In desperate need for help

[Smothy]

I heard from H today emailing me to say my proxy vote has arrived. Gave me some info on his internet change and asked how I am doing.

Just business, I keep thinking to my self how did we get to this point. How sad that he has chosen to D rather than work on us.

[Smothy]

Made a leap forward today, did not check H FB and found myself not obsessing so much. However, lost the control and checked something else instead :-(

I vow to abstain tomorrow. I need to go dark and work on me.

[Pyrite]

Another feeling I think we can all relate to. My W prompted that we had to work on the M. I sprung into action. One week later she ended the marriage and didn't want to work on it at all. I couldn't reconcile this turn around. Then OM popped up, and it all fell into place. But even before this my head knew that you couldn't force somebody to want to work on the M. It didn't make it any easier for my heart to accept.

I had this naive image that Ms only failed post all attempts to work things out. Apparently not the case as evidenced by a lot of LBSs here.

[Pyrite]

An example where forced distraction might be a good thing Zeus? I think Smothy if you can go 2 days without checking up, FORCING yourself to detach, then the third day you will find it so much easier to resist without even forcing yourself quite so hard. You probably won't be cured straight away but for me it was a great way to build confidence that I am in control of me, I control my behaviour, my attitude and my life. And the things you are stressed about become clearer NOT less visible. This doesn't mean you are fixed, but you will feel better and you can aim better.

[Fogg]

Made a leap forward today, did not check H FB and found myself not obsessing so much. However, lost the control and checked something else instead :-(

I vow to abstain tomorrow. I need to go dark and work on me.

Baby steps work for that, but its best to do something that removes the temptation all together. If its there you will go back to it at some point. For me I just removed W from my FB and I don't regret it now. All those quotes and images she shared I would always over analyze, and it just made things worse on myself. I know the snooping, I've done so much of it and most of it is pointless pain.

Like many other points in this, thinking about something doesn't always work like you want it to. Try an action instead, remove his FB, block it, something. Same goes for the other bits of "checking", if you can remove the temptation its easier to not think about.

My W is very careless with her things also so the temptation is always there for certain things. For instance, I told her about the passwords I knew and the ipad syncing to her icloud so I could see her regular email and her icloud email. She went and changed all the passwords, removed the syncing issues, even put a 2-step verification for some accounts just in case I got the password again. Not that I'm looking for it, and I was the one to tell her so she removed those things for my own good. Then she leaves the accounts open and logged in on her computer that sits in the living room.....

[Pyrite]

i should stress - that it worked for ME anyway.

[Pyrite]

Very true Fogg - just unfriend him. Done. Although this may cause problems I suppose being so remote.

[Fogg]

Its also important to note that any advice you get on here is just what worked for that person, its not always going to work for everyone. You have to look at your own situation and consider how certain actions would play out.

You could also just stop using your own FB, stop following his pages, etc. There are alternatives that you could try other that just removing him, but the decision is up to you in the end. I'm just telling your from experience the snooping leads to more and more pain for you, and its best to stop as much of it as you can. If you don't have the self control, remove your ability to "check" something.

I haven't read up on your whole story, I was just giving an example of what I've done to stop the snooping and it worked for me. My W was in an EA, possibly PA and at the time removing her from FB was the best course of action for my own sanity. I'm sure it was noticed by her, but she hasn't mentioned it and at this point I'm completely fine with never seeing her posts again.

[Smothy]

He has unfriended me on FB. Unfortunately, a search will bring up what he posts.

I have tried the elastic band on my wrist for a week now, and also using Laurie's advice.

I am thinking about H more recently, as I am due to return home. H dropped the DB whilst I was abroad so have had no physical contact since January. By the time I get home it will be over 6 months we have been near each other.

[Smothy]

H keeps reiterating he wants to be friends and would always be there for me. At the beginning I thought this meant he would somehow come back to me.

My H went to see my BF in Dec 14 and had a 5 hour conversation with her. She tells me that H must D me in order to find himself and if I tried to stop him he would really resent me and hate me. H feels he has been living in my shadow/ control for all these years.

I don't know how to get him to see my 180 changes as we are thousands of miles apart. We have very limited contact so pertaining to the D and now finances.

He has offered to pick me up for the airport and carry out my proxy vote for me. I have yet to answer this email. I don't know whether at this point I should now go dark?