Zelda09 - Me again, the wannabe Simon Cowell of marriage counseling. So I'll tell you straight: what I see in your future is a new partner that will be so different, so much better than your H that you will wonder why you ever wanted to be with him. You're learning a lot and just your presence here shows how much you care about being a better person. If you now think you were the wrong one, it's because he's been gaslighting you (making you doubt reality with his lies). From what you wrote us, he's the aggressor and blames you for his reactions. As someone with kids, and five years on you, I envy you to be able to make a fresh start. Plus, you seem very hot, given that neighbor story! I laughed. Anyway, the hardest part is now: letting go. Remember: you want someone who will say "Fcuk yes, Zelda!"
By the way, thanks a lot to you, Vanilla and all the others who talk about abuse. For anyone who's been dumped by a disillusioned spouse, it's interesting to put our role in the M dynamics in perspective.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza, Zephyr, TLEE - thanks gents. Feeling better today, a good session with my counselor that will help change my focus from feeling sorry for myself to something more productive.
I do not believe my H will be looking for something in me -that would require a genuine connection that existed only in my mind. Tlee, I gotta say, your story of realizing 5-6 months later is further and further out of the realm of possibility for the H I see now without his mask.
I do believe a partner that will give equal effort and support is in my future. And no, Mozza, lol, I wouldn't consider myself particularly hot, my friendly neighbor baffles me. I'm petite, muscular, look like Claire Forlani if she had a captain america jawline. I drink Oatmeal Stout, Zephyr. Porters and Browns, too.
I saw my IC tonight, the one that saw us since Nov for MC...told her about the breakfast and she had some interesting insights.
She said that I was trying too hard to make sense out of something that is not possible to understand, still searching to blame myself somehow. I asked her how to stop thinking and she said I couldn't but encouraged me not to do the Sheldon (3rd rock) algorithm trying to makes sense out of this crap.
But she talked with me anyway about trying to resolve H from her perspective, which was impartial at one point.
That my H has swept most things under his own rug and she saw that he would twist and twist and twist until he could come to something that made sense to him that he could stick with.
That in her estimation, he was still playing the same old game we'd played since the year we first started dating - he crosses the line, I protest, threaten break up but tell him how much I love him, leave a road back, after enough twisting, I relent and apologize for my part in provoking him, he has deep thoughts and finally recognizes his actions and apologizes, we talk about how to resolve in the future and we're back together.
The difference this time was that I didn't apologize. She felt he was banking on me breaking down and that's the only reason he let it go on for two hours when he was so intent on being out living his life. (You know what is funny? When she said that, I felt a sting of hope, like oh my goodness, I could have turned that around! I need to look at why I am still trying to convince this man to be with me. I would have never guessed my head was this messed up.)
That it's easy for him to claim he's not interested in thinking about things so that his actions past and present have a little wiggle room in them - after all, if he thought about things and still stood behind them, that's another matter for him to look in the mirror with - and it leaves no room to have any revelations and come to understanding with me if he should so choose later.
She still feels he's sabotaged everything and that I got played. She does not believe that he was legitimately trying in our M when he came back because of the things he would say in our sessions about not having the energy to work at our R right now. That he strung me along enough until he could support himself out there. Putting his ring on. Making some efforts and saying pretty things.
Whether or not he knows his own game, she said she's not sure, but there are signs he's still trying to stay connected to my life through the people he's asking out for beers, the random acts of kindness to those around my employment situation...and she can't help me make sense out of why he suddenly backed out at the notary, but says his long game might not have an objective, he might be toying to toy, because it's what he does. (Mozza, I think of your velociraptors.) But she's sickened. This is as much of her own opinion she's ever offered, finding his manipulation she witnessed in session, plus the transcript of breakfast combined with his previous 'I'm not willing to see her point of view' statements just kind of sickening overall.
The calm, rational, I'm better adjusted than you rhythm of his voice, with statements that make absolutely no sense or contradict each other in three different directions. Big words but claiming low reading comprehension. For a guy that was terrified to drive only a month earlier...I watched him speed around a parking lot and pull into a spot like Dale Earnhardt before breakfast. I shouldn't take it personal, but I think of the long days I put in and how he just couldn't help with the errands...I feel like puking.
She says my biggest goal is to do some soul searching to figure out why this game has been so intoxicating to me for so long, why I wanted to play it, why I pushed to marry it even. She told me I did some good work on trying to digest my emotions, that she heard a lot less generalized judgment and anger from me, and now I needed to recognize my tendency to retreat into a monotone and start looking to express myself with some vibrancy. That I had plenty of emotions, despite what my H claimed, but I hid them under a very calm exterior.
I wonder if I was as monotone and impassive before my H met me. I know I was as a teenager coming out of the abuse with my dad. I wonder if I ever broke through it only to return.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
I just struggle to see my H as a narc. Manipulative, yes. but the thing with narcs I thought was an over exaggerated sense of self confidence, big ego, every convo has to be about them. Overly self-important. This was none of my H. I question everything. Was yours mellow like this? There's just so much out there about narcissism, idk of the label is so wide reaching when ppl are just jerks. My bestie described H as non violent psychopath. Other words that have since been used to describe him: spooky, immature, definitely off, not half way normal, maybe mentally ill, charmer.
Did he have empathy? Yes. His eyes watered a bit listening to me, even at breakfast. Despite his claims of not caring or wanting to think. He was always crying actually, big emotional swells, but I have a nagging feeling about that - like anger was the biggest, everything else was calm, except for a sometimes childish mania or anxiety. Kind to animals. Seemed thoughtful, very. It was one of the things I loved about him.
Even if he was/isn't narc, did/didn't have episode - I could never trust him again.
Gg, what outcome in your sitch do you stand hoping for?
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
While neither of them might be true narcs, the whole pattern of blame etc the dance fits. In the beginning I stood hoping for things to get better, but my h just wanted to be proven right. So he kept moving the script and story to fit the facts.
He's still with ow, and it's been well over a year. Best Intel says she was around for upto 6 months before that.
The whole making the fight yours to fix totally my h way of doing things, but untill it was swept under a rug with no solution and the fight dynmics was the problem. It kept going round and round. H was very invested It keeping it going. He did make it my job to fix it all and always.
Yes, I have also gotten to that point where after all the stuff hitting s17 and the things h did to me, which were no light matters I could not trust him again. The ow is just the last straw, not her specifically but the fact h felt entitled to dump us and go on a happiness search.
We all know there is no happiness out there points and waves into the distance... Lol
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
The love bombing and good times keeps you playing the odds for the poker machine pay off ( someone else's description whom I forgot to credit them with).
We get addicted and the pay off get further out, but we know it's coming so we keep playing the odds. Trauma bonding also makes the bond stonger thus harder to let go.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Yes, it's not ours to judge, but those behaivours fit.
I see my words in your words. I see my life in your life. It only gets worse when the other party indulges in narc behaviours. They will go a long way to prove thier script and mask right, they do not do it out of self worth and belief they are good but quite the reverse so no one sees them as bad, or sees the real them.
It's about protecting the outward facing mask that covers all the pain and uncertainty. The lack of character depth. Mine will make sure that no one believes the ow was his mistress, his narc image is he is loyal honnest and faithful. None of which is true, to confront that ugly truth even with 2 failled r! It's not going to happen.
H family even willing and knowing according to him, partipate in his r with ow.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
I'm sorry for your pain, Gg. I can only imagine - I know - how it is to want to scream to the world what is really going on.
I've had moments today where I've considered if I was emotionally abusive, myself. I see it pre BD, man I was harsh and aggressively disappointed. Not when he came home tho. Maybe he just never trusted me deep down and maybe we've bern messing with each other a long time.
I see that I am still trying to blame me. My head is a mess.
It seems inhuman, what he did, his smug coolness this last month, the guise of wanting his happiness and mine too, and how at peace he seems with the decision he claims to have not thought of. The parts of him that aren't congruent. If he isn't rotten, than I am, to have driven him to this. That is what all my chewing and ruminating is about. Because there are so many wonderful memories and parts of my STBX I believed in. I know I shouldn't be trying to think in black and white, but I can't wrap my head around this being an understandable outcome otherwise.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
And yes I want to warn h victims whom he takes full advantage of, but that's his to own.
Sane as your h, his behaiovur is his. It takes a long while to turn stuff onto what your doing and stopping engaging and playing his role, without thought.
What did you do that kept you traped?
I can see it, but often still I do those same things with others it's why habbits are hard to change.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
