Thank you so much for these words of wisdom. It's sooo what I needed.
job, you are so right. THANK YOU!
LoisB..I have stepped away from FB. Thank you!
LouR...Sorry to hear about the alopecia. It's tough. Hair is so defining and you don't realize it til it's gone. I miss my workout ponytail and wearing a baseball cap. I know it'll come back but I just miss it. I do have a prescription to go buy a wig and maybe I'll venture into being a blonde ;-)
As it turns out, I know for sure that she is the opposite of who I am as a person. That's what he wants right now. It just pains me for my children. I need to stop running through the what if's. Thanks for that LouR.
My children are scheduled to see the counselor again this week. Now they look forward to it because they have so much emotional stuff going on that I know they need that outlet. I am thinking of going to the counselor too cuz I don't know what to do with all these emotions either.
Today, my children had their weekend with their dad. He picks them up on Sat and Sun just for the day.I don't put a time limit so it's up to him when to pick them up and drop them off. So far Sunday's are the sticky point because of where he wants to go to church and have the OP around and my children not wanting to go to his church nor be around "her".
So today, he took our children out then there was another scheduling conflict with their games so he had his mom split the time. However, at our younger children's games, "OW" showed up with her daughter and her cheerleading squad and dropped off her youngest son with my husband. That was so off putting for my children.But my children don't say anything.
Then, as my H took our children back to his parent's house (where I think he's still living), our oldest child noticed that his truck wasn't there. To which, OW youngest son replied, "it's at my house."
Our two older children mentioned that H now has a tattoo that matches one that OW has.It's on his wrist under his watch. My oldest child called him out on it and said, you have a tattoo? H seemed embarrassed and said that it's a tattoo that fades cuz according to my H, the tattoo artist said that the ink he used is for people who don't want to fully commit to it or are in a temporary relationship. ???? Okkaaayy??!
Then they all went out to eat dinner (including her child) and child kept asking for money to play video games at this restaurant. My MIL and FIL had joined them for dinner and child asked them over and over for money too. H finally gave him money and some to our children too. Our second oldest child asked why did he give into the child's request. H responded that all her (OW) children are spoiled. So my children noticed that he's doing the same thing.
My children came home a little earlier than I expected and my oldest texted my H to ask what time was he picking them up tomorrow? H replied 9am and for all of them to be dressed extra nice for church plus take casual clothes for later. My oldest texted him back ...we don't want to go to OW's oldest son's first communion, if that's what you're planning. Then H text back..then I'll pick y'all up earlier and drop y'all off at 1p so that y'all don't have to go.
My oldest shared all this with me after everything and I asked each of my children if they wanted to go and they all were upset that he was going to take them to this thing with the OW without asking if they wanted to go.. cuz a few wks ago H said he would give them a choice. So much for that. UGH!! These lies are getting annoying.
He's really trying to push for them to all be together with her and her children sooo badly. So this makes me think that he's probably been dating her since last yr around this time. In essence, to him, it's time they should be around his GF. But to my children, they still feel like he left yesterday, so they really don't want to be rushed into accepting his GF. I just listen to my children. I told them that it's ok with me if they are around OW with their dad but if they don't want to be around her that they can tell their dad how they feel. I know H will be upset cuz he is soo tired of waiting for them to feel comfortable. He just thinks that they are taking so long to accept this. He tells them that he loves and misses them very much and wants them to call him anytime. Which, they don't want to.. He really thinks that because he's "happy" that they should be happy. WEIRD!!! Who is he?
Anyway, thanks again for letting me vent and rant. It's so nice to hear affirming words from y'all.
I will continue to pray for my children. I will continue to pray for my H and this OW that truth be revealed and that the scales be removed from their eyes. Praying for myself for wisdom too.:-)
I pray for all of you too. May God touch each one of you with HIS healing touch and love.
Unfortunately I don't have any pearls of wisdom regarding your children, h and ow relationship - Its going to be hard for you and your children; this is uncharted waters for you all, I think you are negotiating them exceedingly well.
I know only too well how hard it is to hear about all the things your h is doing and who with, its like a twist of a knife in your heart each time. Remember that he is a kid let loose in a candy store, he is eating as many different variety of sweets as possible - but we all know how that ends ....one very sick child ....
Vge, you are one gutsy lady, you are dealing with so much right now, so give yourself a break and allow yourself to feel what you feel and know its OK.
Hugs to you, stay strong and stay positive that you will both find your way through the maze.
VGE - I am going to hop on the bandwagon with Lou and send you healing thoughts. You are being determined and faithful under incredibly difficult circumstances.
Your faith is rock steady and your children see that. You are showing them so much by your actions. I know when you first came to this board you were so scared but know I read your posts and I sense a courage that will help you survive this awful time in your life.
As always keeping you in prayer. Stay strong and know you have so many people interceding on your behalf. {{{hugs}}}
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
I went for chemo last week but my white blood cell count was too low so I skipped. Yay! But I went to today...boo! So far the treatment is okay. I am okay. Praise God! I do get a little tired here and there and don't have many taste buds. No metal tastes, no mouth sores, and no neuropathy...praise God! My oncologists is very happy with my progress.
I met with my atty yesterday. I was soo nervous since I hadn't really met with her since I filed my counter petition last December. I felt I was going to the principal's office. I didn't know what to expect. I was dreading it. So when I showed up, I was nervous and anxious.
She calmed my fears. I know she's on my side and she wanted to know everything about my current health situation. I revealed that it's stage IV cancer. I told her that my H doesn't know it's stage IV cuz I told him it was stage III. She said that he needs to know the truth. So I agreed to that and she would inform his atty who would inform my H. After 3 hrs in her office $$$$, I have a lot to think about. I have to make the morbid plans. I have to plan. It's so scary yet I know very necessary. I have to plan for my children's future in case anything happens to me. I still pray for a miracle. I told her that I didn't want my H to know the real diagnosis cuz I didn't want him to "dance on my grave" and I know that whatever he knows, he tells his parents, who will probably help him fight for custody of our children.
It's come down to that. Once my H found out about the stage IV, he said that he wants our children until "I get better". I replied to my atty that I am very willing and capable of caring for our children. I am NOT dying. I have an excellent oncologist who has given me an excellent prognosis. I will beat this cancer. I will live a long time. My children are my life line. I had also read that it is a bad idea to remove children from a parent while they are fighting a disease because that causes greater anxiety for the children. They want to be there and make sure all is okay.
I especially know this is true when my child, who really doesn't sleep well, keeps checking in on me throughout the night wanting to make sure I'm okay. And when I went out of town to get more medical opinions, my children were so worried. That's why when the same medical treatment was recommended as my local oncologist had recommended, I chose to stay here. That way, I can be present for my children. It helps me heal too. I love waking up and seeing their smiling faces and having great big hugs. They are my life!
So, my H also wrote that I am controlling especially in our finances. I have always done our finances and when a major expense would come up, we'd talk about it. Well, since this separation, there have been two instances that the debit card didn't go through. They both were when my H had to go to the doctor. One time, I told him to try the cc, which worked but this recent time it was a large amount for his optometrist appt and glasses. I knew he was going to go sometime cuz he told me his glasses had broken and he thought he needed a new prescription. I didn't know when he was planning this. So the money was not available on the debit card but it was in our joint bill paying acct. If I had known, I would've transferred the funds for this appt. So he was so upset. As I understand, I would be too. He threatened to cancel the direct deposit of his paycheck and take control of the finances.
I explained to my atty that he has just as much access to our accts as I do. I use the debit card and checks for our bills. His direct deposit comes in and I pay for all the household; food, clothing, shelter. I don't prohibit his spending. Although I did ask him to cut back on the eating out. Just because he left, doesn't create another $1000 for eating out and entertainment. He did adhere to a budget for one month then he started spending more. Sometimes for himself but mostly for the boys. I know he must be making money somewhere else because the children have noticed new clothes and he really hadn't mentioned needing money for himself. He explains that he buys stuff at a thrift store. (with cash from where?? cuz it isn't through the cc or dc)
At the beginning of this drama it was, "you can have everything. I don't need anything." Then it was "I want half" and he came to take more stuff and took half of the items in the garage (2 days before Christmas). Now, it's "I want the kids, I want more stuff, and I want all the money."
On another note, my atty told his atty to prevent that OW and her children from being around my children. Since it hinders the the chemo from working since the children stress, it causes me to stress too. H said that it was just happenstance that the OW children and OW were around my children. But will do his best to avoid it. H says that his family is witness that my children and the OW children get along and play and don't show or express discomfort. I said, they don't express it to anyone and want to tell him but then H gets upset and defensive. I know that these two worlds will intertwine eventually but my children really aren't ready for that no matter how much he thinks that they're fine and well adjusted. Why would my children tell his parents how they really feel? His parents will only defend their son and wonder why my children feel different. I know my inlaws and my H.... they think I tell the children how to feel. I DON'T. I just tell them it's okay to feel whatever they're feeling. Feelings aren't right or wrong and they do change. If they feel angry or sad, it's okay just don't hurt yourself or others nor bottle it up. Please either, talk about it with a priest, a counselor, talk to me or a friend. If they feel happy, share it too with everyone. If they're uncomfortable then express it. I don't want them to feel stifled because it will then manifest into other ways.
I pray for their emotional, mental, physical and spiritual well being. I pray God will continue to show them HIS grace and mercy. My poor babies. It's not their fault. They are just trying to cope with everything. It's not resiliency, it's survival!
So much for destressing. I continue to pray for my H. I don't know who he is. I don't wish him harm. I don't want this to get ugly. I want to move on with my life too. I especially need our children to be well, safe, protected and comfortable. Lord help us!
As much as I want this D to be over, I need to heal and all this stuff isn't helping. I cried in the atty's office and said that I don't worry about the cancer. I just keep being pushed and stressed by my H about our children. This D is constantly in my face.
I need a job. I don't want that to be put over me either. It's weird, some people (inlaws and H) say that every wife should work to "help out financially". But yet, some people (inlaws and H) will want a parent to raise the children 100% of the time. So which is it? I stayed home and was raising our children (which we both agreed) and H worked. I think my children have benefited from this arrangement in our family. It's okay to work or not if given choices and opportunities. Now, where do I go? If I work, will my Inlaws and H might use that against me? If I stay home, they are already counting on me not being here. I'm sure they're planning for custody, especially with this new info. If my H has our children would he stop working? or would he leave our children at my in-laws?
UGH!!! UGH!!! UGH!!!
Sorry for this Huge RANT! I don't know whether I want to cry or punch a pillow. I am so disappointed and saddened. I love my children so much. LORD help me!
Thanks for the prayers and thank you so much for this board. Y'all are so wise. Praying for y'all too since I know I'm not the only one dealing with junk.
I understand some of your turmoil. I was getting chemo treatments earlier this year. In the middle of battling my illness (auto-immune disease called Scleroderma) my husband left me. Talk about adding stress to an already stressful situation. My children are my life line as well. I send you my prayers! Take care of yourself!
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
vge, you sound so amazing despite everything you are going through. You are an inspiration. Your children will continue to give you strength as you sill so the same for them.
My xh did the same thing with offering the world and it changed, changed, and changed again. And, my xh came and cleared out the shed, too. First things he took were the tools and things my parents got. I didn't bite. Didn't fall for it, as I see you aren't either. I knew they were replaceable. And he was doing it out of anger. I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of engaging.
He is a big boy and can figure out the account situation. Chances are, he will direct any frustrations towards you, because... well... because its what happens. Projection! But, just know that it has nothing to do with you and don't take any of it personally. I wouldn't even acknowledge it; you have bigger things to focus on. You and your kids.
Keep going, vge. Your attitude, faith, and determination will take you the distance.
I keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong!
Oh Vge, so sorry to hear things are not going so good for you.
I always think how level headed you are, especially with all that you are dealing with, I am in awe of your strength and resilience.
I don't have any great advise or insights for you as my story is a bit different from yours, but I do want you to know that I offer my support to you in any way I can. At the end of the day we are all here because our h/w have unexpectedly walked away from us, leaving us to pick ourselves up, mend our broken hearts and begin moving forwards in the hope one day we will be at peace with ourselves again. We are all in this together.
At some point Vge you are going to have to deal with the prospect of finding a job, but for now concentrate on getting yourself well again and looking after your children, everything will fall into place when it needs to.
I do hope you have a better end to your week. Keep us updated.
I am so very sorry that he's still carrying on the way that he is. However, I am glad that you finally advised your lawyer of the true status of your cancer. She's in your corner and will fight for you the best way that she can. Don't be afraid to share things w/her when you do meet w/her.
As long as you are feeling okay and can take care of your children, then they should stay there w/you. If they aren't w/you, it will create a lot of stress and anxiety for them because they know and love their mom who is having a difficult time.
Your h is always going to find something to complain about because it's the nature of the beast. I know his constant complaining gets to you, but do try to let it go as much as possible. Vge, he could have a pot of gold and he still wouldn't be happy. You could say the sky is blue and he would swear that you are wrong and that it's black. Nothing you say or do at this time will be correct, so you need to let it go. Continue being the wonderful person that you are and let him fester in his sorry little world. He's not happy, but that's not your fault.
They all tell us that we can everything at the beginning, but as time goes by, it's then half and then a third or you'll get nothing. They tell us what we want to hear so that they can escape w/o hearing us beg and/or please. It's their mantra and it changes minute by minute.
As for a job, yes, you do need a job, but w/the chemo, it might be best to wait until you are through the sessions. You don't want to start a job and then have to take a leave of absence because of feeling ill. Your job right now is to take care of YOU. This is the most important fight of your life and your focus and energy has to be on taking care of you.
Vge, God has a way of taking care of things. He may not always give you what you want, but he does provide you w/what you need. Right now, your need is to focus on you and your children. Allow your lawyer to fight for you and to heck w/your h and his selfish self.
Sending you lots of love and positive thoughts today.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You mention the oncologist says your prognosis is good. What does the oncologist suggest, besides the chemo? I'm thinking your doc hasn't suggested getting a job :-)
Praying hard for you and your kids.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
