My First Break, Light Shines Yonder

[MrBond]

"If she were my daughter for example I would encourage her to acknowledge the things she may have done so she may grow and not repeat."

Using those words in terms of your W, if her father told her that, she would say that she has acknowledged what she has done and has grown from it. See you have to understand that even though YOU disagree with your W, SHE feels that this is the path she has to take and that what she's doing is the right thing.

If you want to get her back, you have to work with that understanding. You can get to know this new W of yours and learn from her as well.

[Pyrite]

Sorry Cadet. Just starting afresh. I thought this one would just fade into the background. Happy to proceed whichever way suits you.

did you get my reply to email notification?

[Cadet]

did you get my reply to email notification?

No.
I will combine this with your other thread and edit

[Pyrite]

No doubt she would. All I am saying is that a therapist, friend, or maybe even you are bound to ask "OK - so he made you unhappy because he was unhappy/depressed.... , and this is your reaction, fine, but why was he unhappy". Lest it was something you did and you are simply headed to repeat. Anyway, I know this is how SHE feels and I dont disagree with her as such. My position has always been that we try to resolve this, we can always D later. She doesn't want to try. Fine, you can't make somebody want something they simply dont want. That doesn't mean I am right or she is right or I am implying either, or I am trying to control what she thinks.

I accept that she feels she has made the right decision. Suggesting that any person might examine alternative view points is not an indication that i dont consider other viewpoints valid. In fact, as a career researcher, on a daily basis you dont understand papers, the maths in a particular model etc AND what I have always considered since day one as a student is "Step 1. Assume that it is ME that doesn't understand. All of this makes perfect sense, I just can't see it (yet)"

But I appreciate your point. That said - you should've seen her yesterday in mediation. She was out-of-control angry. Even the mediator was puzzled. This is not the behaviour of someone who is at peace with themselves. Still, out of my scope. Move along.

[Pyrite]

OK thanks. IF preferable I will run to 100 posts from now on.

[Pyrite]

See you have to understand that even though YOU disagree with your W, SHE feels that this is the path she has to take and that what she's doing is the right thing.

If you want to get her back, you have to work with that understanding. You can get to know this new W of yours and learn from her as well.

I think in reality she is conflicted. But that is beside the point. I accept what you are saying and I wish it was that simple. She is not receptive to getting to know each other, but that is understandable. So is her anger. Maybe she will mellow. The family house will be gone etc, but all of that is a small price to pay, a trivial inconvenience. She is determined though, and already on another path. So who knows.

Lots of good things came out of this custody mediation. One is (almost forced, regular) contact. This will be good for the girls even if it does nothing to restore our R. This was missing completely before. I can see there is a glimmer of hope there BUT in general my future window has he first time in months extended beyond a week - which is fantastically liberating. I can only truly feel now how caged I felt.

[Zues126]

It's funny, when it comes to controlling behavior I typically thought of things I did to control my WAW. What I didn't think of are the things I do to try to control my entire life.

It is so easy to decide on a future you want, and then to try to force the world to deliver that future to you. When you can't see a way to get what you want it's depressing. When you can't see the path in front of you it's scary.

What I've learned is that we are very, very bad at deciding what we want in life. Most of the time the things we think will make us happy don't, and we miss out on the things that are truly fulfilling as we try to control our way to an illusion.

So when it comes to limbo land, when you can neither have what you want OR see the future...this is a great opportunity to learn HUMILITY (I don't always know what's best for me), FAITH (I trust if I do what's right it will work out), and APPRECIATION (what do I already have that I've overlooked in my efforts to get somewhere else).

And if you practice these traits in your individual perspective, funny enough you'll be less controlling in your interpersonal relationships as well.

[Pyrite]

That is true. I have (nearly) always been a big planner and organizer. I generally have been trying to appreciate NOW rather than focusing on the past or future. Realistically though I do need to plan. Not moving towards enrolling my daughter in school for example to avoid potential controlling mechanisms could be criticised as .....nutty, neglectful or at least misguided.

I say "nearly always" because there were several years in my youth when I was a free spirit. A drug induced free spirit perhaps. I wonder if it was just being constantly high that made this the happiest time of my life, or maybe letting go also played a part.

[Pyrite]

I am surprised I got away with my earlier post about my day at mediation without further criticism. Especially by Mr Bond. While I was writing I was anticipating the response "No, what you enjoyed was being in control". And there is truth to that. But there are several things.

Firstly I dont think it is necessarily unhealthy to want to be in control of a situation. Who wants to be controlled? It is unhealthy when it gets to the extreme of destroying a M.

Secondly, in this case I was actually not in control at all. I haven't been in control of any situation with my W since BD. In fact she makes a point of stripping me of control at every opportunity. I dont resent this anymore. I expect it even.

Lastly, the situation turned out well for me because I was in control of ME. Barring two comments that were questionably motivated and i regretted, I actually managed to listen to what she was saying and validate accordingly. What she actually said for the most part I've heard before. But the direction changed dramatically, because I reacted differently. This happened dozens of times in the 2 hour negotiation and she was clearly put off balance. There were occasions where she started to re-respond angrily, and then realised that I hadn't denied it, or agreed to co-operate, or whatever.

[Pyrite]

Zeus - that will be the subject of my directed meditation this week. HUMILTY, FAITH and APPRECIATION. Thank you for the inspiration.