You are right. This was the first time I actually saw her cry and saw her feel her emotions. Previously all she did was spew and fling crud at me. I just sat with her as she experienced her feelings.
She mentioned again about feeling worthless. She has said this 2 -3 times over the past few months. Somehow I don't think happy people say they are worthless. Who knows.
I feel a lot of emotion too but not worthless. I feel cheated, angry, upset, mad, reflective, sorrowful, sadness but not worthless.
Yes it is. When the XW and I were packing up our things from our old house after she filed for D she sat there all day and cried hard. I felt so much satisfaction. It was finally the first time I saw her actually feeling part of the gravity of the situation and what her actions and decisions caused.
It only lasted one day, but I was glad to see that I was not the only one hurting.
I too let her sit and cry all day long. Didn't mention a word to her. I was actually happy and upbeat that whole day.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
I am not saying that we are glad to see our partners hurting but I guess I am trying to say that i am glad to see them showing emotion and for them to realize and contemplate what they have done. They have wreaked havoc and that really really blows.
How are you holding up after your D? Do you split your kids? Has life gotten any easier for you?
My WAW brought the kids over to my office - our son has a Doctor appointment on Friday's at 4PM. This is the first time she has done this too. It was a welcome surprise to see them and we hugged (kids and I). I told them I loved them and would see them Friday.
Part of me wants to walk over there and sit with them and go to dinner afterwards - like we used to do after these weekly appointments. But I know I can't do that - pursuit.
OK - I need to get something going for this weekend!
Why do people who cheat think that no one gets hurt? Why are they surprised to find their loved ones devastated?
What on earth is that about? Is it about not caring? Is it about the adddiction is too strong? I have come across this both personally and from other resources, the cheaters had no idea how painful this would be for their partner?
Different people cheat for different reasons. The general thinking is most of the WS cheat not because they set out to, but because they are caught when they are vulnerable and the green grass comes along. It is a selfish act and one that does not have other peoples' feelings in mind. It is about them and what they think they deserve. Hard to explain because there really is no thought process which goes into it. Its the fog, the chemicals in the brain....
Dont try and dwell on figuring out what goes on in their brain. Dwell on what got them to that point and what role you played.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
My story is that my WAW went home - East Coast for the death vigial for her Grandmother. We were in constant contact through phone,email, chat, text. The Grandmother died with family in the room. She was 95 - it was a mercy. My family was on East Coast for 2 weeks.
When she came back, she "fell in love" with another at work, left the home and started her new life with her soul mate.
She keeps insisting that I never admitted my 50% of the problem. Every time she says this, I tell her "It must have been terrible for you to have felt so alone and that I did not love you." I have said this in email, and in therapy and in person many many times.
It never registers with her and she acts like it's the first time she hears it. I swear I have said it 50 times. But I guess I will have to say it forever for her to believe it.
You are looking for her to be reasoned out of her fog. Pointing out the obvious to a WAS has never resulted in a "oh wow, what was I thinking" moment for them. Her mind is dead set on justifying her actions. It makes no sense. She is rewriting history to suit her own peace of mind. You cannot do anything but show with actions that her point of view is wrong. That is why the 180s are important. That is why self realization of what role you played in the demise of the relationship is so important. That is why we as LBS never SAY what we are changing, we just change. And we keep our changes consistent, and over time, the WAS begins to see the error in the previous thinking.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
It never registers with her and she acts like it's the first time she hears it. I swear I have said it 50 times. But I guess I will have to say it forever for her to believe it.
What gives?
She may never believe it, just something you have to accept.
She may not be able to justify in her own mind the decisions shes making if she suddenly doesn't have your faults to focus on anymore. It becomes a lot harder to have an affair and D your spouse if you discover the reasons you based your decisions on aren't valid.
It may just be easier for her to hold onto that anger than face whats happening. She still wants the A, so shes willing to do/think anything to keep it.
Last edited by Fogg; 04/25/1502:18 AM.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Right - it's weird. I have many texts and emails right before she comes back home that say how much she loves me, how she can't wait to see me etc.... And my texts and emails are do what's best baby - I know you will make the right decision, I can't wait to see you too and how much I have missed her etc...
We just came back from Maui too and had an awesome time.
Boom! Now all of that is over, never happened, wasn't real - surreal.
I could write a book about how bizarre all of this is.
Detaching and doing my own thing but lately she is calling and texting and crying etc... She now says she didn't get caught but she told me about the affair which makes it better somehow. I would have found out about it very soon after her admission because she booked 1500 in our credit card . She had already done that when she told me. It was damage control at that point.
