Has anyone an idea, why I am sometimes afraid of my w if she becomes angry? Many many men I know, can not stand their angry spouses. Is this normal for a man? And what are the females on this board thinking about it? Have you ever noticed you H or XH being afraid of your anger? And do women really favour men that can make a firm stand in the heat of an argument?
Last edited by koalada; 04/17/1504:48 PM.
Me 46 W 45 S16 D14 S10 M 20 yrs in June T22 12/14 sleeping in different rooms 01/07/15 she said she wants a separation 02/26/15 I moved out
My H definitely claimed to have a problem with my anger, directness, confrontational style. I believe some of this was valid in the sense I was hurling anger at him pre BD.
But in the beginning...idk. I was always calm, rational, quite assertive and he would escalate and blame me for having anger 'seeping' out of me.
I believe - since you asked - people pleasers have a hard time accepting when others aren't pleased with their actions. Some men have trouble standing up for themselves by saying yes, no, or letting it be ok that someone is upset. I believe this is insecurity to be so afraid of another's emotions. Unless your W anger is abusive to you? Shaming, belittling, name calling?
Personally, if there is something I'm upset about, I would like a partner to be able to listen, validate. Offer his thoughts in return for same. How can people be intimate if they are not honest and able o work tgrough real feelings?
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Koa, Unless your W anger is abusive to you? Shaming, belittling, name calling?
No name calling or shaming. I think she tries to be fair. But she can become loud and pushing if she really wants something and does not get it. In our M one of her problems has been, that she has lost every respect for me. She thought of me as a wimp and I guess she was right about it. I avoided conflicts with the landlord, with other parents that have treated our child unfair, with our neighbours...you name it. She needed a man that stood up for her and the family, that took the responsibility for making more money. And that man wasn't me.
Last edited by koalada; 04/17/1505:10 PM.
Me 46 W 45 S16 D14 S10 M 20 yrs in June T22 12/14 sleeping in different rooms 01/07/15 she said she wants a separation 02/26/15 I moved out
The 2nd day with children has been great too. Yesterday: cooking together, watching TV. D14 is a singer songwriter herself, so we are talking about song-writing, guitars and different guitar tunings from time to time.
I have worked on two things regarding DB on this weekend. 1) In DR you can read the advice to bring up a mental stop sign, whenever you think about your spouse. I have swapped the sign with an annoying buzzer sound. I am a more auditive person.
2) Since I am a nice guy/co-dependent, I came up with some statements, that I am going to read to myself a few times a day. I would really appreciate your thoughts on them. If the grammar or the words should be wrong, just let me know.
- Today I strive forwill stand up for myself, like a healthy man, without defensiveness, excuses or explanations
- Today I strive forwill set healthy boundaries, to protect my self respect, my honour and my dignity
- Today I strive for will love myself as I am, honouring myself and taking care of my needs and my well-being
- Today I strive formake my own hopes, visions and dreams a priority above the hopes, visions and dreams of others
- Today I strive forwill be honest and loving in my communication with others (remember this is ONLY about what YOU can do, and NOT about how others behave or see it).
- Today I strive forwill consciously enjoy the good moments of the day and open myself up for the love and approval of others
- Today I strive will exercise choice for accepting, that I have the right to say “Yes”, “No” and “Maybe”
- Today I strive for will ask others for their help, if I need them
- Today I strive forwill take steps tomaking little steps to overcome fear, when it raises its head
- Today I strive for will acknowledge my emotions and deal with them in an adult way
- Today I strive for will accept adults as adults, responsible for their own lives. I will not control them, manipulate them or use them to make me feel better
- Today I strive foraccept life as it is and to deal with reality as it is
- Today I strive for [color:#CC0000]will choose risk taking over fear and detach myself from the outcome
I think you can see my point ^^ above, yes? Don't "strive for" so much as just DO IT.
It'll come much faster if you hold yourself to an adult standard b/c that's who you are. (No offense meant).
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Has anyone an idea, why I am sometimes afraid of my w if she becomes angry? Many many men I know, can not stand their angry spouses. Is this normal for a man? And what are the females on this board thinking about it? Have you ever noticed you H or XH being afraid of your anger? And do women really favour men that can make a firm stand in the heat of an argument?
You are afraid because you have not detached from your W. You have become dependent on her and so you are at the whim of her emotions.
It's okay to be afraid. No one thinks any less of you for it. But you need to detach yourself from her and start your NG recovery.
You are afraid because you have not detached from your W. You have become dependent on her and so you are at the whim of her emotions.
It's okay to be afraid. No one thinks any less of you for it. But you need to detach yourself from her and start your NG recovery.
Wow, this an eye opener for me. It fits perfectly into the things I have been pondering on the last weeks: #1 "We are defined by our fears".
#2 "Stop helping people to oppress you"
I always have been waiting for the moment, when I would not feel the fear. You are right. I guess it would be some kind of a mental disease not to be afraid of dangerous stuff. Wow, I will work with this in the following days.
Thank you
Me 46 W 45 S16 D14 S10 M 20 yrs in June T22 12/14 sleeping in different rooms 01/07/15 she said she wants a separation 02/26/15 I moved out
Today W was friendly, but distant. Most of the times she tried to avoid my presence, sometimes she came to me and started a polite conversation (weather, the garden, the meat for the bbq). She seems to be quiet depressed about the situation. Her posture is the posture of a burdened person. No energy.
Emotional detachment takes more energy in this situation and I have to take care, that I spend my time with good nutrition and plenty of sleep, exercise and quality time with the kids. And I have to continue with my changes GAL!!, work on my self-worth, take responsibilities for the family and get a better paid job. That seems to be important. If I fall back into my old patterns, she would give up on me for good.
So keep your fingers crossed for me. It helps me to know, that somewhere out there are people who know about my journey. Thank you for your ideas, the encouragement. I really appreciate that.
Me 46 W 45 S16 D14 S10 M 20 yrs in June T22 12/14 sleeping in different rooms 01/07/15 she said she wants a separation 02/26/15 I moved out
I was afraid of my WAW's anger before and after BD.
It came from me feeling deep down like I was insufficient and inadequate, undeserving of love. During the M I used her love to combat those feelings and make me feel ok. Then when she got angry it hurt a bunch because I felt like she was in line with my worst fears and agreeing that I was a failure, that I wasn't deserving of love. Coming from the person who I loved this was both profoundly hurtful and a betrayal, or so it felt.
I still have trouble dealing with criticism, rejection, and anger. That's why these boards are tough at time. 2x4s, other people reacting violently to your thoughts at times. I really get put off by anger and resentment, it's very uncomfortable for me. I can accept disagreement, but for it to be accompanied by hostility is upsetting to me.
Part of my growth is working towards working on a team with all of my emotions, including anger, so I don't spend my life trying to avoid emotions, but rather accept them and rise above them. To do that I have to face a lot of uncomfortable situations, but it's well worth it. BECAUSE- if you NEED your WAW's approval to feel ok about yourself it will be hard to detach. Only with self healing and self care can you be ok on your own, and then detach from her opinions and behaviors.
Last edited by Zues126; 04/18/1508:33 PM.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I'm reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown at the moment, and your comments of feeling insufficient, inadequate and undeserving of love resonated. Underdog recommended Brene Brown's TED talks on vulnerability and shame (thanks Underdog if you are reading this) and they are powerful.
I've just been reading about perfectionism as a mask for shame...unless I keep my 'perfect' mask in place, I may be found wanting...and so on..
Just mentioning in case her stuff is of interest. She has written 5 or 6 books...
T x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
