New to this. Need support. Separated.

[PureHrt]

You are right. I am trying to bolster myself to be prepared to say no. My deepest fear is that he will never try again. That I will never have that with my H again. It sounds weak and pathetic I know but it is how I feel.

[PureHrt]

His addiction has manifested physically but not as much as online. That said, I really have no idea. I cannot trust him so you are right.

[PureHrt]

Ok soooo, when my H was moving out I specifically asked him not to carry on with people we know. He agreed to this. Said he doesn't want to hurt me and is so sorry. Within two weeks he was texting one of our younger single friends. Horrified she told me. I confronted. Apologies from H. HE focussed on the DRAMA of our friends. I said there wouldn't be any drama if you hadn't texted. It was his action not anyone else's that started it going. Fast forward 2 months and there is one person that we had in our group of friends that lives a very loose lifestyle with her H. More than that she tries to cause problems for other relationships. Tries to get Hs to act in appropriately. Tells lies to make it seem things are going on.

She told a mutual friend that she knew would tell me that she is sexting with my H and they have spent time together. This is problematic outside the obvious because her child is the same activities as mine and so she is in my and my child's circle. We do NOT socialize once we got to really know her. I knew this would happen. I outlined how it would happen to H. He said no way and he wouldn't hurt me like that.

I took the 'rumour' to him. I said I didn't want to assume and that the mature thing to do was simply to ask him. The problem....how do I believe a lier? Which one do you believe right?

I didn't know what to do. I asked whether we should confront her together....he just doesn't want 'drama'. I believe this means there is truth here and that my gut is right.

I have friends saying confront her. I decided not to give her that satisfaction. She wants to cause issues. IF my H was not responding and not in the place he is I would of course call her out but this is different. Ultimately my husband is the one who has betrayed his family. This is now in MY backyard and I didn't go looking. My child has an activity tomorrow and she will be there. I am struggling. This is more than physical betrayal this is a disrespect that just leaves me breathless and humiliated. Despite his initial anger at hearing this rumor and wanting to call her, wanting to know who she told several days have past and I have been told he is still social media friends with her. Speaks volumes.

Boundaries are not easy for me but I am recognizing that I have protected him from his actions for a long time. I am thinking of stating that his actions are now influencing me and his child. Anytime he hurts me he is hurting his child. That I do NOT want my child in the company of this person or her H and family. I also want to state that if he wants to continue to be friends with someone that wants to hurt me and actively seeks to do so then I do not want anything more to do with him.

Thoughts?

[pilot]

What do you hope to accomplish by confronting this woman? Do you think it will bring you closer to your goal of rebuilding a relationship with your H?

I know it is tough and you want answers to everything. This is why detaching is so important. You know your H is having an A. That is all you need to know. Seeking out all the details is going to make your life much more difficult, as well as push your H further away.

People like this other woman are out there, and they are trashy. They thrive off causing trouble for others. Do not let her win by knowing she is getting to you.

[Pyrite]

Sorry about your situation. Really I can only offer support. I am not experienced enough to offer you any advice you should really consider

I am struggling. This is more than physical betrayal this is a disrespect that just leaves me breathless and humiliated.

I know this one all too well. I was just coming to terms with the personal hurt when I was clobbered with this. You just don't treat another human being like this I thought. Let alone the person you love/loved. It made me feel worthless.

i wish i took notes to share about how i got passed this. I do remember that support from friends and family was a big factor. basically "you have every right to feel hurt", his/her actions are disrespectful etc. So, it is humiliating, but humiliating in front of who, if people recognise he is the one out of control and doing stupid things. Maybe your "boundaries" should include that your feeling of self worth are out of reach to his actions.

sounds like you are dealing with a bunch of people you can't control. it sounds like the woman who tries to get between Rs, would lose interest if it was obvious her there was no R to penetrate. ? also sounds like H has a lot to deal with himself to come back down to earth. Take care of you.

[PureHrt]

Hi Pilot. Thanks for your response. I know the best course is not to confront her. Ultimately this is on my H. Plus, I'm not going to acknowledge her. She is a symptom not a cause.

I'm looking for the boundaries I need to set with H. I really struggle in that and am trying to change that.

[PureHrt]

Pyrite your comments are sincere and wise. I know that sitting here but put in a face to face I worry my emotions will take over.

Sometimes I am just simply amazed that I can still love my H.

How do I draw boundaries and not seem reactive?

[MrBond]

"I know this one all too well. I was just coming to terms with the personal hurt when I was clobbered with this. You just don't treat another human being like this I thought. Let alone the person you love/loved. It made me feel worthless."

Of course he didn't mention how he acted towards her which made her feel just as worthless.

Purehrt, can you detail your marital history? All I've seen is you concentrating on your H's infidelity. His addictions are a big thing, but we can't help with that. ONly with what you have control over.

[Pyrite]

Thank-you for clarifying Mr Bond. How and whom does it help exactly?

[MrBond]

"Thank-you for clarifying Mr Bond. How and whom does it help exactly?"

Finish reading the books and you'll see.