It had been awhile since I posted. My H and I have been separated for about 7 weeks. We have been in contact, mostly because of our daughter. He actually stayed the night at our house last nighty and we had a really honest converation last night, and he really stressed that we can't stay together just because of our daughter. I agree. But we both agreed that it seemed impossible to imagine how to even go about trusting each other again, and being intimate without it seeming fake. So I would like to find a way to reconnect, and spend time just us without our D. But I'm not sure how to propose any sort of dating of each other. Any suggestions?
Can you link your previous postings so it makes it easier for people to catch up on your situation?
Thanks!
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
But let me just offer my 2 cents of advice on dating your H while separated as I had a tad bit of experience. First, you need to quit thinking of what he is thinking. By that I mean, if you are working on yourself, and what you see as your own shortcomings from your relationship, he will notice. You are not going to make him want you by any single action, or any mannerism which is intended to get him back. Your objective is to become the person only a fool would leave. Go back to when you two first met. What was it about you that attracted him to you? How did you act then?
You must absolutely have a PMA. Even if you have to fake it, which we all had to at some point. He must see you happy, he must see you as having a positive outlook on your life, and see you as ok with out him if that is what life leads to. HE must once again want YOU. And more often than not, we want what we cannot have. So be very careful about being clingy or assuring him you will be there. He must think HE has a chance of losing YOU. That has been the one almost surefire way to get a WAS attention. Remember, his mind is not on fixing the M at this time, even if he seems to be working on it. He has his own demons right now and they are demons you cannot help him with. So spend your time working on you, and making those changes in you. The 180s, the GAL, the PMA are what will get his attention!
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Thanks for your input. I have been super busy GAL. It's been amazing actually. I've fixed up things around the house, organized, and been working out more. I've actually been really happy. Our conversation included me telling him that I realized I didn't NEED him, but I still wanted him. His big thing is he doesn't know if he can believe that I can change in the way he needs, which is to put our relationship first. To put his happiness above all else. Well I don't know how tI show him I'm capable of that without reconnecting, and spending time with him. Me moving on was helpful in getting me healthy, and happy, but now I feel like the next step is a change in how he and I interact. Is that wrong? I am at a loss.
Me:30 H:31 D1 T: 7 years M: 3.5 years BD: 12/2014 3 month S starts: 2/2015
I was thinking about asking my H about attending an event this weekend with him, but he has been ignoring me all week. I feel like my strategy is all sorts of messed up. I know the book says stick to what works, but I am so confused about what my husband is wanting. He says he needs us to have a relationship outside of our D. But how do I acocmplish that?
Last edited by Marylov; 04/17/1502:00 AM.
Me:30 H:31 D1 T: 7 years M: 3.5 years BD: 12/2014 3 month S starts: 2/2015
Not my area of expertise, but if he's been ignoring you I'd give him space and avoid pursuit.
Don't believe any of what he says and half of what he does. He doesn't know what he wants.
I'm not saying you're M is over, but there are no guarantees and if it does work it's unlikely that it will be a straight shot to happily-ever-after land. It will have set backs, false starts, etc.
I'd say really detach and let things drift further away, all while making yourself the best person you can be.
For those that didn't follow your original sitch, what did you do to contribute to this separation? How have you changed since? Has your H noticed? In what areas do you feel you need to continue to grow?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I completely agree, I don't think it will go striaght to happily ever after. To me only makes sense that we will have to really take our time to rebuild.
Me:30 H:31 D1 T: 7 years M: 3.5 years BD: 12/2014 3 month S starts: 2/2015
When my wife first moved out, I did the whole "as a family" thing as often as I could. But it was fake, she didn't want it and knew that I did. So she would push boundaries, pick fights, etc.
This last Easter, I knew she had no where to go, meanwhile I was hosting it at our house (she moved out) and was having family/friends over. It killed me not to invite her here, because I love her and the thought of her sitting in her place, by herself just killed me. BUT I didn't. She called a few times asking about the kids and what not, lingering, hoping for an invite, but I dug my heels in the sand and refused.
In the end, it helped me detach even more. A few months ago, I would have done anything to get her back. Now, I am quite content without her. I went from thinking about her every minute, to several times a day to once a day (if that). The trick is to detach and GAL. I have been preaching the GAL technique here since I started it and it helps. When this all started, I was a step away from suicide, but GAL changed my attitude completely. It also leaves her wondering what got into me and why I am making these changes (although she doesn't believe any of them, but who cares?)
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
I had made so much progress with detaching, and I made the stupid mistake of letting the myself feel hope again. I tried to extend myself to him, and he has totally taken advantage of me yet again and shut me down. So here we go again. I had gotten to the point where I felt good, was happy, and didn't cry every day. Now I am crying every hour, so hurt and confused. I'm going to use this weekend to refocus and try to LET IT GO! I need to stop pursuing him bc it clearly just makes him feel in control and makes me feel like an idiot.
Me:30 H:31 D1 T: 7 years M: 3.5 years BD: 12/2014 3 month S starts: 2/2015
Marylov that is a rookie mistake I have made time and time again. I'm thinking wow I feel good, look good, feeling confident and in control. Let go of detachment for a moment with ex because I'm feeling so good....BANG! Contact with ex back to needing to buy tissues in bulk! The takeaway lesson for me, when I'm feeling good that's the time to keep feeling better, a stay the h*ll away from ex in any shape or form.
