Trying to Follow DB & DR (2)

[MrBond]

If you have that many questions on what to do, your best bet would be to not be there when she comes over.

[Miman2]

We talked. She said she wished I would've talked to her sooner.

[Mozza]

Can't wait to have more details. Sometimes, they just want to be reassured that you're still Plan B. I keep repeating it to me, so that I don't blurt out to WW that I still want her back. Also, it's part of the script to say "I was coming back but now you've ruined it!" They know it's the most hurtful thing they can tell us. I've seen it a few times around these boards already. Anyway, report!

[Miman2]

This one's going to be a long one... buckle up.

When she got there she didn't let her self in.
She later said she thought that would've been rude.
She buzzed the building door and knocked on the front door.
I opened it and she said "Hi, were you busy?"
I told her not really and went back to working on my computer and new laptop.

She stopped to pet one cat and then asked if she could use the bathroom.
I said sure.
After she got out she stood at the door of the office, where I was setting up my new laptop.
She stood there for a second like she was expecting me to say something.
I told her the second cat was behind me and she went and pet that one for a while.
She asked about the new laptop and I told her a little about it.

She asked if she could take a sewing machine I got for her a while back.
She had never even taken it out of the box amazon shipped it in. I asked her if she planned on doing much sewing and she said she had "lots of free time". I told her sure and she opened the closet it was in. She mentioned that she noticed that I cleaned up the closet and she was surprised that her stuff wasn't scattered all about. I asked her why would it be. She said she didn't know.

After that she went and packed up some clothes and shoes. It took ALL my self control to not be in there keeping an eye on her. She started piling items in the living room. I asked her if she took all the luggage with her and she said no. That the others should still be around. She then asked if she could take the movies she had before we got together with her.

This is when I lost my patience.

I told her no. She looked at me incredulously and reiterated that she intended to take the ones she owned before we even met. Again I told her no, because she left them behind. That she's the one who left and didn't bother with any thing when she did. I told her besides, what are you going to watch them on?

I asked her about some video games that I noticed missing. Asking why she would take them when she has nothing to play them on. She said she took them over to the OC's house so she could play with their kids. I replied with a question of how she's enjoying being a step-mom, she said she wasn't, then I asked "second mom?", she ignored that. I told her if she really wanted to take some movies she should but there were some I wanted to watch. She told me those were mine anyway. She started packing them before stopping and putting them back saying something about "yeah what am I even going to watch these on".

She mentioned a painting she won at a work function "with her own money" that she wanted to take and proceeded back to the bedroom to take it down from over my bed. I reminded her it was her work who bought the ticket for her and everyone in attendance that evening. She said I didn't even like it, I told her I did. I reminded her that she took two empty frames (that were a gift from the OC to us) and asked her were my frame was. She said they were hers, I told her then she could fill those with her own artwork. She put the painting she took down back.

Walking back to the living room I asked if she really needed to take the sewing machine. She decided against it.

The next part is a bit of a blur.
I should've written it down before I went to bed last night.
Some how we got to talking.
She noticed that I had lost more weight.
I told her yeah I've been working on myself.
She asked like what, what was I doing. She asked if I was going to therapy.
I said yes. She asked what I was working on in therapy, if I was working on my anger issues. I said yes. She asked what else. I told her codependency. She stated it was easy to work on that without her around. I told her not really because the IC didn't see it that way. She pegged him as a psychoanalyst (like I mentioned she's in the biz).

I told her that I'm not angry at her or anyone, that I forgive her and hope she can forgive me. She said she didn't even know what I meant by forgiveness. I told her the religious sense of the word. Where not only have I forgiven, I've wiped the slate clean and have forgotten anything has even happened.

She then mentioned she thought I was still angry, because I didn't want her taking certain stuff. I told her I was not angry but upset and confused. I was confused because she took stuff that I gave to her and didn't understand why she did if she was so angry and hated me. She said she didn't hate me. I told her if she really wanted to take stuff she could.

At one point she said that she hoped we could be friends, I told her I didn't want to be her friend. She laughed and said I was friends with my other ex-girlfriends. I told her I wanted to be her husband. She said that I still was, that she hadn't filed yet. I told her I noticed. She asked how I would feel if she did file. I told her I wouldn't like it but I would be okay in the end.

We talked more but eventually she asked if I could help her out to her car with the stuff so I did. By the car she was asking again why I haven't been talking to her. I told her it was because this is what she wanted. She wanted me out and wanted space so that's what I was giving her. I told her that I wanted to invite her over for dinner but I didn't want to invade her space. She told me I could call her, I told her when I was doing that she would ignore my calls and texts. She mentioned she hadn't eaten dinner yet, I told her she could come in and have some food. I mentioned there was food I didn't want and she could have. She asked if she could have a wine opener. I told her sure.

We went back into the apartment and I was handing her food, she was claiming things around the kitchen. The rice cooker I gave her as a gift one of the first Christmases we were together. A food processor her mom reluctantly gave her. She kept mentioning that I didn't want to give her the things but I told her she could but it still just puzzled me how could she want things that reminded her of me if she hated me.

She said she didn't hate me, that we were friends. That she loved me once but not anymore. She mentioned that she was still concerned for me and that she worried about me. She said she still wished I had a great future. But it couldn't be with her.

I told her I understood how she could feel that way. I told her I know she's still hurt and angry and can't forgive me. I told her that for a long time we weren't communicating together. I told her that NOW I finally understood what she was trying to say to me for a long time. (She made some remark about that being sad.)

I told her that we weren't speaking each other's love languages. I mentioned what they were and she asked what I thought hers was. I told her and she said I was right, and she guessed mine. She then said that meant we weren't meant for each other. I told her finding someone who spoke your love language and who you were compatible with was going to be hard, that you needed to learn to speak the other person's love language. I told her for years we had been speaking our own love language to the other person but neither of us heard it. It was a huge miscommunication. She seemed to agree.

At one point I think I asked her if I could at least know where her apartment was. She changed the subject. I told her I was worried about her safety. I reminded her that I had offered her this apartment and that I was going to pay my half of the rent if she had stayed there. She said she didn't feel safe there because I was so mad. She mentioned that when she left the called a friend of hers and that friend didn't even seem to care that she didn't have a place to stay. Only asking "do you have a place to stay" the W said "I guess I'll stay at a hotel" and her friend replied with "ah okay" instead of offering her a place to stay.

Some of this next part might be a little out of order...

Eventually we took the second trip back out to the car. But it was odd, she was talking about work. Like how we used to before the BD. I was being really supportive. She gave me some extra cloth bags to carry groceries. I think I asked her if she wanted to have lunch still, she said yeah to just call her. I told her I couldn't do that because she's the one who ignored my calls before. She threw out a day and I said I couldn't that day. She said she wanted me to make a day because the last time she tried to ask me to dinner I was busy.

I told her yeah I need some advance notice. That I'm out doing things for myself, I told her I was auditioning for a improv comedy troupe the weekend. She was excited about that. She asked me if I was seeing anyone again. I told her no. She asked what I was doing that Wednesday then asking if I was out playing Magic the gathering or D&D. I told her no. She seemed doubtful. I told her it was a board game night.

As she got into her car I asked her what she wanted me to do. She said she didn't know. I asked if she wanted me to file, she asked "why because it costs a lot of money?". I said no and quoted the amount I knew. She started saying she looked into it and couldn't afford the money to have the uncontested paperwork drawn up. I told her I don't think I could do an uncontested divorce.

She brought up the fact that I said I would be okay if she filed. I said emotionally yes I would be okay after the fact, but I would contest it. She mentioned we'd need lawyers and I said yeah we would. She said she couldn't afford a lawyer. I shrugged. She said something along the lines of "something else to put on the credit card."

I brought up the fact that I knew she was buying the OC stuff, she denied it. I told her the "we both know you're lying, please stop." She claimed she "didn't remember buying them anything" and asked why was I looking at her credit card. I told her I couldn't even if I wanted to but she's going around saying she has no money but she spending money on them. She insisted she wasn't.

I told her how as the "new me" I intend to take what she says at face value. That I'm not going to lie to her and I didn't want her to lie to me. That when she told me last time that we could never be together last time my IC mentioned that that would've been really hard for her to say and I had to believe it. I told her (because my IC said I should) that I'm still "100% willing to work on us" she said she wished I would've said all of this long ago. She said we could have dinner and that she would call me to set up a day. I asked her to text me when she got home so I know she's safe. She said okay.

She did. I told her thanks for texting and have a good night. She replied with "Good night!"


Hmm... that most of what I can remember right now. I have to take off for IC now. I'll try to update if I remember anything else.

[MrBond]

You still haven't worked on your control issues have you?

"I told her no. She looked at me incredulously and reiterated that she intended to take the ones she owned before we even met. Again I told her no, because she left them behind. That she's the one who left and didn't bother with any thing when she did. I told her besides, what are you going to watch them on? "

Things like this was absolutely childish. If they were hers, they're hers. You really have no right to ask how she was going to view them. You don't own her. She's not a slave or a child that needs to seek your approval.

This is what got you here in the first place and it seems like that problem isn't going away in you.

[Miman2]

This is when I lost my patience.

I told her no. She looked at me incredulously and reiterated that she intended to take the ones she owned before we even met. Again I told her no, because she left them behind. That she's the one who left and didn't bother with any thing when she did. I told her besides, what are you going to watch them on?

But wait! There's more!!!!

I told her if she really wanted to take some movies she should but there were some I wanted to watch. She told me those were mine anyway. She started packing them before stopping and putting them back saying something about "yeah what am I even going to watch these on".

I admit I was (initially) controlling.
I wasn't going to allow myself to be walked all over by having her come in and take whatever she wanted. A stance needed to be made and that's where I had to start to draw a line.

In the end she did wind up taking several things that I would've liked to keep for myself.

In the end I didn't look out for my own needs first.
Not for the sake of not being controlling, but because in a relationship that's what you do.
You give what you can, when you can.

I didn't need to offer her the food I was just going to wind up throwing away. But I knew she needed it more than I did and so I did.

No mention of that though, huh?

[Miman2]

Silly edit times...

This is what I wanted to say...

I admit I was (initially) controlling.

What else am I supposed to do?
Allow myself to be walked all over by having her come in and take whatever she wanted when she's the one who left!!!!

She's lied and hid things she's taken from the house AND she's taken some of them over to the OCs house!!!!!!!!

Am I supposed to become some victim?

Roll over and say "sure honey take what ever the fcuk you want and give it all to fcukhed1 and fcukhed2 because I can't stop you from doing and taking things in the house that you left behind and I'm now responsible for."

She abandoned ship!!!
She had every chance to take what she wanted when she first left!!!

A stance needed to be made and that is just where I happen to start to draw a line. Maybe it's not the best of places but it's a start.

I don't appreciate you calling it childish either...

Childish is walking away from a situation without talking about it or working it out.

In the end she did wind up taking several things that I would've liked to keep for myself.

In the end I didn't look out for my own needs first.
Not for the sake of not being controlling, but because in a relationship that's what you do.
You give what you can, when you can.

I didn't need to offer her the food I was just going to wind up throwing away.
She sounded like she needed it more than I did.
So I did offer it to her and she gladly took it.

Funny how there's no mention of any of that though, huh?

I guess all things considered if the only thing I did wrong was (initially) be hesitant when she wanted to take some DVDs then I was doing okay.

[MrBond]

"I wasn't going to allow myself to be walked all over by having her come in and take whatever she wanted. A stance needed to be made and that's where I had to start to draw a line."

She wanted to take things that were hers and you didn't let her. How is that drawing a line? It makes you come off as petty.

"In the end she did wind up taking several things that I would've liked to keep for myself."

But you "allowed" her to take them. Still control.

"In the end I didn't look out for my own needs first.
Not for the sake of not being controlling, but because in a relationship that's what you do.
You give what you can, when you can."

Not sure where you showed that.

"I didn't need to offer her the food I was just going to wind up throwing away. But I knew she needed it more than I did and so I did. "
No mention of that though, huh?"

So you're saying that you should be commended for "offering" her your rubbish, is that correct? You were going to throw it away any way (nice adding that in BTW) and you consider that a nice gesture?

[zew]

No mention of that though, huh?

It isn't the "nice" gestures that are going to get you to D. It's the controlling ones.
They don't cancel each other out.

[Drew]

So you're saying that you should be commended for "offering" her your rubbish, is that correct? You were going to throw it away any way (nice adding that in BTW) and you consider that a nice gesture?

Exactly how I read it also.

Very condescending, in my opinion.