Monday I got a text from W about her having a dream about leaving family and living in a flat. She woke up and realised it was true.
Monday afternoon W called me very upset and apologised for text. I wasn't sure what to say so I listened while she explained that L/C had told her that this was a journey she needed to take for W to realise what she had and had lost.
Tuesday W called me to say that she was having a bad week and apologised again for Her text. on Wednesday , W called to tell me about her family and kept me on the phone for about 25 mins. She told me she is always sad and doesn't know what to do. I validated her feelings but didn't dwell and changed the subject to my work and various problems and customers she would know. She called again about 2 hours later and again talked for about 1/2'hkur. W stays in house on a Wednesday night and when I got home she was very chatty but not happy. Mi went off to garage to do a bit of work on S20s bike and when I came back up W was waiting to chat After this she and S20 went into the other room to watch a film. I went into them later to say goodnight and S 20 was heading upto bed. I said goodnight to W but she asked me to hang on
W asked if we could talk. She started by saying that D10 Had asked her if W would ever come home. W answeed maybe but she wasn't sure. I thanked W for her diplomatic answer and W said it was the truth. W said she missed the family very much and had nothing left in her life. She talked about Monday's text and how she had no one to talk to W then asked me how I was doing and if I would be honest as I always said I was ok
I told W that I WAS on but obviously life was harder now and my biggest problem was that I had lost my best friend. W burst into tears at this and said that she had lost her best friend and would not be replacing him She then asked if I had a new best friend, I was vague and told her it was a tough time for us all but life would be better again
W then said sorry for how she acted last year and she didn't leave me but just wanted a break from the stress and a the issues we had. I said I didn't want to go over the past as we both agree that we are both to blame and discussing it had no upside. W then went on to say she let resentment build up and she can see that now. I didn't respond as I felt that was just going over the past again. W asked how kids were REALLY doing and I said we were all dealing with a new sitch and we would get there. She burst out crying again and said she never wanted any of this I decided that we were getting nowhere so I said we were all doing the best we could and both of us could only do our best for kids.
I said goodnight and W asked for a hug and said goodnight sweetheart As I left she was crying but I went on to bed. This morning W was a bit cold but ok and I haven't heard from her today
I found during the chat W was coming forward and temp checking a lot. I just took a call from another friend of mine who's on Facebook and he said she needs looking after as she seems very down !!
I know not to read anything in our chat other than W is down at the moment.
Sorry for blow by blow account but it helps to type it out Thanks for stopping by (if you got this far !!!! ). Take care all. Rd
Last edited by Cadet; 04/23/1508:59 PM. Reason: Link
I got this far RD! Sounds like your W is thinking for sure. And realising what she has lost.....to gain? Not much.
Funny my H said something similar about just letting resentment build up. It's good that she is realising some stuff like this. And sounds like you did well not to rescue her. From what you write, you sound to be drawing a little further away from her in discussions like this. Do you feel that? That you have heard it so many times already, it's hard to keep sympathising/empathising? You did some good validation though.
What's your take on her being cold the next morning? Do you think it was because you left her crying? One thing I would say is that she still seems to be pretty 'self-focused' and there doesn't seem to be much appreciation of the harm caused to others. There's still a note of - I'm sooooo unhappy and confuuuused...
I think things are trickling along in a reasonably positive direction though RD. As long as you don't get too fed up and reach your tolerance limit...I'm struggling a little with this at the moment myself...
Take care lovely RD. xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Toots. I knew you would be there for me , thank you. I do think I am drawing away but only in as far as I don't know if W is able to help herself so what can I do ? She seems very lost
I'm there for her and she knows this. During the chat she did apologise and say a lot about how she felt that she did things very wrong. She spoke of a constant physical pain whenever she left the house When we talked of the future I was clear that I was moving forward and life would be good for me as I only was looking at life positively for from now on.
Toots , I do believe she was reaching out but we will see. Thanks Toots
Toots , I do believe she was reaching out but we will see. Thanks Toots
Hi Rd,
Ah, I just caught up on your sitch. I find myself usually agreeing with Toots, and I agree with her again.
Please take it one day at a time my friend, try not to think too far ahead.
I wish you well.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Bob, agreeing with Toots is a bit of a contagion round these parts
RD, in some ways its like its only just occurred to your W what she's done but is still in the 'and woe is me for it' stage. I think at some point she will get to the stage that she really starts to comprehend her choices and their broader impact - I can see signs of it but im not sure if she feels that part or whether at the moment its still mostly self pity and resignation.
For what its worth I think you did a good job and I also think you did really well in expressing your feelings and ending the conversation when you did. She knows your there for her but also that your not some sort of limitless sponge for her negative emotions.
She can surely also see you're doing well and that you and the kids are fine without her.
Lots going on there but none of it decisive - more stars, but maybe they are a bit brighter.
Anyway take care RD
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
RD, your W should be grateful that she's married to you and not me. I would have little patience for her constant pity party. You have the patience of a saint. You are a good man.
I was very happy reading your posts about your wife's moves lately. I know it sounds like self pity but she is slowly realizing that it is not what she wants or at least not what she thinks it would be.
Life is complicated. You said many times that you could be a bit better during your M, just because she left it is not an automatic "You are guilty" stamp. After 4kids, your sickness, house, cats, dogs, and a lot more, I can see myself going crazy too.
That's what happen to me, I gave up on life. I did not leave my family physically, but I can remember I left my family mentally many, many times.
Once she took that decision, it is hard to just turn around and say that you made a mistake and want to be back. First, you get even more confused and does not know for sure if you want to go back to the same torture, second you are full of guilty and shame.
I think you are walking in the right direction. Would help to know what is her Love Language? So you could go in that direction?
I read a story in the "success stories" here in this website, that tells how a man won his wife back just being her friend, having a lot of patience and being there all the time. He even says that he question himself many times, if he was not just a fool. He struggled seeing his W living with OM, but he was decided to fight for his M and he did. With love and lots of patience he got his wife back, and he said their R was better then ever.
So, it may take some time, but it is very possible that she was very stressed out, tired of life as it was, routine, kids. And I am not saying she doesn't value all this, she was just empty. Her love jar was empty.
What about dating her? Could it happen without being very obvious. Is she the kind of woman that will initiate anything? If not, then how do you expect her to move closer to you? I feel that she needs at least to have some kind of hope that you wouldn't cut her off if she tries to get closer. Do you think she knows she has the door open to her family and your heart?
Maybe I am a bit romantic, but I have this feminine side that needs some assurance from my H. Sorry, just being a girl here.
RD, I see it all very positive. It is also the work she has been doing with the L/C. Slowly she is getting more real and will regain her strength and confidence.
