MY STORY IS UGLY BUT AT LEAST IM LEARNING

[MrBond]

Have you ordered the DB or DR books yet?

One other thing I have to ask is... when you were carrying on your A's, how many of them were there? How long of a period was this?

When you carried them out, did you act entitled or did you feel sorry after?

And of course, the most honest question you have to ask yourself... Why would your W want to stay with you if you betrayed her trust so many times in the past? I mean you haven't really "changed". It sounds like you're just scared because now she's getting some self respect for her after years of abuse by you.

[parker7]

Toots:
Great insight and questions. I understand your feelings about what I did to my W. My intent is that whether I get my W back or not I will never do this to anyone else. I have been in weekly counseling since January working on myself. I know many of the reasons why I did what I did including rejection and affection issues as a child. That being said it does not excuse my behavior and if my W leaves Me I will continue to love her and respect her the best I can understanding my actions caused her to disconnect and to find OM.
Lastly, I hit bottom last fall when I watched her disconnect and I lost my best friend. It really got my attention and I started to make major changes but it was late in the game. I didn't find out about the OM until mid January.

[parker7]

Mr Bond:
I have not gotten those books yet. I am doing coaching.
Do you know if they have these books availeable on iTunes or audio?
Also, my wife has every reason to leave. I don't want her to but I understand if she does. She forgave me over and over again.
Yes, I hit bottom 5 months ago when she disconnected and I lost her emotionally.
It woke me up. I have made huge permenant changes including identifying many things through weekly therapy and spiritual counsel and awakening. Ultimately I will continue with my life change even if she leaves which it appears she will.
I always had guilt with the A's now I have even more as I realize the perm damage I have done to my W, my Son and my family.

[MrBond]

"Do you know if they have these books availeable on iTunes or audio?"

I'm not sure, but you MUST get the books in order to understand the concepts and actions we will be suggesting to you.

"Also, my wife has every reason to leave. I don't want her to but I understand if she does. She forgave me over and over again."

You never answered my questions. When you were carrying on your A's, how many of them were there? How long of a period was this? We need specifics.

"Yes, I hit bottom 5 months ago when she disconnected and I lost her emotionally.
It woke me up. I have made huge permenant changes including identifying many things through weekly therapy and spiritual counsel and awakening."

First of all, be honest with yourself. Your changes aren't "permanent". In fact, you only started changing 5 months ago and had repeated A's. That's hardly enough time to say that something is permanent. And the only reason why you felt that way is because she finally had enough sense to leave. If she didn't, you would have continued on your own selfish ways. You have to be brutally honest with yourself to see that.

"Ultimately I will continue with my life change even if she leaves which it appears she will."

This is you feeling sorry for yourself. Sorry but maybe if you had one A but not multiple ones. You didn't respect her or your son.

"I always had guilt with the A's now I have even more as I realize the perm damage I have done to my W, my Son and my family."

I don't think so. I think you liked the attention and continued to see what you could get away with. You might have even prided yourself on how many times you were able to get away with it.

Be honest here with us. It's the only way you're going to make it through.

When you had your A's, did you come out and confess them on your own or did you only do it because you were caught? Who were these women? Detail your exploits here in as much detail as you can. That will help us to see patterns.

Also, detail your whole marital history. How things were at the beginning, what changes happened, etc. The more detailed you are the better.

And last but not least, answer this question honestly - Why would your W want to stay with you if you betrayed her trust so many times in the past? I mean you haven't really "changed". It sounds like you're just scared because now she's getting some self respect for her after years of abuse by you.

[parker7]

Mr Bond:

You are correct 5 months is not enough to prove permenant change. Yes, she did get my attention by finding OM and disconnecting. You are right if this did not happen I would have continued. I certainly did disrespect my W and son over and over again.

My A's started in the first 6 months of marriage. Some were caught others were not. I had 10 physical/emotional affairs and several online. Some lasted as long as a year others were one nighters. I did like the attention of the A's yes. But again I did feel guilty but not enough to stop. I did get caught a lot, I was not careful but several did not get found out. I never outright admitted any of the A's.
Most of the women were acquaintces through work or school.

Lastly, and I will write more tommorow. My wife should not trust me or want to stay with me. It will take a long time to rebuild trust. I do love her and care for her deeply even though I never acted like it. I will certainly have to think on this one hard as I am at a real loss for words as to why she should stay.

[Zues126]

parker...I'm glad you're here.

I think you know what you've done is truly devastating. It's one of those things where you're not suddenly going to make a PR apology and everyone is going to love you. The damage you caused is so vast that it's not easy for anyone to get on a "parker is so great" campaign trail. And there are consequences to what you've done that an apology can't retract. Whether your M is gone for good, or just permanently scarred. What's done is done.

That said, I do appreciate that you have been so open. Believe it or not I'm not (and I don't think anyone else is) judging you. It's not about "bad parker". It's about coaching to what needs to be done for you to have a shot at achieving your goals: Permanent change, potential for healthy M, potential for that to be with WAW.

I agree that your worst enemy is to think you've changed. There is a big difference between someone that has avoided a certain behavior and someone that has truly altered themselves, their desires, their self image, their way of thinking, etc, to the point they don't operate with similar patterns.

I've never had an affair but I've used porn for 20 years. I can't describe how entangled it has been with how I view sex, relationships, my needs, and more. And that's the hard part. The "easy" part would be to stop using porn. And that in itself is the most difficult thing I've dealt with. Yes, I "quit" porn for 3 months immediately after BD when I thought I could somehow "behave" my way out of D. Once it became clear I couldn't bargain my way back into my M I went right back to it. Now I'm trying again for ME. But trust me, I don't feel comfortable at all. I still live in fear that I can't win this one, that I'll never be good relationship material, that I'll hurt the ones I love and isolate myself in the process.

You will be dealing with a lot of guilt, and a lot of embarrassment. Don't let your ego get in the way, don't get defensive, don't give up. The person you were and are will be beaten down and destroyed, torn apart. It will be painful. But the good news is that you don't want to be that person forever. You DO want to take the good from that person and rebuild it inside of a better foundation with healthier attitudes. You'll have your personality, your memories...but don't cling to things that destroyed your family. Let it go and trust that even as you feel attacked, we know your spiritual self is in there waiting to bloom into a strong man.

Now the pep talk is over and the very, very, very difficult work begins. Keep posting regularly, see your IC, read the books carefully. Continue to be very open about your frustrations with this. It may seem "safer" to act compliant, but only by voicing your inner conflicts and getting blasted for them can you start to get good perspective on where you're wired differently than many others. Know that with each reply you get that makes your heart sting, you are probably one step closer to your goal.

[Starsky309]

parker...I'm glad you're here.

I think you know what you've done is truly devastating. It's one of those things where you're not suddenly going to make a PR apology and everyone is going to love you. The damage you caused is so vast that it's not easy for anyone to get on a "parker is so great" campaign trail. And there are consequences to what you've done that an apology can't retract. Whether your M is gone for good, or just permanently scarred. What's done is done.

That said, I do appreciate that you have been so open. Believe it or not I'm not (and I don't think anyone else is) judging you. It's not about "bad parker". It's about coaching to what needs to be done for you to have a shot at achieving your goals: Permanent change, potential for healthy M, potential for that to be with WAW.

I agree that your worst enemy is to think you've changed. There is a big difference between someone that has avoided a certain behavior and someone that has truly altered themselves, their desires, their self image, their way of thinking, etc, to the point they don't operate with similar patterns.

I've never had an affair but I've used porn for 20 years. I can't describe how entangled it has been with how I view sex, relationships, my needs, and more. And that's the hard part. The "easy" part would be to stop using porn. And that in itself is the most difficult thing I've dealt with. Yes, I "quit" porn for 3 months immediately after BD when I thought I could somehow "behave" my way out of D. Once it became clear I couldn't bargain my way back into my M I went right back to it. Now I'm trying again for ME. But trust me, I don't feel comfortable at all. I still live in fear that I can't win this one, that I'll never be good relationship material, that I'll hurt the ones I love and isolate myself in the process.

You will be dealing with a lot of guilt, and a lot of embarrassment. Don't let your ego get in the way, don't get defensive, don't give up. The person you were and are will be beaten down and destroyed, torn apart. It will be painful. But the good news is that you don't want to be that person forever. You DO want to take the good from that person and rebuild it inside of a better foundation with healthier attitudes. You'll have your personality, your memories...but don't cling to things that destroyed your family. Let it go and trust that even as you feel attacked, we know your spiritual self is in there waiting to bloom into a strong man.

Now the pep talk is over and the very, very, very difficult work begins. Keep posting regularly, see your IC, read the books carefully. Continue to be very open about your frustrations with this. It may seem "safer" to act compliant, but only by voicing your inner conflicts and getting blasted for them can you start to get good perspective on where you're wired differently than many others. Know that with each reply you get that makes your heart sting, you are probably one step closer to your goal.

Great post, Zues. A lot of wisdom in there ^^^.





Starsky

[parker7]

WW just emailed me this without asking or prompting:

"As far as my plans, I still intend to let you have the house, I just have to make sure things are set for a place for me to go to that's why I'm still there. I hope that's ok."

My reply:

"As far as your plans; I am very sorry you feel that you need to move out, I do not feel that way. You can stay at our house for as long as you want or need to, but of course you are free to leave whenever you want to go."

Thoughts?

[MrBond]

My thought is that she wants a totally new life away from you and start from scratch.

You say that you've been cheating on her since practically day 1 and you've been married for 19 years. It's not hard to see why she wants to cleanse herself from you. Seriously, can you honestly predict that in a month's time or more that you won't be cheating again?

When you were carrying on your A's, how did you treat your W? Again, you have to give us specific details. Start from the beginning and how you started straying. Were you tired of her? Not wanting to be married? Don't wait for us to keep asking you questions. You have to be the one to give us specifics.

You can save this and like Zeus said, it's going to take alot of work on your part. Because of your long history of infidelity, the quicker we cut through the BS the quicker it will be to create a plan.

And READ THE BOOKS.

[parker7]

Mr. Bond,

I get that she wants a new life. I would too. I cannot promise that I would never do this again. But what I can do is dig deeper and try harder than I ever have before to figure out why Ive done this over and over again and to continue to seek help from others including my counselor to start the repair process of myself. I know that I will have to do some major work on myself and it will take a lifetime commitment. I really want to continue to work on this once and for all and not quit. I know its a verrrrry big long shot to get my W back. I also do not want to do this to another relationship or hurt my son anymore than I already have.
When I was carrying on my A's I was moody. Angry, controlling, on edge, I did not treat my W well or my son. My W also said sometimes I was hypersexual and even fun during the A's more so than when I was not. W also said that there were big highs and low lows in our relationship but never felt as though we were on cruise. The biggest problem I had outside of the A's (which is enough) was that I was very controlling and actually insecure. I realize this now.
I never felt that I was tired of my W and never left. But I did come close with a couple of the A's that I became very attached to. My first A was with a co-worker. It started innocently and grew to physical quickly. This occurred within the first year of my marriage. I almost walked away from the marriage, my wife begged me to stay and I did. It became easier for me after the first. I had less guilt and less inner conflict especially as time when on and I did this over and over again. The A's made me feel good, at times I felt as though I would never get caught and that she would never leave me. However, I did feel some guilt, especially when caught and I saw what it did to my wife. Very selfishly hurting my wife over and over again was never enough for me to stop what I was doing. Again I was caught in most of my A's by my W. I never came out and confessed them.