Newbie seeking some experienced advice

[nick77]

My W and I had been arguing regularly for the last 2 weeks. Finally Sunday I told her I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm done fighting. I'm going to accept that we are parting ways and I told her I forgive her for whatever she did to me (she slept with someone a month after separation and has been seeing him regularly since), hoped she'd forgive me someday for anything I've done, and that I would only contact her regarding our son.

That evening when I took our son to her house she talked and joked with me and we laughed together for about 20 minutes. Tuesday we both attended my son's baseball practice and the 2 of us passed ball for about 45 minutes and talked, joked around and laughed. At Wednesdays practice we were watching when I noticed she would stand close to me then move away. I would inch away and she would move closer. Then I noticed she was watching a couple with a newborn near us and it looked like she got teary-eyed. She had sunglasses on so couldn't tell for sure. I could also tell she wanted to say something but I wasn't going to dig.

Finally she said "So G (our son) said to me that since you and daddy were having so much fun passing ball that's a good sign you're going to get back together". I told her I don't know what to say that and she said she didn't know how to reply to him. I asked her what she thought about what he said and she told me she doesn't know. She doesn't want him to be confused since we both don't know what's going to happen. This is coming off of a good 2-3 weeks solid of pretty heated arguments and her saying she's filing for divorce numerous times. I told her I'll always think of getting back together,which I know is a mistake, and then asked her what she felt about what he said. Again she responded that she doesn't know but got real quiet and didn't say anything for a few minutes. We talked and joked around a little longer then she had to leave and I walked her to her car.

I'm sure I did a lot of things wrong during that interaction but inside I was crying tears of joy to hear what she said about not knowing what's going to happen. Should I feel hopeful? Was that really a positive thing or am I just being blinded by my desire to repair my marriage? Should I stop talking and joking with her and trying to be friendly? I don't call, text, or email her at all unless it concerns our child and won't but I don't know what to do next.

[Starsky309]

Should I feel hopeful? Was that really a positive thing or am I just being blinded by my desire to repair my marriage? Should I stop talking and joking with her and trying to be friendly? I don't call, text, or email her at all unless it concerns our child and won't but I don't know what to do next.

Re-read what you just wrote (your entire post, not just the clip I have quoted here), and then re-read it again. I know it's hard, but try to read is as an outside party, reading about two other people.

a) Do you see what "worked" -- what re-attracted your wife?

b) Do you see the error in what you're thinking now?

DBing, above all use, is about "doing what works." Study what WORKS not only in your own sitch but in basic male-female human attraction. And then apply it.

Is she still in contact with this other man?


Starsky

[Train]

If you have trouble doing this ^^^, let me know. I can be your "outside party" (and a female voice at that). It's as clear to me as it obviously is to my friend, Starsky. .

I'll wait to see your reply before chiming in though, nick.

[Cadet]

Threads merged, stick with one thread until 100 posts

[nick77]

Thank you both for replying. I do see what worked and am committed to sticking to it. I'm just amazed that it worked so fast. We've been going through it for 2 years and the last 2-3 weeks were very ugly. And to see positive results in less than 24 hours? That's why I wonder if this is all just wishful thinking.

Starsky,
I do believe she is still in contact with the other man but I'm not asking about it.

Train,
I'd love to hear a females perspective on what happened and how I should move forward. I don't want to do something to sabotage what progress has been made.

[nick77]

Hi Hopefulstill and thank you for your advice and replies. I've been very busy taking care of my son and trying to GAL. And fighting with my W. But I didn't initiate these fights though once baited in I did take part. For over 2 weeks. I finally put my foot in my mouth as you suggested and have not engaged in another fight. Actually if you will see the last few posts that I posted today I saw some pretty unbelievable results from putting my foot in mouth. I wish I would've had the control to do it sooner but I'm learning. It's a plan I'm going to follow from here on out as well as the rest of your advice.

[nick77]

Man this is impossible. I've been fine all week and felt really encouraged after a couple nice interactions with my W earlier this week. Then this morning I had to take some papers to my W that she asked for and needed ASAP and when I got to her house I saw the other guy was there. They work together and just finished a night shift. My heart sank and I just wanted to die. I guess inside I was hoping she would stop seeing him since she just finished telling me she doesn't know what's going to happen between us.

I'm seriously working on myself. I'm going to counseling weekly, exercising regularly and losing a ton of weight, hanging out with old friends that have kids my son's age, meeting new people, etc. But I can't completely detach. I want to and know I need to but I'm constantly thinking of my W and her being with another man. It's killing me. I don't know what to do next. I'm not going to say anything to her about him being there or engage in any arguments but I can't stop feeling like I'm dying inside. Does it ever get any easier?

I know people have turned marriages around but I can't see it. I don't see how I can ever do anything with him in the way. I'm so lost.

[Cadet]

Does it ever get any easier?

Yes when you Let Go.

I was hoping she would stop seeing him since she just finished telling me she doesn't know what's going to happen between us.

She was keeping you as the backup plan, you must be the #1 plan or else you don't want her back!
I know thats not what you think right now, but affairs die, and they die faster when you are not the back up plan.
And right now she may see it that way.

[nick77]

Thanks Cadet. I'm trying to let go but it's hard. Insanely hard.

I do want her back and want to be the #1 plan. I guess I'm just finding it hard to figure out how to do that. I am trying though.

[sandi2]

When you went to her house and the OM was there, describe the interaction between everyone. You said you didn't say anything about him to her, but tell us more.

Let me share with you what I see as a big mistake newcomer H's make. He steps back and stops engaging in arguments. Suddenly, the tension is broken and he and his WW are on more friendly grounds again. He sees this as great progress, to the point of thinking everything is back to going uphill again. He gets all excited and thinks, "I can't believe it was so simple. This is great!" It usually takes less than 48 hrs for him to discover how wrong he was.

I will try to save time by not repeating myself, if you'll read the thread, "For Newcomer LBH with Wayward Wife". I believe I touched on this particular action that you've experienced.