As much as you want to be hopeful the tears are for or about you, it's more likely it's all about the OM. Glad she's calmed down enough to be cordial today. In less than 18 hours it appears she's toned it down.
Even so, this is a roller coaster. Imagine the first few days of cold turkey for an drug addict in rehab. There are good moments and bad moments...but you've no choice other than endure.
Not to fixate on OM's wife, but did she call or text you back. If your wife's boss knows it sounds like something happened at work between them all. OM didn't tell his boss himself unless he had to. Be nice to know what's going on. Tough to fight a war without information about the enemy.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
As much as you want to be hopeful the tears are for or about you, it's more likely it's all about the OM. Glad she's calmed down enough to be cordial today. In less than 18 hours it appears she's toned it down.
Even so, this is a roller coaster. Imagine the first few days of cold turkey for an drug addict in rehab. There are good moments and bad moments...but you've no choice other than endure.
Not to fixate on OM's wife, but did she call or text you back. If your wife's boss knows it sounds like something happened at work between them all. OM didn't tell his boss himself unless he had to. Be nice to know what's going on. Tough to fight a war without information about the enemy.
No, OM's W never texted back. Troubles me a bit. Yesterday she pledged to keep in touch. Makes me wonder a bit what's going on. I know OM's W has friends at the hospital so I'm sure that's how my W's boss found out. OM is a doctor so there's no chance of him being fired.
Originally Posted By: MrBond
"But I believe W is referring to a period after the A was discovered."
Mindreading.
What about before the A? Did she ever try talking to you about things or recommend C?
The only time W ever mentioned C was a week or two before I discovered the A. And my intel leads me to believe that the seeds of the A had already been planted by this time.
After I discovered the A, W states that she tried to tell me before it ever got to this point. We had our arguments like everybody else but I can't recall any other serious sit down conversations.
In fact, W told me just the other day that when she purchased her 2015 planner in November, she circled our wedding anniversary and wrote "7 years of wedded bliss."
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
If your wife gets fired after you internally jump for joy, this is what you need to do:
Immediately be super supportive of your wife and MAD at the hospital. How dare they fire her and let OM keep his job. He is the superior so if anyone gets fired it should be him. Then make an appointment at a lawyer and pursue suing the hospital for this. Sexual harassment, etc. Your lawyer can throw the book at them. The hospital doesn't care. They have insurance for this. They will pay up even if it's just a nuisance settlement. They will do whatever the doctors want and walk all over whomever they want and let their lawyers sort out the mess.
BUT....this is a huge opportunity for you to be on her side bonding with her in her anger at the hospital (and OM) for this huge injustice. You and her get to be a team against the hospital AND OM. Not only did OM dump her but he got her fired too. This would be the complete death nell of the affair and you get to step in an be the knight in shining armor coming to her emotional rescue.
Oh, I found this by one of my favorite mod posters about what your 180's should look like (supporting my suggestion that displaying more emotion was OK in your situation as long as you aren't a wimp about it):
Originally Posted By: sgctxok
What is a 180.....?
A complete OPPOSITE of
your MORE OF THE SAME behaviors
your partner's stereotype of you
the things that irritate your partner about you
We discussed the More of the Same behaviors in a different thread....what would be THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE of that?
What are your partner's stereotypes of you.....and what could you do to completely blow that stereotype?
What about you irritates your partner? What can you do that is the opposite of that?
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
If your wife gets fired after you internally jump for joy, this is what you need to do:
Immediately be super supportive of your wife and MAD at the hospital. How dare they fire her and let OM keep his job. He is the superior so if anyone gets fired it should be him. Then make an appointment at a lawyer and pursue suing the hospital for this. Sexual harassment, etc. Your lawyer can throw the book at them. The hospital doesn't care. They have insurance for this. They will pay up even if it's just a nuisance settlement. They will do whatever the doctors want and walk all over whomever they want and let their lawyers sort out the mess.
BUT....this is a huge opportunity for you to be on her side bonding with her in her anger at the hospital (and OM) for this huge injustice. You and her get to be a team against the hospital AND OM. Not only did OM dump her but he got her fired too. This would be the complete death nell of the affair and you get to step in an be the knight in shining armor coming to her emotional rescue.
I gotta chime and and say I disagree. Doesnt mean I am right but I disagree with the concept of siding with your wife for a 'bonding' moment. First, she likely broke the rules of the hospital, so yea, she should be fired. Who cares what happens to the OM. This is about her. Second, she needs to begin to feel the consequences of her actions. She did wrong, and now she may have to pay the piper. Do not let her anger and blame on you affect how you handle what happens to her. She needs to hit bottom before she will ever begin to think about seriously working on her marriage. Right now her mind is clouded with emotions...anger, sadness, confusion. Missing from there is undying love for you. Missing from there is respect for you. These emotions are not going to just appear because you start saying the hospital is wrong for doing what I as a boss would have done to your W AND the OM if they broke a major rule. Your job is not to comfort your wife right now. Your job is to let your W's fantasy world self destruct and you need to be as far away from it as you can.
Again, no disrespect to Georgia Bulldog. I just disagree.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
If your wife gets fired after you internally jump for joy, this is what you need to do:
Immediately be super supportive of your wife and MAD at the hospital. How dare they fire her and let OM keep his job. He is the superior so if anyone gets fired it should be him. Then make an appointment at a lawyer and pursue suing the hospital for this. Sexual harassment, etc. Your lawyer can throw the book at them. The hospital doesn't care. They have insurance for this. They will pay up even if it's just a nuisance settlement. They will do whatever the doctors want and walk all over whomever they want and let their lawyers sort out the mess.
BUT....this is a huge opportunity for you to be on her side bonding with her in her anger at the hospital (and OM) for this huge injustice. You and her get to be a team against the hospital AND OM. Not only did OM dump her but he got her fired too. This would be the complete death nell of the affair and you get to step in an be the knight in shining armor coming to her emotional rescue.
I gotta chime and and say I disagree. Doesnt mean I am right but I disagree with the concept of siding with your wife for a 'bonding' moment. First, she likely broke the rules of the hospital, so yea, she should be fired. Who cares what happens to the OM. This is about her. Second, she needs to begin to feel the consequences of her actions. She did wrong, and now she may have to pay the piper. Do not let her anger and blame on you affect how you handle what happens to her. She needs to hit bottom before she will ever begin to think about seriously working on her marriage. Right now her mind is clouded with emotions...anger, sadness, confusion. Missing from there is undying love for you. Missing from there is respect for you. These emotions are not going to just appear because you start saying the hospital is wrong for doing what I as a boss would have done to your W AND the OM if they broke a major rule. Your job is not to comfort your wife right now. Your job is to let your W's fantasy world self destruct and you need to be as far away from it as you can.
Again, no disrespect to Georgia Bulldog. I just disagree.
I'm glad this discussion is taking place. I was rereading DR tonight and I wasn't sure what my approach towards W should be going forward. I know W views me as the scum of the earth and blames me for all of her problems. I know that any pursuit right now would be repulsive to W. Plus I don't know where things stand with OM.
Let's just assume W keeps her job, but even if she doesn't, I still feel like the best approach to take is one of LRT, GALing, 180s, and intense personal growth.
I have spoken with a L but I have intention of filing for D right now
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
"I realized that I can be argumentative and when I argue, I did it to win. I realized that I wasn't always super supportive with my W's career aspirations. I realized I wasn't helpful with the day to day housework. I realized that I spent all of my free time with our family but none cultivating our M. I realized I was neglectful of my W's basic needs to feel loved, valued, and cherished. I realized that I had lost interest in pursuits that I valued and made me attractive to W."
All of these "realizations" are nice, but what ACTIONS have you taken to change them? If you read the books, you should know that you need that list to follow as a plan of action. If you don't, then all of your exposure will be for nothing.
What is your list?
I wanted to reply now to Mrbond now that I've had some time to reflect...
*I don't want to be controlling in my relationships -stop trying to make my point at expense of hearing other's voice -stop saying the same thing over and over -will talk less and listen more -will just let go -will ask and listen for other's input
*I want to be less critical of others -stop analyzing other's words/actions looking for mistakes -will be on the lookout for positivity -will go out of my way to express appreciation -will focus on small victories
*I want to pursue more personal goals and hobbies -will make a daily effort to do something interesting or exciting -will spend more time with others who stimulate me -will spend more time doing things out of my comfort zone
*I want to show more support for orher's achievements and aspirations -will show genuine interest in other's goals and successes -will ask others for updates on said goals and successes -will volunteer my time to allow other to work towards achieving these items
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
That is good work Defacto. I think you will need to dig a little deeper on what you will need to do or not do in each of these situations, or how to flag the situation to yourself so you can change your response. Changing in this manner is the hardest part, b/c many people act on impulse.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
So I was in the bank parking lot sorting out our checking account and who pulls in but my W. We both agree that since we are there at the same time we might as well sign the paperwork to remove W from joint account. As we are sitting in waiting area, we make small talk and I am being cordial with W, even making a few jokes. A couple of times I even saw tears in her eyes as we waited or conversed pleasantly. I talked a little bit about my time with my L, etc.
This spoke to me. I made my X laugh at multiple mediation appointments, the signing of D paperwork, at the House REFI meeting, and multiple other meetings. I hate to discourage positive thought, but it did not help me in anyway that I know of.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
So I was in the bank parking lot sorting out our checking account and who pulls in but my W. We both agree that since we are there at the same time we might as well sign the paperwork to remove W from joint account. As we are sitting in waiting area, we make small talk and I am being cordial with W, even making a few jokes. A couple of times I even saw tears in her eyes as we waited or conversed pleasantly. I talked a little bit about my time with my L, etc.
This spoke to me. I made my X laugh at multiple mediation appointments, the signing of D paperwork, at the House REFI meeting, and multiple other meetings. I hate to discourage positive thought, but it did not help me in anyway that I know of.
Totally agree. Not reading anything into it. Just felt good to be myself. It helped set me at ease for the rest of the day
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
