MY STORY IS UGLY BUT AT LEAST IM LEARNING

[MrBond]

"We have strong Christian upbringings and made that an important part of our lives."

So you never felt guilty about the A's in the eyes of God? Did you feel entitled to your A's? In what ways have you changed for the better towards her?

[parker7]

Mr. Bond:
I felt guilty, especially at first. As the A's went on and on I blocked out the guilt some. But I do believe I was having a hell of an inner conflict. Anger, mood swings, harsh to my W and S. Controlling W and S as much as I could.
The guilt was especially bad around her Christian family, Christian friends and sitting in church. I knew what I was doing was wrong especially in the eyes of God.
How I've changed around the W. I am no longer controlling, not a smidgen of that, nor am I moody, especially angry, I am being respectful, kind, loving, caring, patient, but that is hard when she is disconnected and hardened to me. I am working on detaching, 180, following Sandi's rules, even going dark, but I have been conflicted, even when discussing with my DB coach, I have asked do I do all these things even though I drove her to the OM and gave her the hardened heart?
I will continue to be loving and respectful in any way I can.
I have been pouring into my S-9. My W has mentioned several times how she has seen the bond between my S and I really strengthen in the last couple months.

[MrBond]

"Controlling W and S as much as I could. "

How so? What did you do?

"How I've changed around the W. I am no longer controlling, not a smidgen of that, nor am I moody, especially angry, I am being respectful, kind, loving, caring, patient, "

These are all general concepts. HOW are you showing these things? What specific actions?

[parker7]

Controlled work schedule, asked her to limit how much OT and extra hours she worked, tried to keep her home as much as I could, controlled who she hung out with, where she went, gave guilt trips, said harsh things to accomplish this, controlled where we went, what we did together.

I am not getting involved at all in her personal life. I am not limiting who she hangs with what she is doing. I am not saying one word even when I would have objected in the past to who she is going out with and where she is going. Its her life and I should have realized that long ago. I have not said a word about her increased work schedule, limited time with her son, which means i get to be with him more (not all bad).

I am picking up the slack even more around the house, laundry, cleaning, running errands. With her increased work hours I have stepped it up around the house more.

I am throwing in compliments one a day or one every other day, words of affirmation directly related to her hard work or how she cares for our son, involvement at our sons school. DB coach said don't go overboard, pull back?

I lamented a ton the first 6 weeks and then at the marriage intensive we went to 2 weeks ago. So I'm giving lots of space. Not initiating convo, hello's, gnight's, being upbeat.

[MrBond]

Which marriage intensive did you go to? What did she say while you were there?

[parker7]

Christian/Focus on the family marriage intensive. 3 days/20 hours. We lasted 2 days 11 hours. Within 3 hours into the counseling session she said unless God changed her heart she wanted a divorce. As the hours went by she became more focused on our son and how the things they were teaching us could be used for dealing with future communications over his care. They were very much interested in showing us why things went wrong in our marriage and how to fix it and how I could get on the right path also. She wasn't interested in that and kept re-directing the convo. I lamented that night horribly and pissed her off to the point of her saying I want my freedom, independence, to start over, to make my own decisions ect... I hadn't heard that before. She was always saying she was disconnected and done.

[parker7]

I haven't lamented/begged since, but the damage was done. I lamented the first 6 weeks back in January then again at the intensive March 30.

[MrBond]

So moving forward, how often do you interact with her? How have those interactions been? What are the small actionable items you can do now to get a small positive response and build from there?

[parker7]

I interact with her daily. Usually in the home, general convo, I let her initiate. I'm friendly upbeat, I validate when I can, I listen closely. I let her initiate texts and emails and it's usually about the S or her plans. I don't respond immediately unless it's very important. We don't talk on the phone at all. When we used to it was usually me doing the talking
I don't say hello,gbye, good morning or Gnight unless she initiates. Is that what I should be doing? Should I be doing more?
Our communication has been pleasant for the last 2 weeks just minimal. She's been working a lot and coming/going much more than the norm but my lips are sealed shut.

[parker7]

Since I am the one guilty of multiple A's and she is in one just to get some connection and love and acceptance that she was not getting from me I have not done a thing about that or spoken a word about it. It came up at the intensive that she hadn't spoken with him in a month but I know that's not true, facebook, email comm continues and they see each other at work and maybe after like they did before she admitted it. I intend to say or do nothing about that. Is that correct?