Lost & confused

[Clairee]

Waking up this morning I realized I need to detach more. Since we had decided to work on things, I had become far too available for him whenever he wanted to talk. As much as I stay busy with the kids, I've stopped doing a lot of the things I enjoyed so I could be there to talk to him. It's time to take a step back & refocus on me. Today is my D12's graduation from 6th grade & the last day of school. So today, I'm going to go to her graduation & after school is out take them all to the beach for a late afternoon celebration of summer break. I have a lot of work to do in the house I've been putting off. That's going to be my project for the rest of the week. I want to reorganize the closets, cabinets & garage(H's domain & it drives me batty how a mess it is). And I'm going to just keep telling myself 'GAL Tweets' until Tweets has a life!

[Sotto]

Hi Tweets, I'm sorry all of that happened, and I think you are right to detach more and focus on things you enjoy. It's always worth buying some space and time to think, particularly if you feel angry about something. One of the big things I have learned is - if in doubt - do nothing.

That said, it's a shame that your H just didn't tell you straight away, particularly after agreeing to a full plan with you. However, I don't think it's ever going to be plain sailing in these early days, and whilst seeing OW brother wasn't ideal, at least it wasn't seeing OW herself.

I think you have a good way forward already, and I would just keep moving forward, maintain a degree of detachment and remain open to reconciliation for now. You can always review your position if you feel uncomfortable.

Good luck with things :-)

[Clairee]

Hi Toots! Thanks for stopping by & checking on me. Hope you're doing well & having a good day.

I do need more detachment. When I'm not, I feel like he is getting too comfortable in things & doesn't need to keep working. And I start to ignore or overlook things. If we're going to make this work, neither of those things can keep happening.

In more positive news, my baby graduated on to middle school today. I can't believe that tiny little thing I almost lost during delivery has grown up so fast. It seems like yesterday looking at her laying in NICU so tiny, but so perfect. Time slips away too fast. It won't be long till all of them are grown & on their own. It really puts into perspective just how fast time can get away from us & what a gift it really is.

Focus on today, tomorrow isn't promised. Make the most of every minute & be thankful for everything you have.

[twinmom]

How are you...... thinking about you a lot lately. Hoping you are having positive days.

[Clairee]

Aloha Twin!

Thanks for stopping by. Hope all is well with you.

Things have been busy around here. I'm downsizing every room in the house. The storage room under the stairs in completely cleared out. I am so happy to have my front guest room back. It's as put together as I can get it right now. I'm looking for a sleeper sofa or futon to go in there for guests. Right now it has a twin bed & that won't cut it for a couple. The office is set back up & I finally feel like things are coming together. I start working on the garage tomorrow. Now that's going to be a lot of work.

Nothing really new on the R front. H comes home in 2 weeks. He's been gone almost 9 months now. I'm nervous, anxious, excited overall a ball of nerves. So I'm just keeping busy.

On the GAL road, I'm not a craft person. I never have been. It takes so much patience & I have so little. That being said, I signed up for a beginners pottery class. Eck! All my girlfriends are getting a big laugh about this, they know just how craft oriented I am...LOL I also signed up for surf lessons. D12 has been begging me to do it with her, so I broke down & signed up. Another Eck!

It's been really nice the kids being out of school. They sleep in, so I get my quiet mornings for a little while. And my girls have been helpful with cleaning out rooms & closets. S17 just stays out of the way. He says I'm a crazed lunatic when I'm in cleaning mode & it's scare him his room might be next. I love that kid but he's such a goof!

Starting next Tuesday the movie theater is having $1 movie mornings. All animated movies for kids. So the girls & I have a breakfast date.

So that's about it for tonight. Going to relax on the lanai with some coffee & a book.

[Clairee]

New developments.

So H came home yesterday. It was overwhelming & it was hard to deal with everything I was feeling. Today things were much better until I checked his laptop & found out he had created a new email & was chatting with another woman. I'm stunned. Maybe I shouldn't be. But it really caught me off guard. I don't even know what my next step is. I feel like it's April all over again & all the hurt, disappointed & everything else is back again.

[Clairee]

To add insult to injury, he said he loves her because she listens to him & she was plan b. If this didn't work, he had someone else. He decided he deserves to be happy, not that I ever suggested otherwise. He's been talking to her for about 3 weeks. How do you love someone after only emailing 3 weeks?!?! I'm angry. I'm hurt. Right now is when I could use some wisdom from you guys. I don't know what do to. We're in the car on the way to dinner with friends & all I want to do is throw him out & cry.

[Sotto]

Tweets, I am so sorry to hear that. I can't imagine how rough that must feel (well, actually I can unfortunately )

So, it sounds as though - even though your H made promises, he is wayward just now. His focus is 'out there' rather than on rebuilding your M. He is looking for green grass and affirmation from other women.

I know what you are saying about the I love you. My H and OW exchanged ILYs within a couple of weeks - all swept away with the high emotion. You just have to remember that two broken people will do dysfunctional things.

I think your focus needs to be on self-protection, self-preservation and boundaries.

From your perspective, are you willing to remain in the R whilst he emails other women and tells them 'ILY...and you are my plan B??" (what 'plan' does that make you and your M??) Do you plan to confront him about this?

I"m so sorry things are so rough, and I think you need some vet advice....bat call to vets for Tweets!!

Take care xx

[Clairee]

I confronted him. That's when he told me they were his plan b. He said he didn't believe I could be different & that things could change. I told him how can he say that when he didn't even give me the chance to try. He just got home yesterday! He's been 2600 miles away. How from 2600 miles was I suppose to show him anything?! I told him if he has come home & 6 months from now nothing had changed, I could understand this happening. But he hadn't even gotten home!! It was literally the weekend after I left visiting him he started talking to her. Her boyfriend is a friend of his for goodness sake! I am so at a loss.

[Clairee]

One thing that bothers me, he says...even now after me finding this & all his excuses, he wants the M to work & doesn't want a divorce. But he doesn't believe things will change?! He said he loves me, doesn't love her like he loves me. And if I could change no one would ever take my place. But he did this BEFORE even getting home for us to try!! He called her on speaker to tell her not to contact him anymore that he was focusing on his family & he was wrong to do this to his family. That came after I gave him an ultimatum, it was me or her, it was either zero contact or there was not even a step forward. So why say all that he said about loving me, not wanting a divorce & making that phone call, then say he doesn't think I'll change? Ugh!