No truer words have ever been spoken. I think you handled things perfectly. You kept on topic and didn't allow her to bait you into an argument. Way to stand tall my man!
And thanks for answering my question. I asked because it sounded like you were getting stronger, and I feel I am, too. But as you wrote, "I still have my weak moments of course."
That's what is happening with me, as well.
Keep moving forward.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Have you ever or do you now have access to that account???
Is this one of those situations where your money is our money but her money has always been HER money???
I'm also wondering why she voluntarily signed paperwork to remove her name from joint accounts but now complains about not having access to them and wants to refer to the as OUR accounts???
Maybe you should open a separate account. A NEW account that your future paychecks will go into and MOST of all the savings would go into...then you can give her the password to the old joint account she likes to call OUR account to allow her to pay some MARITAL bills with it while NOT handing her the keys to all your money (todays $ and future $).
By the way, until you are SERVED with a divorce petition there is no rule against you spending whatever family or marital money you want on whatever you want.
Withdraw some cash and buy some new clothes, stock up your pantry and freezer with some staple foods and non-perishable items and maybe even buy a few gift cards, ostensibly to give away as gifts later on to other people.
You have changed the locks to the house??? On that line of thinking, you could pay a contractor friend or relative some cash in advance to get a couple projects done around the house.
If you divorce, you'd only have to split the marital assets that remain. Once the divorce is filed, the petition will include standing orders that neither party is to dissipate or waste the marital estate. Until then either one of you can do whatever you want with your money.
Your wife has likely had a big head start on setting herself up nicely with "OUR JOINT" money and now she wants to split the remaining money 50/50. You should look things over a bit and consider some quick small defensible actions that could balance the scales a bit if you can.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
No truer words have ever been spoken. I think you handled things perfectly. You kept on topic and didn't allow her to bait you into an argument. Way to stand tall my man!
And thanks for answering my question. I asked because it sounded like you were getting stronger, and I feel I am, too. But as you wrote, "I still have my weak moments of course."
That's what is happening with me, as well.
Keep moving forward.
Bob
Bob, thanks again for the encouragement! It really helps! After last night, it's hard to be hopeful for any reconciliation.
Originally Posted By: Georgia Bulldogs
Where are her checks from the hospital deposited?
Have you ever or do you now have access to that account???
Is this one of those situations where your money is our money but her money has always been HER money???
I'm also wondering why she voluntarily signed paperwork to remove her name from joint accounts but now complains about not having access to them and wants to refer to the as OUR accounts???
Maybe you should open a separate account. A NEW account that your future paychecks will go into and MOST of all the savings would go into...then you can give her the password to the old joint account she likes to call OUR account to allow her to pay some MARITAL bills with it while NOT handing her the keys to all your money (todays $ and future $).
By the way, until you are SERVED with a divorce petition there is no rule against you spending whatever family or marital money you want on whatever you want.
Withdraw some cash and buy some new clothes, stock up your pantry and freezer with some staple foods and non-perishable items and maybe even buy a few gift cards, ostensibly to give away as gifts later on to other people.
You have changed the locks to the house??? On that line of thinking, you could pay a contractor friend or relative some cash in advance to get a couple projects done around the house.
If you divorce, you'd only have to split the marital assets that remain. Once the divorce is filed, the petition will include standing orders that neither party is to dissipate or waste the marital estate. Until then either one of you can do whatever you want with your money.
Your wife has likely had a big head start on setting herself up nicely with "OUR JOINT" money and now she wants to split the remaining money 50/50. You should look things over a bit and consider some quick small defensible actions that could balance the scales a bit if you can.
GB, W's hospital checks are now deposited into her separate account. My checks are deposited into my account. Up until last week, both of our checks were deposited into our joint checking account.
Despite the occasional spew, on the surface W has been fair and helpful with joint finances. However, W's demand for password is a bit suspicious. I do want to be respectful and honorable with everything going forward, even if W's behavior has not been. I have done well to protect my assets from W's knee jerk reactions. W doesn't know account numbers or passwords for the other investments either. If we D, W will get half of the marital assets no matter what. I don't plan on liquidating these.
My L advised me that I couldn't change locks on marital home at this time.
What are everybody's thoughts about dating at this time?
Edit - removed sentence since this is a public forum, it is possible that this information could be used in the future in a way that is not good for you. - Cadet
Last edited by Cadet; 04/27/1505:19 PM. Reason: Edit - for user protection
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Yea, you are not ready to date anyone just yet. It would not be fair to the person you go out with either. Once you truly are detached, once the actions of your W do not influence your behavior or mood, then you can think about dating. It is definitely best to be divorced first. However, if you are in a situation where your D can take a long long time, and you feel you are ready, I personally do not see any harm in it. As long as it is for YOU and not a way to try and win your W back through jealousy. Because that will just backfire in your face.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Yea, you are not ready to date anyone just yet. It would not be fair to the person you go out with either. Once you truly are detached, once the actions of your W do not influence your behavior or mood, then you can think about dating. It is definitely best to be divorced first. However, if you are in a situation where your D can take a long long time, and you feel you are ready, I personally do not see any harm in it. As long as it is for YOU and not a way to try and win your W back through jealousy. Because that will just backfire in your face.
Pilot & Cadet, Yeah, I'm definitely not emotionally ready nor detached yet, which would certainly be unfair to any future partner. So I guess my motivations would be to create a tiny bit of jealousy but it sure would be nice to have some fun too. Just wanted to get some vet perspective on it.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
I guess my perspective is that you don't want her back with a trick, magic button or a pill. You want her back for real. So make the changes for YOU that are attractive and appealing, to make YOU into the person only a FOOL would leave.
Yeah, I'm definitely not emotionally ready nor detached yet, which would certainly be unfair to any future partner. So I guess my motivations would be to create a tiny bit of jealousy but it sure would be nice to have some fun too. Just wanted to get some vet perspective on it.
Agree with Pilot and Old Cadet too.
Would you want your daughter ever going out with a guy in your position and marital status???
You are married until you are not.
Plus your kids are so young. If you eventually end up divorced if you don't hold to your convictions of standing by YOUR vows to your wife (and God) that you will stand with her "in sickness and health in good times and bad" then when the kids are older your then ex-wife can spin your dating others as equivalent to her dating others. If it's wrong for her to do it...it's wrong for you too. Saying she did it first and worst is just another rationalization and justification.
That doesn't mean I can't have some human understanding for the guy in Canada that is completely done with his wayward wife, separated, not speaking to her or seeing her at all but has to wait a year separated before he can even file for divorce. In that case, I would STILL advise against dating and certainly having any sexual relations beyond a simple kiss until the divorce is FINAL but I'd be more understanding.
Another point I'd like to make. You used the phrase "sure would be nice to have some fun too" . "TOO" means also. That's the trap of adultery. Adultery isn't fun. Your wife isn't having fun. She's conflicted. She's lost. She's isolated. She's lost you as a true friend and confidant and stuck with OM as her only friend. He is a lying cheating narcissist. She may be ACTING like she's having the time of her life and has found the fountain of youth (wayward wives tend to regress and behave like the cool mean high school girls) but deep down she is destroying her soul and laying waste to her integrity. A fully repentant wayward spouse will be repulsed by their behavior and the thought of being "fun" at all would sicken them.
The fact you are even entertaining the thoughts of dating enough to ask the question puts you at danger.
Your beliefs become your thoughts, Your thoughts become your words, Your words become your actions, Your actions become your habits, Your habits become your values, Your values become your destiny.
Your children apparently have one parent that seems to NOT value commitments, vows and relationships. Her actions speak to her current values that you are disposable. If you are disposable (her soulmate) whose to say that other people including her children aren't disposable to her as well. I recommend you don't reinforce that and exhibit behavior consistent with that value throughout this ordeal you find yourself in. You may also want to consider that your wife, if you divorce, is likely to bring a parade of boyfriends and maybe even a step father or two into your children's lives reinforcing her value that HER happiness is paramount to theirs (the kids). To counter that your children could really use a parent who makes them the focal part of their lives. If you wait until the kids are teenagers to really date anyone seriously enough to bring them around your kids that may really drive home that counterpoint. Kids become adults someday and will then have the freedom of choice as to which parent they care to include in their lives or not. Making them priority number one through these years while your wife makes herself number one could be make all the difference. If and when you do remarry, you'll have to make your new wife number one (as she should be AND as a model to your children of an appropriate marital relationship) if you can wait until the kids are old enough to be begging you to find someone, then all the better, in my opinion.
Last point. I also felt the urge to punish my wife by finding someone else "better" than my wife and quickly. I fear that had we divorced I probably would have followed the typical script of angry divorced guy out there dating hard, sleeping around WAY too much (having FUN too, not! Desperate divorced guys are so cliche) and trying to lock down and marry the youngest prettiest girl I could find to show my wife it was HER that made our marriage and our relationship so hard and difficult and not me. It's the quickest way to divorce number two out there. Stand up, classy women of value DO NOT date married men. Your hurting betrayed husband of two young children schtick only works on the weakest of weak desperate women willing to throw away their integrity for a soft devastated seemingly family man who's best quality is that he needs a woman to help him with his cute kids AND he's already committed to marriage with an ill-suited woman once so he'll probably do it again.
Short little rant, huh?
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
I guess my perspective is that you don't want her back with a trick, magic button or a pill. You want her back for real. So make the changes for YOU that are attractive and appealing, to make YOU into the person only a FOOL would leave.
Then no matter what happens you will be OK!
Cadet, exactly right. It's all about the changes that are best for me no matter what. I need to always make sure to keep my motivations in check.
Originally Posted By: Georgia Bulldogs
Originally Posted By: Defacto
Yeah, I'm definitely not emotionally ready nor detached yet, which would certainly be unfair to any future partner. So I guess my motivations would be to create a tiny bit of jealousy but it sure would be nice to have some fun too. Just wanted to get some vet perspective on it.
Agree with Pilot and Old Cadet too.
Would you want your daughter ever going out with a guy in your position and marital status???
You are married until you are not.
Plus your kids are so young. If you eventually end up divorced if you don't hold to your convictions of standing by YOUR vows to your wife (and God) that you will stand with her "in sickness and health in good times and bad" then when the kids are older your then ex-wife can spin your dating others as equivalent to her dating others. If it's wrong for her to do it...it's wrong for you too. Saying she did it first and worst is just another rationalization and justification.
That doesn't mean I can't have some human understanding for the guy in Canada that is completely done with his wayward wife, separated, not speaking to her or seeing her at all but has to wait a year separated before he can even file for divorce. In that case, I would STILL advise against dating and certainly having any sexual relations beyond a simple kiss until the divorce is FINAL but I'd be more understanding.
Another point I'd like to make. You used the phrase "sure would be nice to have some fun too" . "TOO" means also. That's the trap of adultery. Adultery isn't fun. Your wife isn't having fun. She's conflicted. She's lost. She's isolated. She's lost you as a true friend and confidant and stuck with OM as her only friend. He is a lying cheating narcissist. She may be ACTING like she's having the time of her life and has found the fountain of youth (wayward wives tend to regress and behave like the cool mean high school girls) but deep down she is destroying her soul and laying waste to her integrity. A fully repentant wayward spouse will be repulsed by their behavior and the thought of being "fun" at all would sicken them.
The fact you are even entertaining the thoughts of dating enough to ask the question puts you at danger.
Your beliefs become your thoughts, Your thoughts become your words, Your words become your actions, Your actions become your habits, Your habits become your values, Your values become your destiny.
Your children apparently have one parent that seems to NOT value commitments, vows and relationships. Her actions speak to her current values that you are disposable. If you are disposable (her soulmate) whose to say that other people including her children aren't disposable to her as well. I recommend you don't reinforce that and exhibit behavior consistent with that value throughout this ordeal you find yourself in. You may also want to consider that your wife, if you divorce, is likely to bring a parade of boyfriends and maybe even a step father or two into your children's lives reinforcing her value that HER happiness is paramount to theirs (the kids). To counter that your children could really use a parent who makes them the focal part of their lives. If you wait until the kids are teenagers to really date anyone seriously enough to bring them around your kids that may really drive home that counterpoint. Kids become adults someday and will then have the freedom of choice as to which parent they care to include in their lives or not. Making them priority number one through these years while your wife makes herself number one could be make all the difference. If and when you do remarry, you'll have to make your new wife number one (as she should be AND as a model to your children of an appropriate marital relationship) if you can wait until the kids are old enough to be begging you to find someone, then all the better, in my opinion.
Last point. I also felt the urge to punish my wife by finding someone else "better" than my wife and quickly. I fear that had we divorced I probably would have followed the typical script of angry divorced guy out there dating hard, sleeping around WAY too much (having FUN too, not! Desperate divorced guys are so cliche) and trying to lock down and marry the youngest prettiest girl I could find to show my wife it was HER that made our marriage and our relationship so hard and difficult and not me. It's the quickest way to divorce number two out there. Stand up, classy women of value DO NOT date married men. Your hurting betrayed husband of two young children schtick only works on the weakest of weak desperate women willing to throw away their integrity for a soft devastated seemingly family man who's best quality is that he needs a woman to help him with his cute kids AND he's already committed to marriage with an ill-suited woman once so he'll probably do it again.
Short little rant, huh?
GB, awesome stuff! Thanks for taking the time to respond in such detail. I agree with you on all points. Well put, my friend. That's the beauty of this community: One can post all their ill advised ramblings and get the wisdom one so dearly needs before it's too late.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Journaling: Had a busy but productive day at work. Jogged and exercised a bit after work. Fixed the kids and I dinner. Then W calls and says that she's running late and will have her parents drop off kids at my house. No worries, I take it all in stride.
Later, W calls around her normal time to talk with D4. I'm cordial on the phone, ask W how work is, and wish W a good, safe night at work. W says many times during phone call how much she misses D4.
Then, a few minutes ago, W texts me this: I don't like this but I live in fear of you. I don't know what you will do to me and it really scares me.
Huh? I don't know how or if I should even respond to this. W has no reason to fear me physically so she must be referring to financially. Dunno. W might even be trying to bait me. Completely lost with this one...
Help?
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
