Thank you for this. I hadn't even considered doing this.
Be careful with this SadDood, you're really early. My advice is let your emotions balance out a little, if not the temptation of 'moving on' may make you pursue stuff you shouldn't. Just my 2 cents.
Originally Posted By: SadDood
One comforting thing about this site is that we all bear a heavy heart and have been through the ringer. I'm much more detached now, especially since I've taken control of the sitch. I love my wife and the life we've built together, but part of me wonders if it would be much better if I were to just file for D and move on. I'm still trying to wrap my head around DBing as so much of it is counterintuitive and difficult to actually practice. I'm in so much pain, despite being more detached, I often wonder if I'll ever find someone again.
So, I'll tell you, I started posting on here after 2 months. I was a wreck and every time I 'thought' I was detached, something would happen and I realized I wasn't. Its not an ON/OFF switch for me, it was more of a journey to get there (still not sure if i actually "am") Yeah, DBing makes no sense until you look back at it. Adversity pushes out of our comfort zone, which causes us to be scared and fearful. You're just like everyone else here. It takes a while and its not about saving our M, but being okay with the outcome regardless of whether R or D.
Originally Posted By: SadDood
I don't have much to add, but appeciate all the hard work you have put into MR and the way you have detailed much of your process. It seems you are doing everything right.
Thanks, in a crazy kind of way; I'm okay with where I am right now. I still struggle with what this all means for the kids, but I'm fine with being 'here' at the moment.
Another growth for me over the last couple months is what is right/wrong. I was obsessed with what the 'right' thing to do was and got analysis paralysis which just made me react to my emotions. Then when I would do something that wasn't exactly what I thought I should do, I would be a wreck for a while. I can say, now I see I'm doing things that are true to myself and at that point, the reaction of WW doesn't get me spun up (Advice I had heard time and time again, but had to get to that point to understand it)
Originally Posted By: SadDood
At what point do you just throw in the towel and move on? I still haven't quite figured that out. I have only been at this for a few months, but have thought many times about saying eff it. Get busy living or get busy dying. But, deep in my heart I know if my W were to eventually change her ways, it would be best for our children and for our each of our lives. Of course, I won't tell her this... not for quite some time.
So this is by far the biggest and most comforting thing I've done (more advice people have given that I didn't understand at first.) This is God's plan for WW, MCS, S6 and D4. I'm not going to know that plan today, tomorrow or maybe ever. That's okay.....I'm leaving it to him. I know I'm not going to 'force' anything and stay true to myself, my morals and my faith. I don't have to worry what's in store for me because He'll architect my journey for me. Right now like I just said, my guidance is to be patient and continue to love her. Tomorrow may be something totally different, but that's tomorrow's plan (8 months of IC, DB and lots of prayer got me to understand this)
That's why MCS is 'okay' with MCS right now.
Hope it helps. Hang in there.....you're at the right place in the inter-webs.....
Last edited by MCS; 04/16/1512:14 AM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
So, sent WW an email the other day detailing the agreement we discussed about kids' camp. Just asked her to confirm. No response, just sent another, I'm guessing no response either.
Funny, WW had no problem talking with me when she needed something, but now that's over; back to NC about kids. I still see where her priorities are. I would have done what I did with the taxes regardless, but was just hoping it would thaw her a little. Oh well.
Not quite sure what the next step is. I'm fine being patient, I guess. I'm seeing L in May and am starting to really think I'm going to do formal separation agreement. We have a 1 year wait period, which would be August.
I'm fine, I'm okay, I'm pretty detached. I just set a reassessment when I go back to L and kinda thought if I didn't see any improvement in our communication, to formalize the whole thing. I thought that this tax thing may be a little glimpse of things improving, but I'm guessing it was just her being selfish (I knew that anyway)
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
You know that the only true love is that channelled from your higher power?
It is not from another. It is from the self, what is resisted always persists. When we face down our pain, stop judging and controlling others then the space within us is filled with love.
Being alone is not being lonely, if you can reach a place where just being MCS is enough then the loneliness will go. Being ready to be with another in peace and because that other is ready to be love, is complete.
Like V you stand for yourself. To DB so that you can be worthy of the love that the higher power can give you. MCS you love your children unconditionally. I admire that, and I want to hear MCS say he loves himself and is a channel for that love.
WW will find her own way, infatuations last about 2 years generally and ironically EAs can last longer than PAs. WW reality is that there is no love channelled from an A. Especially not hers. As are about selfishness not love, an attempt to fill an emptiness that another can never fill. Not ever, we are empty because we fail to let the Higher Power work for us and in our hearts. An A is the antithesis of an open heart and a denial of love. An A is a betrayal of love, an M, a family and is a selfish act which creates pain. Pretence and lies go with an A or a proposed A. Your WW must be slowly dying inside as a result of it.
Let go of expectation of WW and let her be herself. To become.
We can stand and keep standing until that Higher Power has moved its way and we learn that which we need. There is no need to control or have self righteous anger as it replaces with tenderness, love detachment and serenity. Then that higher power says time to learn and move to a new place. The spirit grows becomes and changes.
Time is on your side MCS. It really is, by the time the day comes to love and be renewed the gift will be much greater.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 04/18/1512:57 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Casting Crowns - Broken Together ______________ What do you think about when you look at me I know we're not the fairytale you dreamed we'd be You wore the veil, you walked the aisle, you took my hand And we dove into a mystery
How I wish we could go back to simpler times Before all our scars and all our secrets were in the light Now on this hallowed ground, we've drawn the battle lines Will we make it through the night
Its going to take much more than promises this time Only God can change our minds
Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete Could we just be broken together If you can bring your shattered dreams and I'll bring mine Could healing still be spoken and save us The only way we'll last forever, is broken together
How it must have been so lonely by my side We were building kingdoms and chasing dreams and left love behind Im praying God will help our broken hearts align And we wont give up the fight ______________
Wow. This is amazing. I have tears. I am keeping this.
Cheers, PureHrt 18 years married, 22 years together Separated since Jan (2nd time in 3 years) 1 child
I see that one thing that I'm experiencing that I really never had experienced before is self-pity. Now My life goes by with >90% appreciation and thankfulness, and the remaining I get in a funk and just feel sorry for myself and my kids.
Before BD, the feelings of appreciation and thankfulness were near 100%. In fact, some haunting dialogue that I can't let go is when W and I were just hanging out the night right prior to BD. W and I will talking and I said to her how blessed we are to be surrendered by so many good things in our lives; house, good jobs, money, etc. W said "MCS, it's just stuff" I said, "I didn't mean just those items; us/kids are healthy, we have our parents still with us, our family is happy, etc." This shows how utterly clueless I was, but it's so painful because I felt W and I were sharing a nice moment and then just a few hours later...... BD.
I really feel the anger residing, I'm just fearful that it will be replaced with apathy. I need to let go of worrying about that.
For some reason, I hit a wall tonight. I was doing just fine, doing some stuff around the house. Then I finished and just sat down, and started thinking. Weekends are tough, the kiddos are not here. It's the time where a lot of the emotions catch up with me. I'm definitely reacting to them better, but it still hurts.
For me, I have happiness deep down in my heart. It's always been there. I think I'm getting to the point of forgiveness, but the present interactions still bother me. I need to work on that. V, I think I love myself. I really do. However, I need to ponder your words, they're powerful and thought provoking. Let me get back and comment specifically on your post in a apday or so.
As always, thanks so much. what you wrote hit the spot I needed for tonight.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Whenever I get sad I STOP being sad and start being AWESOME instead. True story.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Yeah, when I say I've got some self pity, I really mean it in a healthy way. I feel like I'm back to normal mostly. Not many emotional ups and downs, can stayed focused on a task without thinking of the sitch and am pretty comfortable with just myself. These are all things that I struggled with since BD.
I think I see the sitch for what it is now. WW seems to be lost has pushed everyone away and seems to be emotionally declining as time goes by. However, that may be just around me she shows that, but I'm guessing not. She skipped another BFF's daughters birthday party, just another example of how this is not me, that's causing her struggles.
I feel like I'm balanced enough to be comfortable here for some amount of time. I hope at some point she realizes that she needs help. I need to figure out whether to push for a separation agreement or not. I'm going to do what's best for the kids right now understanding that this may be this way for a long time.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
