MY STORY IS UGLY BUT AT LEAST IM LEARNING

[parker7]

Toots:

Thats the plan, real change no matter what. I cannot do this to her, my son, or anyone else ever again. Things are going better than I expected. I know she still is working on moving out ect... but I'm thankful that I can help make the home a safe respectful place while she is still here and treat her well also.

[parker7]

Toots:

In what others ways could I show her me really digging deep and real change? I will continue with the weekly individual counseling, I will continue to be kind and respectful and understanding even when she says she is leaving and filing for D. I see the hurt and pain I caused. I really wish I could repair it but I know I can't go back, I just have to do all that I can moving forward.

[parker7]

W came in room last night to ask more details about a doctors appointment I had earlier in the day, I gave few details except to say they are looking into a few abnormalities but nothing serious.I suppose in this instance I need to communicate more and be less vague so not to worry her. She also sent a late night email saying that she was praying for me and if I needed anything to let her know.
I'm still giving a ton of space, pulling way back. Communication remains civil, pleasant, and respectful.

[parker7]

Came home tonight. W asked nothing about my day. We just shared a few convos about kid care and general stuff. Convo was pleasant.
W went to bed or into room immediately after S did. I've been doing the go straight to the room thing so I guess it was her turn tonight. Not that we stay up together very often like we used to but was hopeful for some general convo. Only been pulling back, giving space, GALing, for 3 weeks so not long. Still working on me each and every day. I give words of affirmation/compliments once a day or every other day. Respect constantly. I follow through with anything she asks me to do or I say I will do for her and the little guy. Anything more?

[Zues126]

In what others ways could I show her me really digging deep and real change?

Have you dug deep and really changed? I know you've done some soul searching but I thought it was clear you had a road ahead of you. So keep digging in, keep changing. You can't show her what you don't do. What breakthroughs have you had in the last few days? What are you doing over the next few days to continue to grow?

I'm glad you're monitoring your interactions, but you really need to make self growth a daily and permanent part of your life. Please share with us how that's going.

[parker7]

Zues:
For starters as I sit here typing this I am reflecting on how alone I feel without any emotional or physical connection from my W in over 4 months. I imagine that my W felt these feelings quite a bit over the years during my A's. This feeling of hurt and loneliness is enough for me to really think about my actions and the consequences they have had and will have in the future if I continue in this pattern.
Also, this week in counseling we indentified my need to stay busy and always be working on something like a project, hobby ect... In the past I have stayed busy chasing other women. This has to change. I need to find a way to channel my energy and time into my son and maybe in the future my W. If I still have free time left over then a productive hobby is a must.
In addition, last week I looked at porn and had few females express intrest. I recognized it as an issue immediately, let my accountability partner and mentor know I was struggling and they provided advice and words of encouragement to help me stand strong. Until Jan 2015 I've never had an accountability partner or mentor. I'm quickly learning that this is one of the many important pieces for me to work on me for the long haul.

[Zues126]

Thanks for sharing.

The good news is that you're learning a few things that DON'T work. Hyper activity in hobbies is a way to escape. As is porn.

So too can be anything outside of ourselves.

I am not saying you shouldn't be a good dad or good partner.

What I'm saying is it would be nice to get to the point where you didn't have to "distract" yourself, or escape the here and now.

Because avoiding, escaping, distracting...that's all about trying to not have to feel how you're feeling.

Porn and other medications are very tempting because like drugs they immediately change the way we feel.

So if you feel bad, you either have to distract or medicate.

The problem with what you're doing right now is that it's not changing the way you feel. You're being a "good boy" by not medicating, good job. You're trying to be a "good boy" and pursue healthier distractions.

But you're doing this with the expectation that if you're a "good boy" it will make you feel better, some way, some how.

But feeling better takes more than the absence of medication and distraction. You have to keep digging to find out why you feel something is wrong in the absence of something else.

And you don't have much time. Because what's going to happen is if you don't change the way you feel deep down you'll get increasingly frustrated that you're "pure" lifestyle isn't working for you, and you'll be in a lot of pain, and you'll be hopeless, and bored, and defeated...and you'll finally figure that hell, you feel terrible anyway, might as well medicate and have a little fun along the way. Maybe you're just incapable of being normal like everyone else. Who cares? This feels good now.

So you're on the right track with your behavior. Now keep going. How do you feel when you're not doing something to keep busy? What's your default state? Why?

Keep posting.

[MrBond]

"last week I looked at porn"

Have you quit porn? Have you ever been diagnosed with a sex addiction?

[parker7]

Mr Bond
Hadn't looked at porn in 4 months, felt it was a contributor to A's though. My therapist says no to the addiction, biological family history of addiction so I've discussed that with him and her multiple times.

[MrBond]

So what made you look at it last week? Was the temptation too great?