You need to be proactive and protect yourself from this woman. Do you have a lawyer? I suggest you get one, and also be ready for more of her craziness. It's time to protect yourself from the legal action she will be taking against you. Stay calm, patient and proactive.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Mahhhty, Thanks for the concern. I did speak to a L a few months ago but it was just over the phone. I made an appointment for today to review my case with this same L. --- I know you guys warned me but my W's spew has been relentless. It got to be so much this morning I had to take a personal day from work. It has made me feel similar to the way I felt earlier in the sitch when I was really struggling personally. I need to just check myself and get back on track for me.
Right now, I just don't see how our M would ever recover from this. And with the nonsense she has been alleging about me right now I'm not so sure I want our M to recover.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Also, I texted OM's W this morning to see how she was doing. Until now, she hasn't replied. Do you think this is cause for concern?
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Also, I texted OM's W this morning to see how she was doing. Until now, she hasn't replied. Do you think this is cause for concern?
Always read back in your thread because sometimes my posts and others take awhile to get approved. I'm thankful for the job the mods do protecting this forum.
OM's wife just had her D~day yesterday so her priorities might not be communicating with you. Sometimes they over communicate sometimes they don't. Most likely she'll get back to you before this post even goes through. Remember, though, just share facts and don't try to help or counsel her and don't tell her about DB. This is your safe harbor.
I want to help you by putting your mind to ease. This is very normal typical behavior. So normal it's almost funny how predictable they behave when the truth is exposed. Your wife's reaction is no worse than many others I've seen that eventually recovered. In fact, the worse they behave the better indication it is that you were really in far worse shape than you thought AND the more obviously it is that you hit your intended target with a bullseye.
Let's put some of her comments into perspective:
If she really cared about OM's life and family that "you ruined their family" is questionable. Then why did she have an affair with OM? Affairs ruin marriages, not the truth and honesty.
The "nature of their relationship" needs explaining. I personally would have had a digital recording device with me (or an app recording my cell phone calls) wherein I would have ask my wife to please explain what she means when she says "the nature of our relationship" because you can bet that OM's wife and you both wouldn't be OK with that nature. My best guess is that she thinks "the nature of their relationship" is like soul mate kindred spirits that can't be together everyday right now because OM has small children at home and he needs to keep the secret until the kids are older, or he can get his ducks in a row and hide a bunch of money and THEN they can be together. Their plan was to steal moments to be together over the next few years which will be easier to do while she's on her own and await a day they can be together without hiding their love. In other words, she thinks it's a Magical Mystical Relationship and not some seedy sexual lustful relationship. THAT was the "nature of their relationship" which you probably destroyed by telling OM's wife.
She wanted emotion from you the other day, well she got some. Sometimes you can deconstruct their illogical complaints and use them to justify your own appropriate behavior. Something like:
"I thought long and hard about what you said the other day about me not being emotional and I decided to get in touch with my emotions and discovered that I was devastated about your affair and angry at OM for pursuing my wife. I had a couple of choices, I could either stop by your work and confront OM in the hospital in front of everyone OR talk to his wife. I choose that later, more measured reasonable less emotional approach. Besides, if you really cared about OM's family you wouldn't have had an affair with him. Affairs hurt marriages and families much more than simply telling his wife the truth about her life."
^mentioning showing up at work and confronting OM is genius here because wayward wives love sharing everything you say with their OMs. OM will take that comment as a serious threat to his safety because he inherently knows he deserves a beat down for what he's done and doing with your wife. Your wife will unwittingly be telling OM something against her best interests which will further motivate OM to dump your wife, quit his job and go home and work on his marriage without you ever having to really do anything. You are just playing on HIS fears.
I know this period [censored] but this IS progress. You are no longer a Serf waiting to see how the master (your wife) will behave and react. You are now the knight proactively fighting for you family. Sometimes you win and sometimes you don't. We can't predict what cases turn around and which don't but your odds have increased significantly just by being her at DB and being proactive.
As far as a meeting, put it off until sunday. The name of the game is delay, delay, delay. Instead of her rushing off to meet an attorney. Have her wait until sunday when she can "talk" to you. This gives her 3 days to calm down from a 10 to a 9 or 8 on the disgust scale and then you can drop your "I don't discuss divorce. I talk reconciliation. If you want to pursue a divorce that's all on you. I don't want any part in the destruction of our family". Hopefully, then she'll be too busy to meet with lawyers as the realization that OM isn't talking to her anymore will become her primary problem and not you.
On a different note ~~~ When you married, you became "One Flesh" with your wife. Any and all spirits that attack her are within you as well. This is spiritual warfare. Resist.
A SPOKEN Prayer for a Hedge of Protection:
Dear Father,
Thank you for the blessings you’ve bestowed on me. You are the protector, the truth and the light. In this time of need, my wife, whom I love, has been involved with a man who does not share the Christian values that we hold so dear. In your name I pray for a hedge around my wife and I and ask that you protect us from these evil forces that are at work in our lives. May you bless us and our family and keep us all safe in this time of need.
Amen
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Journaling: --- W just called to talk again about splitting up finances and why I wasn't ready to move forward. I told W that I think it's best for me to be patient, to think things through, and review what the best outcomes are for the kids, her, and I. W asked me how I was going to do that. I told W that I was meeting with L today. W replied by asking me if I wasn't going to split everything 50/50. I told W that it was my understanding that it worked that why but I wasn't sure. --- W then told me that her boss has already called her about the A at work. W told me that she's afraid she might lose her job. W tells me that it would be my fault if she did.
W asked me if I regretted my decision to tell OM's W. I responded by saying that I have thought about the decision a lot the past day.
W then told me that the sad part about all of this is that she actually has a date with another OM. I paused a bit and then told W that I do care about her and want the best for her and I love our children more than anything. Then I told W that those truths will guide my decisions going forward.
W wanted to keep talking but I told her that I needed to go and wished her a good day.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Are you being Mr Nice Guy? I believe it is time for you to be confident and strong. The A was her choosing, it is time she deals with the consequences that has on her life.
Its time for you to truly go LRT... You don't need to be at her disposal. Stop waking up at 2 AM to get her phone call. Sometimes the worst thing you can do is pick up the phone.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Journaling: --- W just called to talk again about splitting up finances and why I wasn't ready to move forward. I told W that I think it's best for me to be patient, to think things through, and review what the best outcomes are for the kids, her, and I. W asked me how I was going to do that. I told W that I was meeting with L today. W replied by asking me if I wasn't going to split everything 50/50. I told W that it was my understanding that it worked that why but I wasn't sure. --- W then told me that her boss has already called her about the A at work. W told me that she's afraid she might lose her job. W tells me that it would be my fault if she did.
W asked me if I regretted my decision to tell OM's W. I responded by saying that I have thought about the decision a lot the past day.
W then told me that the sad part about all of this is that she actually has a date with another OM. I paused a bit and then told W that I do care about her and want the best for her and I love our children more than anything. Then I told W that those truths will guide my decisions going forward.
W wanted to keep talking but I told her that I needed to go and wished her a good day.
If she loses her job =
1. It would be HER fault for violating an ethical standard set by the hospital forbidding inappropriate workplace relationships. Your telling OM's wife has nothing to do with her job or the rules of her job.
2. If she loses her job....it would absolutely give you a much better chance at recovering your marriage....in time.
Most likely she's bluffing about the job AND certainly, the date. She's very vested in punishing you for exposing because you hit the bullseye. She wants to dwell on this because, in her warped mind, it helps her justify and rationalize leaving you, divorcing you, hating you and believing you two could never work out. This will pass. Especially if the affair truly ends and even faster if she leaves that workplace.
The second OM comments are most likely just a further attempt to hurt you. Take it as an indication again that you've really hurt the affair. The more you hurt it....the madder they get. You've done well.
It's a good thing she's at her parents house. Seem to recall you saying they supported you. Might be a good time to call them and let them know you are doing OK and merely did what you think was right and what you fully expect and know their daughter would have done to you if you were the one cheating on her with a married work colleague. Don't blow it up more than it is. You did what you had to do. Redirect to more pressing problems....you can't take it back even if you wanted to.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
When W first mentioned S, I went bonkers trying to prove to her I could change just like everybody does. But I believe W is referring to a period after the A was discovered. In her mind W believes she was trying or that's how she justifying it. And by trying she means scheduling a date or asking to spend time alone with me or initiating physical contact. All of these only came about when I began to pull away. However, I didn't think it was appropriate to spend alone time with W if she was still involved with OM. A few times W would bring up our M and I told W that I would work on M 100% and put in all the necessary work as long as she would agree to NC with OM. On each occasion, she got defensive about OM and said that he was the only person she could talk to. I even proposed just dating each other for a month or two. W said she would think about it but never brought it up again.
Did I do something wrong here? If W was really serious about trying to work on M, why wouldn't she let OM go?
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
So I was in the bank parking lot sorting out our checking account and who pulls in but my W. We both agree that since we are there at the same time we might as well sign the paperwork to remove W from joint account. As we are sitting in waiting area, we make small talk and I am being cordial with W, even making a few jokes. A couple of times I even saw tears in her eyes as we waited or conversed pleasantly. I talked a little bit about my time with my L, etc.
About 10 minutes later, the clerk called us in and we completed the paperwork. When we were done, I walked W to her car and wished her a good day.
I know it doesn't mean anything but what a coincidence.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
