TLEE86. Part III

[TLEE86]

Mozza, GG, C, Pink and V- I am so thankful for your guys comments. I know I am horrible at responding, but trust me when I say I read them consistently and they mean alot to me. I am as usual (probably more than ever) in need of some advice.

-V- BTW, she deleted that FB picture, but im still pissed. But...whoosah.
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Long story short, my W agreed to come home. HOWEVER

1. She is not committing to the M
2. I am not really sure why she is coming (She goes back and forth between saying things like "one part of me says that the M's that last are those that dont quit." "another part says you left for a reason and those reasons are still there")
3. She is REALLY ANGRY right now. I DONT KNOW WHY. We had a REALLY GOOD weekend together. Now all of a sudden its like she just left, day 1 of BD all over again.
4. Shes talking about D again???
5. She has said, that she is scared and nervous because she knows that I want to get back together. So she says its alot of pressure to be moving back in, especially "knowing what I want- ie her to stay"
6. ...WTF?

Now I've told her if shes coming here to D me, then dont come. We will just do it over mail and phone. And she says she doesnt know. But she is REALLY ANGRY. Its been 1 week since Ive seen her, and we left on a really positive note. But now shes just pissed.

I dont know what to do. We have a 4 day drive together, starting Saturday. We are not talking until Saturday. Oh BTW, no offense to all you lovely ladies out there (but its her time of the month right now) so that is also...gonna be awesome. I told her to maybe use the next couple days and ask herself why all of a sudden she is so pissed when we were more than fine last weekend.

1. I dont know how to act when shes here, or when we drive
2. I know "friendly neighbor" and I thought treat it like an in house-separation, but do I really want to leave her alone to her thoughts and go out "hanging out" with friends when she just sits here and knows no one?
3. WHY IS SHE SO ANGRY ALL OF A SUDDEN? Maybe because I forced her to make a decision?
4. I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO...

I need to reread the 37 rules. And follow them. All over again. So here i go. rereading now. Breathe Tim..breathe.

[Zelda09]

TLEE - your # 1-6 is EXACTLY how my H acted the day I picked up from airport on my turn around thread. All over the place. Like a cornered animal, snarling, whining, pacing (verbally), and licking my hand in the space of 1-2 days.

Now, if you want to believe my H is a good man who tried and that hadn't been a big act - you started following me when I was compassionate rock mindset and look, his ring was on in a week.

If you want to also draw the parallel that he came home before he was deep down ready, out of duty guilt or other motives, you know the rest of the story.

I wonder sometimes if I'd just continued acting strong while he 'was teething' if things would have been ok. I would say just think about it. But back off and remain detached and your best TLEE for a long time when she returns and don't let yourself get jerked around or too hopeful. There's possibility in your sitch, but you are aware the ultimatum has been the driving factor here. Be kind to you and her.

[Vanilla]

If W is uncommitted then Tlee you can decide to put your foot down about the OM, WW has to say goodbye completely totally and unequivocally. Expect box of frog behaviour but insist.

I am glad the pic came down from FB, quite rightly so.

WW is angry because she is, for any good reason including the fact she had a hang nail. TLee we need a little of the tough but fair love. Pleasant but straight.

Be your new improved TLee, act as if you are your own hero. You can introduce WW but not do the running for her. it is up to her. If she acts out then look at her "really?"

Actually I like the fact she says she is scared and nervous, it's probably the unvarnished truth. But her issue to handle not yours.

Let her get on with it. Be civil, ordinary and no mind reading.

If we were able to do outside links then I would link you to Shut up and drive. Get a great playlist for your car journey.

V

[TLEE86]

Z- I just reread that thread of yours- YEA i can see the similarities. Its interesting that you say you compare it to "teething." I do see alot of similarities in there actions/words. Bottom line, they're not ready to come home

V- Its weird to say this, but I'm not entirely convinced OM is really OM. I think he is an opportunity and a safe place for her to go to because she doesnt want to go home. I think she has feelings for him, but as far as a relationship, i don't know whats really there. If this were to continue, obviously things would probably progress, but I'm starting to believe W when she says there not really doing anything. Idk why. Weird.
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I am seriously considering telling W NOT to come. Heres why.

1. I was making serious progress with her as far as communication, what we talk about, and how she acts when she saw me. She actually said this past weekend, for the first time, i am thinking about if we could reconnect or not, but idk. She was going to decide ON HER OWN, before I left GA to come back to TX on the 25th.

2. I got angry when I saw the FB profile picture of her and OM son. REALLY angry. I gave her an ultimatum. W is CLEARLY not ready.

3. W feels pushed into a corner (i hate to say it, but rightfully so) and is doing something she has said time and time again she is not ready for.

Now she's pissed off like crazy and were not talking until we see each other Saturday to start our drive. I remember what its like after BD when she was prepping to move out when we still lived together- NOT fun. Idk if it will be like that al over again.

Do I tell her Im sorry for rushing her, pushing her into a decision she's not ready for, and tell her its ok, don't come?

Or do i just let it happen, and work through it as best as possible?

Its REALLY hard for me to tell her no. But IDK....

[Pink17]

Hi adorable T,

What did she like on you when you guys first met? Is that possible that without words she can see that T again?

No pressure, no pressure and no pressure. If at any moment you feel it will be in that direction, go away, do something else, go somewhere and breath. The worse that can happen is to put pressure that everything needs to be resolved in a day or two. It will take time and patience. If there is pressure, she will run.

Don't try to hug and kiss her if the door is closed. I know you are very thirsty but hold your horses until you see that door open to you.

Be gentle but do not kiss her feet. Be patient but don't take crap. Be understanding but not an idiot. I hope you get what I mean. Be a man, but not a "macho".

And please, please, please, be very careful about your anger issues. She will push your bottoms, she will maybe say something that will hurt you, she will explore your life while away from her, she will reject you... be prepared for the worse and if it does not happen, then better.

Why is she mad? You won't be able to know until she tells you, not because you will be asking and discussing her issues, but because there will be a time when she will feel safe to say it to you.

She is still very confused, hurt (her reasons), something happen in her life and you don't know exactly what it is. So give her time and space until she will be ready to open up to you.

There is the other side that is "shame"... she may never say this to you, but maybe deep inside she feels the shame of leaving, needing your help all the time and now coming back with her tail between her legs.

Don't be the super guy with the answers for everything, the "I know I am right guy" She does not need this right now. Just be a simple human being, that care for her.

You have a lot of hope, but you also have a lot of work since she is not taking a decision because she wants more then anything else in her life. There are so much more then you may not know. Her family, some friends, this OM... every word that people said to her may be playing in her mind over and over.

I would say, have a room for her to put her stuff, sleep alone, give her some space to approach you. Don't force anything, let it happen.

About the driving for so long together. You can make it a hell or you can make it fantastic and enjoyable for both of you. Great idea from V, have a good music selection, some that she may like too. You are a faithful man, there are some great Christian music with great words, strong stuff in it, meaningful.

Look at the whole map and try to set up some stops that will bring joy for you two. When you pick her up, don't give her presents. Give her one rose with "You are beautiful". This may break some of her "Madness".

If she is in those days, make sure you stop in a lot of rest areas. Be a gentleman.

I am sure you will do well. Our adorable T, young and fresh have been learning a lot. Don't panic, believe in yourself. Believe in your changes, believe you are a man of valor.

Good luck!

XOXO
Pink

[Zelda09]

Telling her to come or don't come - two sides of same coin. Just ride this one out I think and let it be what it will, let her drive. Your action is done, on the past. Some may say it's appropriate to let her know you pushed and she can waffle - but then you're waffling. Stand and let her do her.

Otherwise you're trying to control, out of fear?

[Mozza]

If I knew more what I'm talking about, I would tell you to cancel this. She's not ready to come back. She puts too many conditions while she should be begging you. She has no sense of loss and she knows you want to R. She needs to feel the loss. It seems it's a risk you're not ready to take, but big rewards come from big risks.

[MCS]

TLEE,

Out of my element on this (wait I consider myself in an element for other things? I digress)

Anyway, I think you said what you said. There's a reason for it. Short of it is she still made a 'choice' maybe under some distress, but that's in the past.

Remember how tough it was when she was waffling back and forth? Don't do that to her.

You know where she stands, she's not ready yet. She hasn't done the work she needs to do....but now you know that unlike before during our BD's. With you or away, she still needs to do that work. As 25years says, a WAW will NEVER go back to the marriage they left; it has to be different.

Give her space, gauge how honest to be; you may even want to let her know that you understand she needs space; but have someone else chime in on that.

Good Luck, Tim. I'll be praying for you and your W.

[Vanilla]

TLee

Let me refer to OM as POM (potential OM). You may read in my sitch that my H is looking for POWs. There was one or two, I do not know if there was ever an A either EA or PA. In one case the POW ended up being a CF (casual friend) of mine. Actual that does not matter, H was involved looking for a POW not in his M.

On other threads you may read that WWs are infatuated with an OP but the OP is not of themselves interested in an A (MCS WW may be like that). The fact is that they are not invested in their M and Wayward within all definitions. Ironically no A.

So I believe you need to be behaving as if there was a full on A, even if this is a PEA (potential emotional affair). Your W is Wayward, she is a WW because she is seeking an EA/PA not because she is actively in one and treat her as if she were a WW.

If that is the case then firmness from you and strength is needed. Soft soap won't work, considering her feelings etc. it is a cut it out sitch. There was a poster here called Rzrback who ceased posting as his daughter discovered the site and his journey with his wife was struggling to piece back together. His WW struggled to give up her emotional attachment. Jims wife tried a couple of OMs for suitability before one reacted and attached.

The fact there is a POM is important, even if that POM is disinterested, it's a sign that a WW is facing out from her M not in towards it. Sandis thread on waywardness applies to this too. Your W is not a WAW leaving because of you and your behaviour, so if you turn yourself into a man only a fool would leave that is likely to reverse that (see Edz thread). Your W is acting wayward which is an extra dynamic.

She may have fallen for a dream POM who will never match up and perhaps not even want an A. It is WW feelings here that are important. W is not only a WAW but a WW one, even though not yet in a full on PA.

If you are pulling your WW back in because you want to be with your WW and your M, then take the journey. If you are only half committed to it then let WW go.

Take a tough love approach to attract WW and be insistent no POM. is the WAW trying to escape her M because of her treatment or is she a WW trying to move on to an OM or POM? If the later then eventually of course a scuzzy will be found, it's transitional for the WW. This is my H with his stream of POWs.

Know that your WW will want to hang on to her dream of POM, may maintain contact, may none the less wherever she goes seek out a new POM unless you are clear and strong.

Keep that thought and discuss your decision. Do you have an IC, this is an area where an on the ground IC may be helpful.

V

[Vanilla]

How goes this?

V