Nole_Girl (1) Intro

[NoleGrl]

What do you want to do?
And Why?

I want to because I don't want him to think I am being a jerk, just didn't know if i should.

Toots, I did respond. I just said it went really good.

[Bob723]

Hello NoleGrl,

I I have just read your entire situation. My heart truly goes out to you! From what I've read you are handling things as best you can and are probably stronger than you think.

I was blindsided by my wife walking out on me while I was out of town to visit my son and then she filed for divorce the very next day. So I understand feeling blindsided. I have recently moved my thread from the walk away spouse forum to this forum. I found out I was on the one for the spouses that walk out. Oops!

Just last night I went out and had dinner with a guy I met at a divorce support group I'm going to. I feel like you where I want to get on with my life but I still do have feelings for my wife. My friend thinks she took advantage of me (She has MS) and is very selfish for running out the way she did.

The reason I am mentioning all of this is just last night my friend got me to see that I truly may be better off without her. I still haven't totally given up hope and I've come off the ledge I hope you're not on the ledge if so please step back.

I'm not sure if I making any sense or helping but you might want to look at my situation just the last few days. I got some good advice from people on the board here and I spoke to my wife Thursday and made a big mistake asking her about coming home for a few days.

Please hang in there. You are in a very rough place to be right now. I went through a divorce back in 1999 and never thought I would remarry and I was just so devastated, but time did heal my wounds.

Please by all means take care of yourself first.

Regards,

Bob

[NoleGrl]

Thank you Bob.

Not too much has gone on the past week. After the short text exchange on Saturday regarding my race, I didn't hear from him again until Monday. He texted me about some house business and I asked how his race on Sunday went. He then asked me more questions about my race which I politely responded to. Then nothing for the rest of the week. This is the first time since this whole thing started that he hasn't reached out for some reason or another. I know that one interaction doesn't make or break a sitch, but it sure seems like our talk on Thursday changed everything. He did text on Sunday to ask what kind of sheets I buy, and that was it.

We went from him questioning the shirt, questioning what I was up to during the weekends and getting mad about me taking down the pictures to no contact for a week. Can they really just fall out of love with us and not even care to talk to us anymore?

For those of you that don't have kids, do you still have interaction with your was? Now that certain business is taken care of (taxes, insurance, etc.) and we are not doing weekly dinners, I feel like there is no chance to show change. Especially if we are not initiating contact and the was doesn't make any contact with us.

[NoleGrl]

I really hate this emotional roller coaster. Some days I feel more detached than others. Sometimes I can go for a while without thinking about him, and sometimes he is all I can think about. Sometimes I feel like I can be happy without him and sometimes I feel like I am going to cry at the drop of a hat. I know I am not alone and we all go through this, but it doesn't make it easier.

I have been checking out his social media this past week and noticed that he has not been posting as much as he normally does. I know that it doesn't mean anything, but I think it is interesting.

[Zues126]

Nole, thanks for posting again. I am really sorry you're having a tough time. Yes, we have some clue how you feel but you're right, it doesn't change how devastating it feels.

I DO have children with WAW and can't comment on that piece. What I will say is what I tell my sales people: Focus on RESULTS you CAN'T control and you will feel terrified and helpless. Focus on BEHAVIOR you CAN control and you will start to feel confident and strong.

Things you can't control: What your WAS is thinking, whether he notices your changes, whether he is having 2nd thoughts, etc.

Things you CAN control: What you're doing for personal growth, your 180s, your GAL activities, your self care.

It's totally normal and ok to spend a little time wondering about WAS. You need to go through that for a bit so your mind can calm down and see it doesn't help you much. But when you feel too much pain, please go back to yourself, and taking care of yourself. You don't deserve to hurt.

So- my challenge to you would be to reread your last two posts and see how much of that you can control. Now make another post and talk about what you're doing this week that you can. I can't promise you'll feel better (because you can't control feelings directly ) but you will have done what you could!

Take care and keep posting!

[Zues126]

I reread the last couple of pages. This along with many other posts I've read this week has inspired me to write the following sentence:

*********The biggest threat to the LBS's growth is the WAS's behavior.**********

See, the WAS acts like a brat. Yes, your H is living the single lifestyle. He is treating you poorly. He broke his vows. He may have some commitment issues, or not be mature, or chew with his mouth open.

He's giving you plenty of opportunity to take your eyes off of your behavior.

And if you do you'll feel...what? Vindicated? Righteous? Empowered ("I deserve better!" is something I see a lot from LBSs on this board)?

Well, you can do that if it makes you feel better. But by going down that road you won't grow.

So which do you want? To be right? Or to grow and have a shot at your M back? And actually a better M with a man that mysteriously acts like a better H in a healthier R?

If you want to be a victim we can give you sympathy, but we can't give you your H back. I'd really like to see you make the decision to let your H go and focus on your own growth. How much do you feel you've changed from your first post until now?

[Pyrite]

its odd how the "I deserve better" mentality is seen as the strong, healthy attitude to adopt.

NG - I can see how having no kids would make it tough for future contact once the dust settles, but honestly, I envy you. I love my W, and dearly want her back but I think I would gladly give that all up to NOT have my girls going through this and "coping" with it for the rest of their lives. And this is aside from bearing the guilt that I am the one who could have avoided all of this IF only I had learnt what I am poised to now.

[MrBond]

Forgive me if I missed it, but did you ever read DB or DR?

[NoleGrl]

So- my challenge to you would be to reread your last two posts and see how much of that you can control. Now make another post and talk about what you're doing this week that you can. I can't promise you'll feel better (because you can't control feelings directly ) but you will have done what you could!

Things I can control this week: keeping up with my exercise schedule, not checking his FB and instagram, try to keep a positive attitude, remember that God has a plan, having a great girls weekend in Nashville. I am very excited for my GALing this weekend. I am meeting 5 of my college friends for a girls weekend. Really need to get away and not think about this for a little bit.

[NoleGrl]

Yes, I do get focused on H's behavior....and it's not so I can feel empowered or righteous its because it's really hard to look at this person you think you know and you've pledged your life to and wonder who the heck they are.

Sometimes I don't get it right, but I'm doing the best I can in a sh**ty situation. I read every book I can get my hands on, done some self reflection and positive thinking studies, trying to regain my independence and go out with friends more.