When is kindness enough?

[Fogg]

Ripe,

I'm in the same boat as you right now just going on less time, and I think we share similar thoughts on the separate sleeping even if we cant admit it out right. I'm scared of what would happen and the consequences. It's not so much afraid of her, but of pushing her away more. I've been sleeping on the couch for over 3 months. I keep making excuses why I don't follow the advice on here to move back into my own bed, mostly because I get to feeling things between me and W might be getting better. I obviously don't want to cause any more conflict and possibly scared that I would upset her and push her further.

They don't respect us Ripe, we are the pushovers that would rather do something degrading in order to avoid conflict. We would rather sleep on the floor or couch in order to please them. Who would respect that. I think I've decided to move back into my bed tomorrow night, and make no excuses to go against it. Ill admit, I'm afraid of what will happen, the sleeping might be better on the floor/couch, but I will respect myself more for standing up for myself.

I say we both follow the advice below asap. No risk, no reward. If this is what people say will cause our W's to respect us(or at least start that path), who are we to say it wont. We already know we've done things wrong so far. Lets stop making excuses and pushing it off until later and do something different for once.

You're still not getting it. You don't ask for your wife's PERMISSION to do this, nor do you make a grand pronouncement (waiting to see if she approves or disapproves before acting). You just DO it. If she says "what do you think you're doing in the bed?" just say "I'm much more comfortable here, and I decided that I'm no longer sleeping on the floor."

Why are you so afraid of your wife? Her bluster can't harm you.


Starsky

[Ripe]

I think I've decided to move back into my bed tomorrow night, and make no excuses to go against it. Ill admit, I'm afraid of what will happen, the sleeping might be better on the floor/couch, but I will respect myself more for standing up for myself.

Fogg, I went to your topic and read it all.
I also found out I cannot reply to it, maybe because I am too young in the forum.
So, I am posting here just expecting that you will read this: have you moved back to your bed?
I haven't done so because I am not home until Thursday (this is 70% excuse, because I could have done it over the weekend, but I will do it).

[Cadet]

I think I've decided to move back into my bed tomorrow night, and make no excuses to go against it. Ill admit, I'm afraid of what will happen, the sleeping might be better on the floor/couch, but I will respect myself more for standing up for myself.

Fogg, I went to your topic and read it all.
I also found out I cannot reply to it, maybe because I am too young in the forum.
So, I am posting here just expecting that you will read this: have you moved back to your bed?
I haven't done so because I am not home until Thursday (this is 70% excuse, because I could have done it over the weekend, but I will do it).

More than likely you read his first thread(which is locked) - try the second one, click on his name, show posts, topics

And you may get your answer and be able to post too.

[Fogg]

^how to get to my second thread, which I explained what happened in more detail.

I attempted to move back to my bed but because of how it played out W barricaded the door to the room. I wasn't going to physically break down the door so I was left with couch that night.

I spoke with her the next day and we are now splitting couch/bed during the week. She even apologized for the way she reacted and I explained my position in a confident way. It's not exactly as the advice on here states but you have to look at your situation and make the best call for you. That's what I realized that night. What works for one person on here may not work for everyone. For me I got my needs met/understood and gained some respect from W by standing up to her. I'm happy with the outcome. She at least understands I cant be steam rolled over anytime she wants something specific, also the threats she had before will not have the effect on me she thinks. At the very least the dynamic has changed and I feel more in control of myself.


Edit - I also added a link at the end of the first thread, if all else fails.

[Ripe]

I slept in my bed!
Yesterday night we arrived home after our Easter holidays.
We had awakened very early in the morning to catch a flight, so we were exhausted.
I wanted to get to bed before my W, but I could not manage to do it because I had to tuck my kids into bed.
When I got into our bedroom, she was already laying down with a book in hands.
I asked her if she was going to read and she said yes.
I then headed towards what used to be my side of the bed and said: “I am going to sleep in the bed. I am very tired and need a good night’s sleep.” I pulled the blanket and lay down.
My W said nothing.
I saw we had the pillows swapped, so I asked for mine. She gave it to me.
I closed my eyes and turned by back to her.
After one minute she left the bed.
I made a bet she was going to sleep in the couch but no, she just went to the bathroom.
And that was it.
It was a very weird feeling.
On one side, I felt physically excited to be in that place again. Being so close to my W aroused me because we don’t have sex in one year and half. On the other side, I could not properly rest because of the conscious effort of trying not to touch her.
This morning she said nothing and her mood is the same as it has been for the last month. She smiles at me, we cooperate around the house and talk normally.
Tonight I will be there again!

[Cadet]

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[Ripe]

I am still puzzled with what is happening in my life and especially with what happened these past days.
I have to thank you all for your sharing, support and advise.
Without them I would have never committed myself to get back to my bed.
And right now I feel great.
I mean, I might not be closer to get my wife back and that might never happen, but for the moment my ego is full.
I sleep once more in my own bed!!! Hurray!!!

[Mozza]

Well done! Now you should tell us more about your situation, what you're doing and how she reacts so that we can help your further. Have you read NMMNG?

[Ripe]

Just one more piece of information related to the bed issue.
Last night I was getting ready to go to bed. My wife was in the living room.
I had my pyjama and was about to get into the sheets.
My wife showed up at the bedroom door and said: "You can sleep in the bed. There is no problem."
I was not going to sleep anywhere else, so I did not understand why she said that. Did she think I was going to sleep in the floor once more?
Anyway, why does she say it's OK for me to sleep in the bed if we don't touch each other?
There is no logic in my wife's behaviour.

[Mozza]

Doesn't matter. Focus on doing the right thing, being strong, etc. look at my message above and let us know what else you've been doing. Tell us a bit about your GAL while you're at it. You've got opportunities to show change and strength. The bed issue is a solved problem.