Lost & confused

[Clairee]

We had our 3rd MC session yesterday. Counselor had us talk about good memories we had about things we had done together. It was really good bringing some of those memories into the present. So many we hadn't thought about in years. Things are progressing. Slowly but steadily. H emailed me from work today, he signed us up for a marriage retreat later in the month. Total surprise! I've brought these retreats up in the past only to be shot down as them being stupid or silly. So for him to sign us up is really a big deal. It's a 3 day overnight retreat & the dates couldn't be more perfect. Our kids will be on another island with their grandma the same weekend.

I'm finally feeling confidence about our future. The memories of A are still there but not as strong or as frequent. My anxiety is a lot less & I don't have the urges to snoop anymore. H is being completely transparent. If his phone beeps for anything, he's offering up the info before I can even ask. When he's typing on his phone or computer, he's telling me what's being said & with whom. He doesn't delete his history unless I'm sitting there with him & he scrolls through it to show me. All of this unprompted.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried about him leaving again. I'm trying to work through that. And I plan to bring it up during MC.

Rainy day, a tropical storm is moving in so its getting icky. Hopefully it brings some cooler weather.

Have a great day everyone!

[Clairee]

Well the week turned out busier than I planned. I've been knee deep in paperwork for the state setting up a new non profit. D12 surprised me with extra hula classes this week that she was told about last week, but forgot to tell me until it was 15 minutes before class time...very typical.

I will have a house full of people for the weekend doing some training sessions they need to complete. It should be fun. The training is straightforward, just time consuming. But I love this group of people & we always have such a good time together. I expect it to be a lot of fun.

I have my birthday looming next week & everyone is up to something. H, the kids & my Mom have had their heads together far too much lately. So I know they're planning something. I am just hoping it isn't another Mr Potato Head incident. They did that to me several years ago. I was out of town for my birthday at a conference. I got paged to the registration desk. When I got there, this guy is dressed in a Mr Potato Head costume doing some song & dance routine in front of about 200 people. Needless to say, that was the talk all night at the cocktail reception.

[Clairee]

One minute you think you're doing good & the next something triggers a memory. That happened to me today. So had a group of people at the house for training. Mid way through all of a sudden I find myself thinking about OW. The training was on loyalty, trust, & integrity. I kept thinking this scuzzy knew we were married. She had the nerve to call me sister while stabbing me in the back. And now I'm dealing with the fallout of her damsel in distress theater performance. Oh she's a piece of work. One of those miss goody two shoes, sticky sweet, let's be bff ------! Then played the I know what it's like to be away from the ones you love so if you ever need a friend, I'm here card. Followed by the my BF isn't being nice to me boo-hoo whoa is me card. Followed by the you're such a great friend & wonderful person & just so happy you're in my life card: To the I can't help myself I love you BS. Then clingy, needy, I'll wait for you crap. Which of course completely throws me because H hates needy, clingy, dependent women. Always has comments about those kind of women & how unattractive that is: But I've said it before, H suffers from DIDS...damsel in distress syndrome. He just can't stand to see a child or woman upset. H finally admitted it wasn't love of any kind but he felt sorry for her & wanted to help & got caught up in it & before he knew it, he was saying whatever he thought she wanted to hear & didn't think about how it would impact me at all. JERK! That's all I can say here with the censors...LOL

I am not quite fresking out, but definitely stressed over him going back to Cali in a couple of months. I wish there were magic words to make that anxiety go away. Honestly, I don't know what H could say to make that less. He has sworn he won't do it again, swears he will leave if she shows up anywhere, swears he wants only me & that when we're good it never crosses his mind to stray. But I guess I want more than promises or sworn devotions. I want guarantees. But realistically, can he really guarantee that? Can anyone? If so, what is the guarantee? It is if XYZ happens, I guarantee to do this or that? I don't know if he can give me more than his promise he will stay faithful, monogamous & true to me. His actions when he's there will have to match those words, but then how can I see actions from 2000 miles away? H says if he finds himself in a bad place, he'll leave or call me right then.

It's a head meet wall proceed in banging night. I've tried picturing stop signs, tried reading, tried listening to a book on audible, tried meditating & finally came here to unload it hoping that frees my mind.. I do feel better getting this off my chest. These forums have been my lifeline through all of this: I don't know what I would've done had I not stumbled on to them. Advice is welcome & 2*4s if needed.

Tomorrow will be better. It has to be.

[tkdmme]

Clairee,

I don't have advice. I do know how it feels. I wish something could tame this lump from my throat. I've tried everything. Going out, staying away from her, spending more time with the kids. Nothing seems to ease the pain. Like most of us on this Forum I have good days and bad. The mornings Seem to be the worst. I can't go back to sleep lime I used to. There is not OK or A that I know of but I don't think it wuld matter anyway. Once you w or have has said I don't love you anymore it takes hour breath. This is the person I always counted on and now that's gone. I'm praying constantly.
You are right about this forum . It has helped me as well. Keep your head up.

Ps. I have those dreams too. It's aweful

[Clairee]

Thanks TKD for stopping by. The last 10 months have been the hardest in my life that I can remember. Given how broken we were, maybe this was inevitable. Most days OW doesn't even cross my mind, most days the BD & the pain I felt doesn't either. But then something triggers a memory & I get bulldozed with emotions. It's happening less & less, but when it does I realize how much hurt I still have to heal.

We had a good weekend. I can't say great because Saturday started with a memorial service for a friends Dad who passed a couple of weeks ago. It was a beautiful service, but I detest funerals. After we went to celebrate another friends birthday. That was quite a good time: When we first got there our friends fiancé introduced me to another friend & proceeded on this long declaration of how great of a couple H & I were & how she hopes she & her stbH are even half what we are. I chuckled to myself & thought boy if you only knew what these past 6 months have been like. I of course didn't say any of that, just thanked her & said marriage is work, it isn't all rainbows & unicorns.

Yesterday was quiet. Some computer work to get done & the never ending laundry. Today, doc appointments all morning then some shopping. Friends coming over later tonight. Tomorrow hopefully the AC man is on time, I am dying without the AC working!

[Clairee]

Guess I should mention GAL activities...

School is back in session for the kids so I'm helping in their classrooms twice a week, volunteered for the PTO at both schools, organizing a fundraiser for a local charity, start a new workout schedule at a new gym this week(training at a UFC gym with one of their female competitors...very excited to start!!), lunch with gf's whenever our schedules match, Monet & Merlot every Thursday night, sailing lessons every Saturday morning, sunrise yoga on the beach every Sunday.

[Clairee]

Had another MC session today. Talked about boundaries. It was really good. It took awhile, but with some therapist help H was finally able to fully understand my boundaries & what they really mean to me.

I think we've been fired by our MC though. At the end of the session he said he wished he could record us for his other couples. That we were truly a great couple & should never consider splitting up again. That what we have & how we are together is really amazing & we should hold on to it because we'll never find it again anywhere. He almost made me cry! H agreed with him & said he'd never do anything so stupid again that could cause me to leave him.

We still have so much work to do & while the MC might have fired us, we'll still be seeing him once a month instead of weekly. I'm still cautious, but hopeful. With my IC's help I've been able to let go of so much & move forward. And I'm working on my trust for H. He is trying hard to show me everyday I can trust him & that he knows the value of my trust & that doing anything to damage it again would never be repairable. So I'm giving him opportunities to show me. The big test will be when he leaves in October. I am making the choice to trust. I'm not entirely stupid, I've told him I am making this choice, but that doesn't mean blindly trusting. I will from time to time look at things. But honestly, I've not felt any inkling of suspicion & H has not been guarded about anything.

Baby steps. It's still too new to say we've made it to the other side of this black hole. But I can finally see light again. But we'll always be working on us, it will never be perfect. But it can be perfect for us. And that right now is what I hold on to.

Much love everyone!

[hopeOK]

Can you elaborate on your boundaries?

That is great that you guys got such great feedback from your counselor and that he is moving you to just once a month. Also really great that you are having less anxiety & the urge to snoop is gone. I think it must help a lot that he is so forthcoming with what he is doing on his phone. I wish my H would start doing that whenever he is typing on his phone or whenever he gets a message. I am normally sitting right there next to him & can glance over & see but I feel bad for looking (not sure why) & it would be so better if he would just say what he was doing. He has a few times... but not every time. It is such a touchy subject for us (him having felt in the past like he was walking on egg shells & me continually holding the affair over his head) that now I'm a bit gun shy.

So happy for all your progress!

[Clairee]

Hi Hope.

My H was the same way about his phone. We was secretive, never let it out of his sight & it was always dinging. Once he said the words he wanted to work on us, the 1st thing I said was he had to be fully transparent with his actions. That meant the phone, computer, everything. I explained what transparency meant to me. It meant no pass codes on the phone, passwords for all his email, Facebook, etc. it meant I could look at anything & everything whenever I felt I needed to. It meant no deleting anything unless I was sitting next to him until I decided I didn't need that anymore. It meant if he was talking to someone, he needed to tell me who. None of this was because I'm his mother, but because this is a very delicate time & I needed him to show me his actions matched his words.

Our boundaries now aren't necessarily about making me feel comfortable, but more about building the moot as our MC said. Our M is our castle & we have to build defenses around it to safeguard it from outside forces that would mean it harm. Our MC is a big Game of Thrones fan....lol So our boundaries are fairly simple really & they go both ways. My H doesn't give his number out to people who don't necessarily need it. H agrees that talking, texting or any kind of communication with another woman daily shouldn't happen. Same goes for me & other men(had never happened, but boundaries are equal). When we are talking to other people, we don't let them in the M. We don't talk about our problems, complaints or whatever with just anyone. If H is talking to another woman, not only does he tell me, but he pays closer attention to what is being said. If she starts leaning on him, talking about her problems, whoa is me crap, he ends it. At anytime if either of us are uncomfortable with who the other is conversing, we talk about it & if we can't reach a mutual agreement, then we end it. We both have to be comfortable with who the other is interacting with. They're really geared more towards H since he was the one who did these things not me. H told the MC that he didn't really need to ask for boundaries because my self-imposed boundaries were more strict than what he would ask of me. Then we have the common sense boundaries, no contact with OW period. Since there is a chance it could happen when he goes back to Cali, H said if she is at any event he is at, he will leave. There is also a chance OW could be in Las Vegas when we both go for s conference. H was very clear he wouldn't put me in a room with her unless it was a really big & he wouldn't stay in a room with her without me. She told a good mutual friend she was scared of me, so I'm really not too concerned, but boundaries need to be there just in case.

I don't snoop anymore. But I do still pay the bills & see the phone bill once a month. I was very honest with H that I wouldn't snoop, that I expected him to tell me, but that I may or may not look through the phone bill on occasion when paying it. H understands that I'm taking a risk trusting him. He knows this is a high value action & had to be met with the utmost integrity.

It's all baby steps & I still practice DB but on a different level now. This changed me. DB changed me. Things can't be the same as before, not just because it didn't work, but because I will never be that person again. It takes time though & both have to be committed to doing whatever it takes to make it work.

[hopeOK]

Thank you for that info. We had all those extra special boundaries (phone unlock password, fb access, email access, etc) before we fell out... but now I just have phone & email access. So I guess I just don't have all the fb access unless I look on his phone which I have done. I know we have some conversations we need to have about all the other boundaries but I am working on me first so that I do not blow those conversations.