My First Break, Light Shines Yonder

[Pyrite]

No please dont. I appreciate them very much, even when annoyed sometimes.

[Zues126]

On the distraction comment- distraction is necessary in many ways. In fact, you could say our entire lives are to distract ourselves from two extremes- the joy that is the miracle of life, and the fear and sadness that it will end. Those are powerful experiences, but if we walked around all day mind blown by the universe we wouldn't be very effective at living. So we tuck those thoughts away and focus on the small stuff most of the time.

However, distraction can be an addiction. It can be a way to avoid yourself. I am a PHD in that. That's why I wanted you to read my thread. How much I've changed is debatable, but I've learned an awful lot about the prison I was in. And my dissociation with my true feelings. And why. And I have become a different person because of it.

So distract as a deliberate coping mechanism, when appropriate. When it gets destructive is when you HAVE to distract perpetually, and you are running in high gear all of the time, charging somewhere, doing something, because heaven forbid you have time for your feelings to catch up with you...

[Pyrite]

Knowing where that "line" is would be great. Fortunately/unfortunately I err on the side of NOT deliberately distracting when I should. Im a gluten for (self) punishment.

I saw some very close friends today. Apparently I am MUCH better than I was a month ago. They are very surprised by my generosity towards my wife. The last time I saw them I WANTED to hate her. I was busy pushing for action on this re-location issue and complaining that W wasn't organised, prioritizing etc.

I told them that NOW I had given up on this pushing, trying to organise and even accepting her priorities. It wasn't until I was on the way home that it occurred to me that firstly I was using this organising as a distraction. And also it was an attempt to control how this ordeal unfolded. This happened before I found DB or this board. I wasn't informed and didn't have the same words to describe it, I just knew I was only hurting myself (for no good reason [actually my need to control the outcome was greater than my desire to have any outcome at all] ) and getting nowhere.

(Also related to an earlier discussion. Rambling, journaling)

In the aftermath of BD I envied people who could so easily adopt the attitude of righteousness, blame the other person, detach, and find another R (to probably repeat same thing). I couldn't let it go for a second. I was analyzing everything almost 24 hours per day since BD and absolutely would not let go until I had filled the missing pieces. I fully accepted my Ws accusation that it was all my fault and at that time it was known between us as my "depression". Still things didn't fit, and eventually all roads lead Cairo, and the only remaining hypothesis required OM.

My theories were all I could talk about. One friend said OM theory proves that it was not my fault and I should just dump the bitch and move on. This didn't gel with my understanding though. OM was a result of enduring an unhappy R, and I caused it to be that. My "excuse" or "whitewash" explanation was that she still should have been prepared to work on the M. Even just for the kids sake. But then I realised how far down the path she must've been. And this was an unrealistic expectation. Logically. Scientifically. I think I convinced myself that my dedication to solving this "problem" was testimony of my dedication to my W or the M. And I did think in the early days that if I could just solve this riddle then I would save the M.

Now I see that this crazy obsession with solving the riddle was not dedication to my W, it was the death cry of a control freak. I have commented before about my history as a control freak. Honestly though, my W had been pretty much shielded from this. Deliberately. Arguably another example of control but then worryingly you head down a path of being able make 1+1=3. I commented earlier to MrBond that one of her quoted reasons for loving me was that I always listened to her and acted on it, however crazy it seemed. Maybe I wanted to be perfect for her. Like with you Z, and wanting the perfect M. I think I did too, but only went so far as I wanted to be the perfect H and father. I had to be the perfect boyfriend etc. So maybe it was always a control issue.

This did definitely turn. After she left me a few years in, the control-shackles came out. So it ruined my M, destroyed my M, killed me after BD, then was still an issue later disguised as logistical expedience.

When is it going to be over. Sometimes I feel like I am getting better.

Am I just trying to control the situation again by DBing to save the M?

So maybe I should truly avoid controlling her by just letting her go? But this is what I am aiming for anyway, to get her back? But I mean fully supporting her in achieving the divorce? This doesn't necessarily mean going dark for example. Which would not exactly be DBing, but it would be eliminating my attempts to control her. But maybe this IS controlling her and the sitch?

Man - I am second guessing myself all over the place tonight.

Generally though I feel good about this. I feel like I have come a long way. Oh, this all started following a post on Smothy's thread. I am feeling the 180 on my W, as quoted there, is taking hold. And as I have said a few hundred times WRT detaching, it hasn't really diminished my heartfelt position on the matter. It has clarified it. And made it easier to accept as just part of who I am. This is something I just want, like I prefer chocolate to vanilla. It isn't a frantic position. I am starting to feel like I am not just "waiting" for her but I am open to reconciliation - if she brings it up.

[Pyrite]

Well, the end of kids-week is here. D4 gave me another round of how to win Mamma back. Its all about presents you see . Pack up and move out, again. Selling could likely inspire great things. A new place, my place. Spend my share of the asset pool on a yacht. Exciting times? The gift of time? Endless time perhaps, a second chance nonetheless. Damn, why did it have to get to this before I woke up,

[Smothy]

I always thought my control was for the good of the family. Efficiency, saving money, working out logistics etc.

Now I see it's a fear of failure and rejection. I think this is why this D has impacted on me so much. I fear letting go of the control. I had so much anger inside which I am working on.

Pyrite, it's us wanting to be perfect for our spouses that manifests itself in control. We are too scared to take of the mask that we are hiding behind. Now we are working on ourselves and taking off the mask to look in the mirror it is scary stuff!

I too think I have come a long way for myself but not at a stage where I have truly let go of attachement to my H.

[Pyrite]

Reply to comment from Zeus on closed thread (Smothy)

Instead I recommend a narrative in which you see yourself as a wonderful human with flaws. One that deserves to be treated with respect. One that deserves a loving and committed partner, a partner that won't abandon them or script them as the bad guy. But also one that has made mistakes, that can forgive their WAS for their mistakes, one that has room and need to grow. And part of that growth is telling ourselves a balanced and effective story of who we are, how we got here, and how we will move forward. And part of that growth is letting go of your WAS's control over your view of your reality.

That is how we achieve detachment, feelings of self worth, acceptance, yet still grow from our experiences. That's all we can do. Whether someone else values what we offer or not, don't let that for a second dictate that your self worth.

Very well put. A little too long for a mantra, but something I will recite when necessary. I have always had trouble with the "wonderful human being" part.

How do you learn self care when you've looked to someone else to take care of you for so long?

I've been thinking about this recently. Before I met my W I was single for over 3 years, and generally happy. Certainly constructive/positive. This is when I went back to school, stopped taking drugs, stopped smoking, started swimming, gym, etc. So I DID take care of myself. I suspect a lot of us did, so maybe recapturing that is not so far fetched.

That's why I keep referring people to my old threads. It's been something I've been working on for 10 months now. I'm not "all better", I'm not the H only a fool would leave. But I've come a heck of a long ways and feel better about who I am. This makes my life more enjoyable, and I know it would take a lot of pressure off my partner if I were in an M.

Another thing I have been thinking about. How to gauge your own "success"? How will you know when you are there? I dont think you/I/we ever will be. Its like "I'm still an addict, I just haven't used in 15 years". I dont agree that you would not make a good H right now, unless of course all of your "reflections" are disingenuous.

Of course there is a point before which you are not actually ready, even if you think you are. I can see at my early stage how I have done a 180 in all my relationships, friends, family, colleagues. I haven't slipped up yet and I am really proud of that, but I imagine I will at some stage. I dont think I am ready for a R, and absolutely I am not ready to begin reconciliation with my W (even IF that was on the cards), but I think there must be some point at which you say to yourself I can't learn anymore, or judge my progress any further without throwing myself into a R.

Then it is exactly the same sitch as before; "I'm still an addict, I just haven't used in 15 years". So you just have to keep correcting. I do believe that it will be like everything else though, it just gets easier and easier until eventually it becomes the new you. I have a friend who trains people sailing. The other week he was telling me how some of them just keep training for years. Others take out their own boat after 1 lesson. Oddly there is no perceptible difference in their abilities.

[Pyrite]

Now we are working on ourselves and taking off the mask to look in the mirror it is scary stuff!

I too think I have come a long way for myself but not at a stage where I have truly let go of attachement to my H.

Scary indeed. But we were once here. I am confident we can re-learn. I haven't "let go" completely at all. For example, I just got an email alert. W calling. 2 months ago I carried my phone with me and looked at it every 5 seconds just in case I missed it. Now - i haven't even looked at the email yet. Replying to some anonymous poster is more important for ME. You'll get there. Just be patient, dont be so hard on yourself. Be proud of your babiest of steps. You keep posting, that suggests you are committed to making this change. Your focus WILL change, the goal WILL become clearer, but it won't define you.

[Pyrite]

hey, me again, just wondering if you have advice on ICs background I should be looking at. I am possibly moving towards another. She has helped me through the worst of it, but I think I would benefit from a "stronger" personality. Face to face 2*4ing, someone who challenges me with some cojones. Figuratively that is.

[MrBond]

Find one that's pro-M and can help you with communication. There are also workshops you could attend while you're doing so. It will be hard at first to find a C that can challenge you the way you want. No one will want to be confrontational to you.

[Pyrite]

cool. It was the pro-M part I was looking for. I dont want confrontational, just someone who suggests other ways of thinking bout an issue OR highlights when my way of thinking about something is ....questionable. Someone who is MORE ready to be on the front foot than just passively listening. I'm not saying that this is ALL she does either. Just weighing up.

Thanks for the advice.