What type of things would you suggest as actionable items in my situation?
SITCH Years of infidelity by me/H, working on perm change, DEC 2014 ILYBNILWY JAN 2105 OM JAN 2015 W says I plan to move out and file for D April 1, 2015 Dbing April 2015 H-39, W-37, M 18yrs, S-9
Since I am the one guilty of multiple A's and she is in one just to get some connection and love and acceptance that she was not getting from me I have not done a thing about that or spoken a word about it. It came up at the intensive that she hadn't spoken with him in a month but I know that's not true, facebook, email comm continues and they see each other at work and maybe after like they did before she admitted it. I intend to say or do nothing about that. Is that correct?
It does change the dynamic a bit because you've had multiple As yourself. It still doesn't mean you have to live in an open marriage, though -- your position should be "I realize that what I did was wrong -- intensely wrong -- but I'm working to correct that. I still value myself too much however to be willing to live in an open marriage."
But in your case, I wouldn't INITIATE that statement. I would probably only focus on maybe not allowing her to lie to my face openly. If she does, just put your hand up in the "stop" position and say "Look, I've been no saint but please stop it -- we both know you're lying to me right now, and it's very disrespectful. I know all about you and ______, and because of my own infidelity in the past I've said nothing, but that doesn't mean I'm going to stand here and let you lie to my face about it."
Interesting advice Starsky. I am walking such a tight rope. I don't want to push her to leave as she says she is working that but I don't like being lied to either. I did this a lot to her. It's a tough lesson to learn.
SITCH Years of infidelity by me/H, working on perm change, DEC 2014 ILYBNILWY JAN 2105 OM JAN 2015 W says I plan to move out and file for D April 1, 2015 Dbing April 2015 H-39, W-37, M 18yrs, S-9
A good friend today that knows my A's history said you can't let her lie to you, carry on the A even though your actions drove her to it, and continue to live in the house. Um ok? But if she says she is leaving, wants a D but I want her to stay as I continue to work on changing isn't that counterproductive?
SITCH Years of infidelity by me/H, working on perm change, DEC 2014 ILYBNILWY JAN 2105 OM JAN 2015 W says I plan to move out and file for D April 1, 2015 Dbing April 2015 H-39, W-37, M 18yrs, S-9
Very true Mr. Bond Any other advice on how I should be handling things including interaction? I'm continuing to work on myself, attending weekly counseling and have done a 180.
SITCH Years of infidelity by me/H, working on perm change, DEC 2014 ILYBNILWY JAN 2105 OM JAN 2015 W says I plan to move out and file for D April 1, 2015 Dbing April 2015 H-39, W-37, M 18yrs, S-9
You have to rebuild trust in her. She has to feel like she can trust you again. Do something small at first to show that you're trustworthy like if she asks you to do something, you follow through. And then slowly make your way into conversations. Light small talk at first, then build it to where she actually shares something with you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
True. We had a convo tonight that went off track, she was talking about working late tomm night. I said I understand and no problem, but then I said can you let me know how late is late so I know how to plan. Apparently that pushed a button and she said if you don't trust me I can show you the email I got from my boss about working late. I said no thank you, I trust you, I'm sorry I somehow communicated that I didn't. Ugh. I mean her A is a co-worker and that's how it worked, she would stay late, ect... But if she's planning on leaving and divorcing me why was she justifying/explaining why she would be late?! Confusing and a roller coaster ride!
SITCH Years of infidelity by me/H, working on perm change, DEC 2014 ILYBNILWY JAN 2105 OM JAN 2015 W says I plan to move out and file for D April 1, 2015 Dbing April 2015 H-39, W-37, M 18yrs, S-9
SITCH Years of infidelity by me/H, working on perm change, DEC 2014 ILYBNILWY JAN 2105 OM JAN 2015 W says I plan to move out and file for D April 1, 2015 Dbing April 2015 H-39, W-37, M 18yrs, S-9
