Ripken - Trying LRT and going dark. Now what?

[Ripken8]

Sunday we watched movies with our sons and throughout the movie she got texts from people. Now at 9pm on a Sunday she tells me she's meeting a friend for drinks and will be gone for a little while. Didn't even say bye. I suggested staying home and watching a show and looking back I'm sure she took that as pursuing and why she felt she had to leave. So not sure what to do. Is anybody there to help?

[pilot]

Yea, she prob did take that as pursuing. As you saw, if she wants to leave, she is going to leave. Nothing you can say will get her to change her mind.

What is it you are looking for help with?

[Ripken8]

Not sure what people's thoughts were based on the tax refund and our conversation. Now the next day she needs to go out for drinks at 9pm on a Sunday. She's running and I can't help but want to pursue. It's hard to stay upbeat and not take it personally. How will/can that trust ever come back?

[Joe46]

Let her go! I know it is hard. Read the links on here about detaching. Read other peoples situations. Read Divorce Remedy. Watch a good movie. Do anything to get your mind of her and on to YOU.

[Ripken8]

So u seem to understand because u are living together and in separate rooms. How do I go dark and lrt while still in the same house. Also I do gal by working out 5 times a week but our gym is in our house so I don't leave then. I've read dr which is what drew me to the forums. I'll try reading the detachment thread again but it didn't seem to help me in how to let go with being here the entire time. Especially as she stayed out until 2am on a Sunday when she gets up at 5am. Out of character for her.

[Sotto]

Hi Ripken, have another read of those sections of the books if you're unsure....But as I see it 'dark' is about not seeking interaction at all when you are at home. Living your life like a flatmate, where you don't have much to do with your other flatmate. Making your own plans. But in a pleasant, breezy and busy day.

I agree that being there the whole time may not help you let go. Have a think about your GAL. Working out is great - but why not drop a couple of nights and make plans to get out of the house. The best GAL is the kind that 'stretches' you - involves new people and activites. That really starts to put your focus elsewhere and helps with the letting go.

Now, I say that this GAL is mainly for you, which is true. But it's no bad thing to give her a bit of a 'jolt' too. Now she's thinking - "Oh Ripken just works out in the gym every night...he's predictable." So, become a little unpredictable....head out for the evening with plans! But the important thing is those plans are mainly for you - what she notices is just a side effect - and you're not doing it for the effect on her.

Did you have interests before your R that you 'let go' and would like to take up again? If you and she were never to reconcile, what new things would you like to be doing. Do them now!

Just on the coming back late thing. It has clearly bothered you. Starsky often posts about stuff like this.....along the lines of - if it's after midnight, the door will be locked and the alarm set and don't bother coming home. I'm not a vet, and please don't do this based on my advice, but it's something to explore.

Now, let's hear about these GAL plans you are going to make....

[Ripken8]

Toots - thanks so much for the response (and everyone else) I appreciate the support. I've read a lot of ur posts, ur great. I'll continue the going dark and really watch any interaction so I'm not pursuing. As far as the gal, that's where it gets tricky. Most of my friends have moved to other parts of the country and the two that are here have young children so don't get out. I've thought about going to the casino for fun and watching some of the nba games at a bar but that's not something I can or should keep doing all the time. Aside from that I'm kinda stuck as far as what to do to gal. Also she's gone sometimes 4 nights a week. I'm worried if I go 3 nights what affect that has on our sons if there not any night or significantly fewer nights when we're both in the same house at the same time

[Sotto]

Why not just start with one night and it needn't be something with friends - it could be a way of making new friends. Maybe have a look at what your local leisure centre, library, community college or volunteer centre has to offer.

People also seem to find meetups.com pretty helpful.

You could also maybe have a look at GAL activities that involve your kids in some way?

It'll help - truly it's worth extending yourself a bit on this one my friend...

Thanks for thinking I'm great BTW

[Joe46]

Rip, it is not very easy detaching while spouse is still living in the house. But others have pointed out that they think it is harder being physically separated. For me, I struggled with this alot. Sandi started a thread called For The Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife. Read through both threads. It will answer alot of your questions. Toots also gave you some great ideas in the GAL department. I also struggled with this. Most of my time is at work or taking care of my kids. I started finding new and fun things to do with the kids. We live in a small town. Not much to do. I take them to the movie every other weekend. At night when they are in bed, I exercise and than read the self help books suggested by others on here. I post on here when I struggle. And when I am doing okay. Even when I did not get replies, I used this place as a journal. The biggest thing is do whatever you need to get the focus off HER and onto YOU. Start by going one hour at a time. Than one day at a time. Find little things that make you happy.

I avoided alot of contact with my WW in the beginning. I struggled between just ignoring her and being friendly. It takes time. The biggest thing was learning to STFU and just do my own thing. Even when I wanted to say something about how she was acting or what she was doing, I didn't. You need to do this for YOU! But you will be surprised by the little 180's that get noticed. I started doing things for myself and one day W blew up and asked why I was doing all these things I never did before. My reply was, " because I want to and I am moving on with my life with you or without you".

[Ripken8]

I read Sandis posts on wayward wife. I'm not positive my wife is having an affair. Yes she left Sunday night at 9 and came back at 2am after getting texts. But when I asked her a couple months ago she said she was just friends and if there was anyone she wanted to date she would tell me before doing anything. Also when I talked with her about hiding money she could have brought up it was over she was seeing someone or wants to move out and she never did. Not sure if the wayward wife tactics work if she's not having and affair. Does that make sense? Any other suggestions? Looking into meetups or things to do this week. Booked skydiving on saturday