W dropped bomb March 16. EA with OM. Initially there was talk of divorce, first by me (I was reactionary and not yet following DR). Oh, this is the second EA in 5 years. I gave her ultimatums, tried to pull her closer, etc. As you might have guessed that backfired and on April 10, W told me she had seen a lawyer and wanted a divorce.
April 12, she broke down, while I did not yet know about DR or 180's I was trying to detach anyway and followed some of those guidelines.
April 13, she said she wanted to wait on talking to lawyers. April 14, I discovered 180's and am implementing those as best as I can. We are not separated and she is still sharing a bed. I am trying to GAL and always be happy and upbeat around her. We have two young daughters.
Reflecting on a little over a week of this, there has been some positive progress, for example, she's been nicer to me, I've seen a little bit of vulnerability, she wants to do things as a family and she even called me at work on Monday (although she had to leave a voice mail, which I didn't get until Tuesday).
I haven't brought up our relationship or the EA. We chat every morning over coffee usually about our daughter's logistic stuff or what our work day might look like (should I stop doing this?)
Today over coffee, our relationship sort of came up. I suppose I started it, but not intentionally, and not with something controversial, but she took it and ran with it a bit. I tried to just listen and validate. She revealed that she is torn and very stressed out. She's torn because she has shut me out and shutdown in certain ways in our marriage and she's not sure if she can "turn those things back on." I just listened and tried to validate by saying, "this must be really hard on you."
I desperately need help with my next step and how to approach the 180's. I am not saying I love you, there is no physical affection, I am doing my best to GAL (within the confines of parenting two young kids). For me it's been a 180 to be interested in her work-day, so I do listen about that quite a bit, but is that a mistake? Am I giving her too much of myself by doing this?
She has not mentioned anything about reconciliation, nor the OM. All I know at this point is that she doesn't seem convinced that she wants a D.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
When she first dropped bomb we talked about this quite a bit. Since I implemented 180 though we haven't talked about it at all. But, here's my take away from those talks and reading.
There's a lot of resentment built up. Not for any one thing I ever did or didn't do. I would say rather for unmet expectations. This resentment led to lack of (and/or unfulfilling) physical and emotional intimacy. Then, we drifted apart emotionally, etc. So, she's debating whether it's possible to repair things or if she should just start over.
We actually separated once before (5 1/2) years ago and reconciled 2 months after we had physically separated. At that time, I didn't know 180 and basically pushed her out of the house. But, clearly, despite having gone to counseling when we reconciled last time and improving communication, there were unresolved issues that remain.
From 5 love languages, her primary love types are Quality Time and Acts of Service. I would say that I lost site of these and instead of her reminding or asking me about it, she just let resentment build up. Now, for my 180 I've been trying to keep these more of a primary focus, but it does seem at times to be at odds with detaching myself.
When the bomb first dropped we talked about this quite a bit and as you might expect the answers were many and varied. This was before I implemented a 180. It’s also worth noting that we separated for several months 5 ˝ years ago. At that time I did not know about the 180 and I basically pushed her out (which forced a 180) and she came back after being on her own (and sharing placement) for 2 ˝ months.
Anyway, I would say that the reason she interested in D now are similar to before. Her love languages are Quality Time and Acts of Service. I can admit that I lost sight of this. For her part, instead of reminding me that this was important, she let resentment build up. This resentment led to the typical emotional distance and unfulfilling physical intimacy. What she revealed is that she doesn’t know if she can get over the resentment (she says she’s shut part of herself off). Of course when I hear this I try to remind myself of Sandi’s rules “believe none of what she says.” And I just validated for her that this must be really tough on her.
For me a 180 is to spend more quality time with her and show her acts of service. But, by doing this, it seems at times that I am actually doing the negative of a prescribed 180. I.E., in order to show her quality time, I have to spend time with her. Although, I am trying to do this in moderation. I.E., I truly make it about quality instead of quantity and then after some time I excuse myself.
Am I doing this right? What are my next steps? Why did she call me at work on Monday (just to be nice) and then nothing has happened since then?
There's a lot of resentment built up. Not for any one thing I ever did or didn't do. I would say rather for unmet expectations. This resentment led to lack of (and/or unfulfilling) physical and emotional intimacy. Then, we drifted apart emotionally, etc. So, she's debating whether it's possible to repair things or if she should just start over.
We actually separated once before (5 1/2) years ago and reconciled 2 months after we had physically separated. At that time, I didn't know 180 and basically pushed her out of the house. But, clearly, despite having gone to counseling when we reconciled last time and improving communication, there were unresolved issues that remain.
From 5 love languages, her primary love types are Quality Time and Acts of Service. I would say that I lost site of these and instead of her reminding or asking me about it, she just let resentment build up. Now, for my 180 I've been trying to keep these more of a primary focus, but it does seem at times to be at odds with detaching myself.
Hello Badger, as Cadet mentioned, sorry you have to be here but you came to the right place!
Your situation sounds similar to mine. We were separated in 2009 for about 1 month. but W did not file for D and we reconciled. My W let a lot of resentment build up inside of her without letting me know, or maybe I wasn't listening closely enough. Her main issue - I became "smothering." She has MS, was in a terrible car wreck in July 2013, and I got over-protective of her. That's a very quick update on my sitch. I've been posting since Christmas.
My advice is not profound. What I do suggest is taking very seriously any advice you get on this forum. There are so many wonderful, caring people. Also, try to keep a stiff upper lip and live one day at a time because that's all any of us gets.
Between therapy, folks on this forum and truly taking things one day at a time and focusing on making myself a "Better Bob" I have made it thru 6 months of separation and D proceedings. Am I perfectly happpy? No way...but I feel better about myself and also feel stronger than I have in a l-o-n-g time.
I wish you well.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
For me a 180 is to spend more quality time with her and show her acts of service. But, by doing this, it seems at times that I am actually doing the negative of a prescribed 180. I.E., in order to show her quality time, I have to spend time with her. Although, I am trying to do this in moderation. I.E., I truly make it about quality instead of quantity and then after some time I excuse myself.
Am I doing this right? What are my next steps? Why did she call me at work on Monday (just to be nice) and then nothing has happened since then?
My suggestion is to detach, Let GO, you may be past the point that you can fill her needs. She more than likely needs space and giving quality time is going to push her away.
Cadet, I've read nearly all of the links in your first post. Is there one specifically I should focus on?
Does anyone have suggestions how to best detach when living in the same house together with kids? What I've been doing is just going to the health club as much as I can. But that is usually after the kids are in bed. We still have dinner together most nights unless one of us has a meeting.
Should I stop having coffee with her in the morning? Or, alternatively keep that tradition up and just keep the focus on kids only? If I stop having coffee with her, it would be odd because then I would just be sitting at a different table having coffee.
