wants something else or someone else. It's not that he doesn't think I'm good enough if you understand what I mean, but he is thinking that he might not want a relationship AT ALL! :'( And that he can't choose his emotions, they just are what they are.
He said again that he didn't want to be persuaded and that he thinks it so HARD to talk about feelings and that he's not in any hurry to figure this out, he's not got any OW waiting or something like that. I said that I understand and that I know this is hard, I feel that too but that I think that it's ok that it is hard, because we grow from it. So I went home and it all felt pretty good that we had talked even though hard. AND THEN..
Morning came. I have my worst time with problems in the morning and wake up with a huge lump of hurt in my stomach and pure anxiety. So what do I do? I start thinking of the fact, that he's always said to call at any time. And I wanted to feel that I still could do that, and I just wanted to say that I called to still feel that I could. We haven't said that we're not together yet.. So I call, he doesn't pick up. Panic sets in. I call again. It's 7,45 in the morning, why no answer? I call 3 times and then I hang up, run up the stairs and put on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt and run out the door, thinking that I'm so driving to him to see if he's not home or with someone else. I do have a key..
As I'm running towards my car, the phone rings. It's him. I answer and he sounds just like normal. I ask him what he's doing and he says he's just been cleaning the pipes in the bathroom that had clogged and the phone was in the kitchen so he didn't hear me ringing. -Cleaning the bathroom at this time in the morning, you normally sleep this early? He says yes, but he had fallen asleep in the sofa the previous evening and had woken up thinking with all he had to do he might as well get cracking..
I started crying and said I had been on my way over there. He said -What? Why? with surprise in his voice. I told him what I had thought, and that I probably was to damaged from previous relationships to even be in a relationship all the while I'm crying.
He was very sweet and said that I could call him any time and he didn't want me to think things like that. We spoke about our conversation the previous day and it felt like we connected and thought that it was a good thing that we had spoken. I said that since it's only 3 weeks until he's returning to the states (does some work for NASA believe it or not) maybe if it was ok with him, we could try and see one another every now and again until then and then we'll get plenty of time to think when he's in the states, because he'll be gone for 5 weeks. He said that he thought that was good.
I asked how he felt about us having sex during this time, and he said that he could have that every day with me, but he doesn't want me to feel bad if we do have sex. I said that I love having sex with him, and would miss it if we didn't.
I said that if we only meet for example 5 more times, I wanted us to do fun stuff together and use the time for something good as going on a bike ride or walk, or do something fun, not just watch tv.. Suddenly he says quietly that -or maybe we could do something else we like.. Suddenly it all got quiet and I know he was thinking about the same thing as me.. So I said that I would really like that and that I thought it had been too long. (10 days or something..) The conversation got pretty hot and we hung up with us both saying we wanted to be together soon. We sent a few text after as well.
However.. I called him to say goodnight last night, he sounded as usual in the beginning. But when I brought up wanting to "catch up" sometime soon he sounded more distant. I asked him if he felt up for it and got a yes, but it wasn't like he was superexcited about it and wanted to shout it from the rooftop. But he did say hugs and kisses when we hung up..
And this is where we are. Me: too eager, wanting to patch things up. Longing to be near him. Wanting to keep something positive going between us. Him: not sure of anything it seems and not taking any initiative to contact me or even sounding sure that he wants to jump me as he's always been.
I so want to win over my demons that want me to push push push and try to keep emotions at bay but it's like fighting a big roaring lion. Very hard.
Does it sound like all hope is lost to you? I realise that me going there for coffee was bad and not doing the 180.. Maybe even sex, something that always been very good between us might even be to avoided?
This was a loooooong post. Sorry about that! Hope you made it through..
M: 44 H: 43 ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect. "This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15 Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15 It's over: 9/5
Wanted to show him that we could have a nice moment together, show up bubbly and hopefully he would find me attractive and see the good that we could have..
Didn't work so well.. Am I (and or this) a hopeless case you think? Not a word from him yet today, and not sure if I should do the 180 and simply not contact him or what to do..
M: 44 H: 43 ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect. "This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15 Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15 It's over: 9/5
I'm about to be really hard on you, and I am a complete softy by nature. But I can't see you waste the opportunity to have right now because me and and I think many other people here, would love to be in your position!
So here it is, 2x4 coming
This is going to be the hardest thing I am going to ask you to do. But you have to get your heart out of this situation right now, and start using you head. The more you respond with your emotions right now, the less chance you have of saving things with this man you love.
1. STOP everything you doing. You have to start thinking strategically, this is a long term plan, think about this exactly like preparing for the marathon you about to start training for. You don't just decide to complete a marathon without some physical and mental training. You are not going to save this relationship, without any forward planning.
2. Get your head and heart out of his business. What is going on in his head and heart right now, is none of your business. You have plenty of your own business to be taking care of, you don't need to worry about his!
3. Get your head and heart off and out of his bed and body. Again you have no business, being in the bed and body of man, who feels ambivilant about his feelings for you. You are more amazing than that! If he wants YOU, and I mean all of you, he has to earn that right to have you be in his bed and body.
4. Right now, he knows that you are all about him. All about wanting him, loving him, needing him. Men value what they work for, and want what is valuable! Right now your man has to do jack sh*t. You are a PRIZE, you are SPECIAL, VALUABLE! If you want him to realise that, you have to start behaving like that
5.That means no more contacting him. He contacts you. You keep it brief and flirty. No talk about the relationship! You smile through out every phone call and text you write in response to him. You are always off to do something, or busy. Mysterious. Exuding that when he isn't around life moves on and is fantastic.
6. The no contact means that you stop pursuing. You create some tension, he starts to think I wonder what she is doing, who she is with. You need him to think about you. Men don't like to feel emotionally uncomfortable. It's like an itch they can't scratch. Create the itch, dont contact him unless he contacts you and then it is brief. We want to create tension like a rubber band, you want him to spring back to you, over and over again , wanting you more and more.
7. While you're not in contact, you get a life you fabulous woman! You run that marathon, you hang out with your friends have coffee and yummy things. You live your life so loud and proud, that if this man decides not to step up, you know you are going to be 100% ok, in fact more than ok!
Look Please don't waste this opportunity, I would give everything I own to be where you are right now. Use this time when, he is one foot in and one foot out!
But also know something, that the more you step back right now, the more room he has to step back in, and if he doesn't, you know exactly where you stand. And you know where you are standing, right in your own life that is pretty bloody amazing!
