Tooting Marvellous!

[Vanilla]

Toots

A journey not a destination.

Fences are designed for leaning against and sitting on sometimes.

V

[gan]

I've been reading on other threads how it is best not to even think of your WAH as your H. I get why, but I struggle with that. Even though I'm leading a pretty full and happy life without him, I still think of him as my H. But I accept the point. He has had a whole R with someone else in the past year.....so he may very well not see himself as my H at all. Am I just struggling to accept reality? IDK....

I'm with you there, Toots. I find it particularly difficult to know whether or not to tell H about possible big decisions. Like if I decided to up and move to Tanzania permanently say But I think this is a byproduct of DBing. Without it I think we'd be more inclined to accept that it's done and move on. I fear DBing once very separated (like we are) prolongs the process and keeps us holding on.

[rd500]

Hi Toots I hope your ok and having a great day. I was reflecting today on a few things and you came to mind a couple of times. My job involves me chatting to a lot of people The telephone calls are often short but I am able to draw people out of themselves and I really enjoy the interaction . today I was dealing with a lady in Warrington We were talking about 7 plts of dye and the lady told me that the office was closing early due to a death in the owners family We got chatting about life and it's fragility and I mentioned that you had to enjoy each day and take it as it comes We joked about my zen like thoughts and I told her that I had a friend in the uk going through a seperation with her H (TOOTS ) and how strong she was and took the time to help others The lady on the phone said I was lucky to know someone with such strength as it can be very rare to find , the lady then asked if you were a childhood friend as I spoke so warmly of you.

Toots , you are amazing , I stick to a few posters on here a I try to offer support to those in a similar sitch or who have shown an interest in mine. It's very rare that I post or even read on a sitch where you have not been posting As you know I have a few great friends on this site ( and a couple of potential hot dates) and I intend to single them all out at some stage

Thank you Toots. I feel I have become a decent father and man and you have supported me the whole way Your kind words have lifted me when I've be down , your suggestions and advice have guided me when I was lost and your constant support and prompt posting has kept me going when I feel all hope is gone

I follow your sitch daily and often feel your way to good for your H but I do understand it's your H and you love him Your strength facing your BD was and is amazing. If their is such a thing as Karma then Toots is in for a fantastic future , you are a model of DBing and life will be good to you

Thanks again so much for the kindness and support. You are a special person and im always going to remember Toots as term for kindness and strength.

One of your many online friends. Rd. xx

[Sotto]

Thanks DLS and Jim. I'll try thinking of him that way - someone else's boyfriend. That may help. I know I'm GALing in many ways, but I want to work more on detachment. I still hold a little place in my heart, and I think that's okay. But I think I need to try and let go more.I'm still attached to the outcome of him responding to me, and it would be good if I could let that go.

Gan, I don't know if it DBing that keeps us attached. Is it just that we need to work on detachment more? Alpha, thanks for your kind comments. Yes, I do have a pretty full life now, and maybe I just need to focus on that. I do feel I clawed my way up to here from despair and trauma. And I won't give up on the life I have built lightly. I can see that if H wanted to try again, but seemed not to have done the work, I just wouldn't be that interested. V, maybe I'll be the one sitting on the fence sometime soon..

RD, thanks so much for your kind words, which made me cry again. I've been watching Brene Brown on TED tonight. She's well worth a watch - but I feel a bit vulnerable now. Had a nice time with SS and his Mum. His Mum is kind of keen to discuss how I feel about things, but I managed to deflect a couple of pertinent questions. I'll be seeing them again tomorrow....

Thanks all for kindly posting - you guys are great! X

[edz]

Hi (((((Toots)))))

Just keep hanging in there, if all this has told me anything its how fast things change and jump into a new direction (todays ...interesting.... events are over in my thread)

Who knows where we will all end up, the destination like many childhood car trips which were hot cramped noisy and unpleasant are often what we remember over the destination we eventually got to. I have my hopes on where my destination lays but I know this journey has made me a much better father and person than I have been in many years.

I hope your destination is a happy one, where you want to be and will feel fulfilled but also look out the window on the journey and note what a fantastic person Toots is right now, at this second

Take it easy

Edz

[Pink17]

Hi Toots,

In my view it has two different directions:
1. Legally, he will be your H until the D is final and signed by both of you. Very clear, while the D is off the table, then you are married to each other. So anything related to the law side of the R, it will compromise one or the other. At least it is like this here in the US.

2. Emotionally it gets more complicated, if you still love him and wants to get back into the R, then you keep yourself pretty much M to him at all times. When and if you start detaching from him, then you are not so attached to the M values.

DBing is one crazy and very difficult thing to do at the beginning of the separation because we are mentally and emotionally attached to the spouse. Once we start developing our own independent life again, things start getting easier.

As you detach, you get stronger in your life because you are not so fragile regarding the R hurt, pain. And if you both decide to go back to the M, it will be in a totally different R. It will never be the same, you learned a lot, he learned some more and it will just be a whole new R and M.

It's very difficult to let go and to hope in the same time. The love game designed in DB is extremely directed to human beings and their actions and reactions related to their feelings. That's why it is important to create a plan, to analyze the circumstances, to think before you say, to listen more then talk.

There were, are and will always be some great power involved in actions that trigger different feeling in human beings and create a reaction. Like "contempt" - for some reason it has some power in the love zone. Sometimes, I think that DBing is quite like this, contempt. You kind of move on, don't get yourself worked out because of the WAS anymore, you don't call, don't contact at all, when you see them you don't show your emotions, it does not bother you if they are there or not.

And this is precisely what can (maybe) bring them back. It's when you say enough that they will maybe pay attention you are there somewhere.

It's complicated, it's amazing how human beings are so complex.

Love,
Pink

[Sotto]

Thanks Edz and Pink. Edz, I will try and remember what you say - not that I am fantastic, but that I am enough - as Berne Brown would say. I have felt so emotional since watching her TED talks. I do think I carry feelings of shame with me - not even about anything specific - but a general feeling that 'flawed me' isn't somehow good enough. And, as Brown explains - being vulnerable means we connect more with others. I think I often put up a bit of a wall and just present myself as I think others want me to be - rather than just accepting myself and being authentic. It's something to look at, and I ordered one of Brown's books last night.

And Pink, thanks for your thought too. Even HXW called him my ex-husband today...

I didn't manage to deflect the questions from SS's Mum this morning, and we had a very emotional morning. She and he said that me being in their lives has made such a difference and they want us to stay in touch - to be at his wedding and be a grandparent. They call me his 'other Mum.' Since I have been gone, he said that he notices all the things I used to do for him, that he didn't really appreciate until suddenly they just stopped being done. He said his Dad doesn't seem to notice stuff that needs doing, and I would always notice and look after things.

I said one of the things I regret was being a bit of a control freak, and an anxious step mum. I wished I had just relaxed a bit more & had some more fun time. He said I did get on his nerves sometimes, but he always knew it was in his best interests. I told them that I struggled with the fact that I just left and 'abandoned the family.' And they said they didn't see it that way at all.

SS knows that the house is going to be sold soon, and says he will be glad because he won't have to see his Dad so much as he'll be further away. He said he sees his Dad less now, as his Dad is away more. We had a chat about how important it is to have a R with both your Mum & Dad, even if there are times when that feels harder, and you have to work at it more. I told him that I always thought he and his Dad had a special bond.

It was kind of good to have the convo, and may help to lay some things to rest for us all. But I had always resisted, as I hadn't wanted SS to have to handle my grief...I think I would have been okay were it not for Berne Brown. They have headed home now - but it was a nice visit. I'm going to regroup and head out to the bookstore for a couple of hours. Hopefully, I'll feel calmer after that...

Hope you are all having a good day x

[rd500]

Sounds like an emotional day but a nice one. Take care. Rd

[Pink17]

Hi Toots,

How emotional. It would shake any person that has such good feelings as you have. It amazes me that you have such close R with your H's X and son.

I see your change in emotions to be more detachment. We are in this situation for about the same time and I can feel in myself that I am letting it go a little more.

I don't know if it is good or bad, but I stopped blaming myself as much and start seeing the damage that is being done by my irresponsible H.

It's sad that we need to hear such harsh words from a child, but this is what this man is doing. He is hurting a lot of people.

Hope you had a good time at the book store. You deserve to feel good. So work on yourself. Try to find out the reasons for that shame you talked about.

Remember that you will be OK. Try to picture a year or two from now. It will be a whole different game.

((((((((Toots)))))))))

XOXO
Pink

[Sotto]

Thanks Pink -yes, HXW has been kind since BD. And I'm glad to keep in touch with SS without having 'family time' with H. It must be bit weird for him that his two X's meet up and are on friendly terms. HXW told me that - whatever happens I'm stuck with them both now.

I feel sad for SS though. He and his dad have always been close, and I feel that H just isn't really there for him right now. He will also miss his friends from our MH, and doesn't know anyone in the city. But I guess all of that is H's problem. I'm just responsible for my R with SS. It was nice though yesterday - when we had all hugged and said goodbye, he was about to get in the car, and rushed back for another hug.

I was at the bookstore this morning, which is always fun. This afternoon, I worked from home on a course I'm doing, then I was Mum-sitting early evening. Just back an hour or so ago and catching up on the boards.

Yes, I would say I do and I don't feel detached. In a practical sense, I detached right away and removed myself from the situation. I have also built up a life here that I am/would be quite happy living. And to an extent I'm more emotionally detached. In a way, I can't even imagine being M to H. But in another way, I'm not yet ready to file for D because then he would just be free to M someone else. That's the bit I need to work on - truly letting him go - it's a work in progress.

Have a good weekend! T x