My First Break, Light Shines Yonder

[Pyrite]

Was reminded again by Cadet to start a new thread.

Last thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2555932#Post2555932

First thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2555875&page=1

Didn't really want to start a new thread until I had something nice to say.

Backsliding. Rough week. It's always a rough week without my Ds. I'm still feeling/maintaining detachment from my W, but feeling loss of the family. It doesn't help one little bit that I am blaming myself for the whole mess.

Self-forgiveness is a big problem ATM. I have meditated at stages throughout my life, and only really began to heal at all when I started meditating again a couple of months back. I have read about some forgiveness exercises that I know I should get on top of ASAP. But its like telling a depressed person to "cheer up". I dont want to, I want to wallow in self-pity. I will turn around soon, I always do as I get closer to my week with the girls, and during.

What I really feel like is a hug . Someone to hug. At least the WAS' have that.

Starting with a reply.

Z: I am going write that email and CC the mediator, or at least sit on it over the weekend.

So if in a year from now my W started talking about reconciliation, I'd be like "shoot". I thought I was going to avoid the hard painful work of piecing, I thought I was going to meet someone else and have a fresh chance at a great R. Now I've got to debate whether I am willing to reinvest in this person that I'm not confident will be able to hold her end, and a person that has enough negative history with me that the first year or two would be really difficult instead of really exciting.

I can appreciate that. Even now I feel like if she came back with open arms, it would be next to impossible. Going back has never been an option. There is too much hurt ATM to go forwards. So it would just be like being bogged. In the future I can imagine starting a new relationship with another W, but I can't imagine ever being/feeling that way with her again. I can't imagine even being anything but detached friends with her (eventually), let alone nervous and excited, touching her hair and anticipating that first kiss.

I am open to negotiation though, and trying. Not so much for the sake of the M per se, but for the sake of the family (of which the M is the cornerstone).

I know it has only been 3-4 months since BD, but I haven't really seen any sign of things going that way. She is angry, and perhaps getting angrier as I get darker, as DBing predicts, but that is it. Hardly a positive. Well feels that way. All other actions have been towards D, selling house etc. My feeling is that this is just slipping further away. R with OM might turn out to be lifelong, but it won't fall apart before D is finalised. He wants permanent residency among other things. I have met him remember, before he was a known threat.

I am *ready to want to* scrap the idea of a R with W, put it down to learning the hard way, do the hard yards for me and another future relationship. I know this is supposed to have been the idea all along but like I was trying to explain to a friend. I have always known it was pronounced "A" but now I really understand that its pronounced "A". You see the difference

[Pyrite]

gee thanks Cadet - very helpful

[Cadet]

Didn't really want to start a new thread until I had something nice to say.

I was always told that starting new threads sometimes could spur us to change.
Or vice versa.

So maybe this is an opportunity!

[Pyrite]

lets hope so. I am already feeling a lot better than I was. no particular reason other than time. I have talked too a few people as well. my sister in detail about the past week.

Reading DR. I am still disappointed that it almost entirely talks about pre-seperation. Constant reminders of exactly what I should've done in the M. Maybe I am supposed to think it is not too late for me to work through for the sake of my next R. Whether this is with my W or not is irrelevant?

[Pyrite]

She emailed me.

She finally paid some bills.
Because she doesn't read my emails, she paid the wrong amounts. She owes me money as well.

she asked questions, to which i also need to reply.
she finished with - "pal try and respond professionally"

i should let it wait, nothing is so urgent that it can't wait a few days. but I dont need to, there is no point. it would just be vindictive.

advice?

[Cadet]

she asked questions, to which i also need to reply.
she finished with - "pal try and respond professionally

what is the need?

advice?

What was wrong with what you told yourself?

i should let it wait, nothing is so urgent that it can't wait a few days. but I dont need to, there is no point. it would just be vindictive.

[Pyrite]

thanks. i drafted a response, but haven't sent.

the NEED is 1. that she asked directly, 2. i have to clarify for her what payments are required.

hehe - my own advice includes both reply and dont.

reply: i normally would reply straight away. one dont reply argument is to make her wait but that is just being nasty. i am not trying to punish her.

dont: i dont want to appear to be sitting around at her beck and call.

so i'm going with dont? i can always send later, i can't take it back.

these games are doing my head in. I keep looking for signs of her tone in the email. Did she use my name, a signature, why the baiting remark at the end. BTW my drafted response is emotion-less

[Cadet]

dont: i dont want to appear to be sitting around at her beck and call.

so i'm going with dont? i can always send later, i can't take it back.

Agreed ^^^^

these games are doing my head in. I keep looking for signs of her tone in the email. Did she use my name, a signature, why the baiting remark at the end.

Pointless waste of YOUR head space!

[SadDood]

Pointless waste of YOUR head space!

I agree with this 100%, yet I am guilty of the same thing. At first, I was always trying to read between the lines. As I gradually became more detached, I have done less and less of this.

Pyrite- Do you think you are really detached? It seems like you are letting go. I think once I mentally got to that stage... everything has come a lot easier. Yes, I've only been at this for a few months and have made some huge blunders, but once I refused to let her control my emotions, it has been truly empowering. However, I'm not sure it is possible to COMPLETELY detach, but I'm finding it a lot easier to steer my thoughts away once they come into my head.

[Pyrite]

Pyrite- Do you think you are really detached?

Thanks SD - (and Cadet) - Short answer NO. Longer answer - infinitely better than what I was. I can "steer" my thought away with much more control. If I choose I can let her into my thoughts and when I become uncomfortable I can shut it off. But they are sneaky little buggers, sometimes these destructive thoughts get in under my "boundary" and head straight for the tower.

Sadly these thoughts that get through are usually the strongest of those trying, and come with a twist, usually rational, logistic, to do with my Ds and their future, etc - or combinations thereof.

periods associated with the grief cycling i feel have been extended, and I am "happier" for longer periods in between anger, depression etc. but when the depression for e.g. does take hold, i feel like it is stronger than before. good news is though that i am also better equipped to handle it.