Thank you Sandi. I understand that a clear boundary is not about control, but about protecting my values. I believe that it is too late to define boundaries regarding my W allowing OM to be around my son (as well as being unenforceable), and it is also too late to define and enforce the boundary of kicking W out as a result of disrespecting our home by using it as a haven for communicating with OM when she is here. The consequence would end up being stated and enforced at the same time the boundary statement is made. That is not fair.
I do believe that I am justified in defining and enforcing the boundary that I will know who is coming into my home on move-out day. I do not let strangers into my home without meeting them first. I do this for the protection of my property, and my family. It is not about control. It is about protecting a safe place for may family to live, and being the master of my domain.
Me: 30, W: 29 S: 4 T: 14 M: 5 BD: March, 2015, ILYBNILWY, IDLY, Need Space OM, EA/PA Discovered (drunken kissing, she says she stopped there? NOPE!): March 2015 S: April 25th, 2015
I have a right to know who will be entering my home on move-out day. I have a right to meet all strangers to me who will be entering my home for any purpose. Because I have these rights, I will be present on move-out day.
Me: 30, W: 29 S: 4 T: 14 M: 5 BD: March, 2015, ILYBNILWY, IDLY, Need Space OM, EA/PA Discovered (drunken kissing, she says she stopped there? NOPE!): March 2015 S: April 25th, 2015
"I do believe that I am justified in defining and enforcing the boundary that I will know who is coming into my home on move-out day. I do not let strangers into my home without meeting them first. I do this for the protection of my property, and my family. It is not about control. It is about protecting a safe place for may family to live, and being the master of my domain"
I'm not sure that defining and enforcing this boundary is justifiable. If you are still living in the home and your W moves in with OM, what can you do to protect your boundary and yourself? Ask him or her to move out - or failing all else - move out yourself.
On move out day, I presume you have moved out - and are no longer master of this domain. So, what can you do if OM moves in? You have moved out already. There is the financial aspect of course - and I'm not sure what arrangements will be in place. There has been some input on Rubicon's thread in this area if that helps. For example, if you moved out on Tuesday and OM moved in on Thursday, and you had agreed to pay all bills, it seems reasonable to reduce your payment as there will be a new person in the home. But of course, with a child involved, you would take care that they are not disadvantaged. It's more about not funding her wayward lifestyle.
Equally, if you had specific and valid concerns about the suitability of OM to be around your child, there would be steps you could consider taking.
But, without reading back through your sitch, it does sound as though it is hard for you to accept that OM may move in and that is something you can't control in the circumstances IMHO.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
We are currently living in the same home. She is moving out at the end of the week, and has previously requested that I not be there when she does. I initially had concerns with that request, but could not find the right words at the time.
Me: 30, W: 29 S: 4 T: 14 M: 5 BD: March, 2015, ILYBNILWY, IDLY, Need Space OM, EA/PA Discovered (drunken kissing, she says she stopped there? NOPE!): March 2015 S: April 25th, 2015
My take on it. First, it is not too late to define boundaries regarding who is around your kids. They are your kids and you absolutely have a say so as to who is around them. Often times in divorces there are 'no sleep over rules' worked in. In other words, a parent cannot have a sleep over with a member of the opposite sex while the kids are around. Whether or not that is court mandated or mutually agreed upon I cannot say. But it is a sound rule because it reduces confusion amongst the kids.
Second, it is your home. You absolutely have a right to decide who goes in. I would not let OM into my home while I was away so my W could move out. Why expose yourself to some other guy going through your stuff? It may be her home as well, but that does not mean you do not have rights as well. Will it make things rocky if you object to him being in your home? Sure. Will it inconvenience her if she has to find someone else to help her move? Probably. But this guy has already taken enough from you, why give him access to your home and children?
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
In fact, why not have a get together at your house with you and your buddies on move out day? Have a bbq or something. Hell throw a party. Let her feel the shame of what she is doing in front of others. Be doing something fun with your friends and absolutely no helping.
Then again, I am over my W so dont know if that is exactly keeping a smooth path home. Haha
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Pilot, your 2nd post made me LOL. I don't think I would go that far. Don't get me wrong, the idea is definitely entertaining to the devil on my shoulder, so to speak.
I will try to find the right words to express to her regarding other men around my son.
I believe I have the wording right for the move-out statement.
Me: 30, W: 29 S: 4 T: 14 M: 5 BD: March, 2015, ILYBNILWY, IDLY, Need Space OM, EA/PA Discovered (drunken kissing, she says she stopped there? NOPE!): March 2015 S: April 25th, 2015
Going to take the motorcycle out for a spin, maybe stop at a park and read for a bit. The bike always clears my head and brings me some peace, if only for a short time.
Me: 30, W: 29 S: 4 T: 14 M: 5 BD: March, 2015, ILYBNILWY, IDLY, Need Space OM, EA/PA Discovered (drunken kissing, she says she stopped there? NOPE!): March 2015 S: April 25th, 2015
Sorry I misunderstood - I should have read futher back before responding. I'm no vet, but my view is -
"I'll be in that day and am happy to help you move stuff if you want help. If you don't want help, I'll keep out of your way. I do not want OM in my house, and if you had planned on his help to move your stuff, you will need to change that plan."
I think that's a reasonable stance....for sure I wouldn't want OW polluting my home..
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
W and S came home at about 9pm last night. They went to a zoo for the day (not the local one, a nicer one about 2 hours away). S was asleep, and W carried him up to bed.
She was tired, so I did not bring up move-out day. I may bring it up this evening, after going to the gym for a bit.
Lately, when she leaves for work in the morning, she has been saying, "See you later". My response has been, "Have a good day at work!". I will miss even this meaningless light exchange after she moves out.
I am happy to have my S for the first week after move-out. We will be doing a charity walk with my stepbrother and his wife and kids on Sunday, and maybe go to a baseball game on Saturday evening. Maybe even a walk in the park, or to a playground. One thing is for certain, we will have fun!
I am finally going to schedule a couple of consultations with lawyers this week. I am aware of most of my rights (W does not seem to be, but that's her problem), but believe I should get clarification on a few things. I am going to seek family-oriented legal advice rather than straight-up divorce advice.
Me: 30, W: 29 S: 4 T: 14 M: 5 BD: March, 2015, ILYBNILWY, IDLY, Need Space OM, EA/PA Discovered (drunken kissing, she says she stopped there? NOPE!): March 2015 S: April 25th, 2015
