Wayward Wife and the Way of LRT

[mahhhty]

You are going to be lying to someone, either your W, telling her you didn't meet the OM W or the OM W who you already told you wouldn't say anything to your W.

That seems problematic.

And I'm with Mr Bond. You were proactive, and you have an impending hurricane, but what have you done about you?

[Defacto]

Mr. Bond,
I know, I know but small victories.

To answer your question, I have taken the past few months to take stock of where I and out relationship went off course.

I realized that I can be argumentative and when I argue, I did it to win. I realized that I wasn't always super supportive with my W's career aspirations. I realized I wasn't helpful with the day to day housework. I realized that I spent all of my free time with our family but none cultivating our M. I realized I was neglectful of my W's basic needs to feel loved, valued, and cherished. I realized that I had lost interest in pursuits that I valued and made me attractive to W.

I know the worst could be still to come...

[Defacto]

W just called me three times the last hour. I let the first two go to vm. I finally answered the third call.

W was crying, said she was afraid of taking D4 to a birthday party on Saturday. W said all the friends who hated her would be at the party. And that all these friends think she's a bad person because they only know half the story.

Based on GB's advice, I decided to change my approach a bit.

I told W that I know how the fear can be paralyzing. I told W that I thought she was a good person, I was proud of her career accomplishments, and happy she found a strong voice. W responded by saying, "Why couldn't you have said that when were together?"

I replied by saying that I have had the privilege the last few months to reflect on the ways I failed in our M. W thanked me for saying that and acknowledged how hard it must be for me to say that.

W then said she was afraid of her own thoughts. (She has alluded to suicidal thoughts multiple times before). I told W that I think she should talk to IC. I told W that the kids need her and I want her to be happy. I ttold W that I knew how she felt and how scary those thoughts are. W said she wished these friends could see how they treated her and what that caused W to do. I told W that these friends love our family.

W then mentioned that she wished I could go to birthday party with her. I didn't respond because I knew that would send the wrong message to W if I agreed to go together.

When W had calmed down a bit, I told her I had to get back to work.
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Obviously, OM's wife hasn't made her move yet. I thought it wise to get in some good PR before the stuff hits the fan with my W.

[Defacto]

Mahhhty,
Solid point about having to lie to someone. I understood my agreement with OM's W that I wouldn't tell my W first. I fully intend to tell my W the truth if she asks me about it however. And I'm pretty sure she will no matter what story OM's W tells OM.

[MrBond]

"I realized that I can be argumentative and when I argue, I did it to win. I realized that I wasn't always super supportive with my W's career aspirations. I realized I wasn't helpful with the day to day housework. I realized that I spent all of my free time with our family but none cultivating our M. I realized I was neglectful of my W's basic needs to feel loved, valued, and cherished. I realized that I had lost interest in pursuits that I valued and made me attractive to W."

All of these "realizations" are nice, but what ACTIONS have you taken to change them? If you read the books, you should know that you need that list to follow as a plan of action. If you don't, then all of your exposure will be for nothing.

What is your list?

[Defacto]

So W called me tonight and asked if somehow screenshots got out of the text messages I uncovered back in January between her and OM. I asked her what she meant. W told me that OM's W confronted OM and mentioned some text messages.

I told W that I talked with OM's W today. And then she flips out.

"Why would I do that?"
"You didn't understand the nature of our relationship"
"Those TM's were 4 months old."
"You're destroying another person's life/family."

I told W I did it because OM's W needed to know and I did it for our family.

Then W proceeds to tell me that I destroyed our family long before this happened. W says that I never tried to work on M when she was trying. I replied by saying how could we work on M when you were involved with OM. I reminded her that I told her I was willing to work on M as long as she agreed to NC. W then repeats that I didn't understand nature of her relationship with OM, etc.

Then W proceeds to threaten me and says she will fight for full custody of kids because I'm untrustworthy, etc. Expectedly, W blames all of this on my decision to tell OM's W.

W tells me that our M is definitely over and she will be filing for D. I tell W that I do not want a D and that she will have to initiate it.
---
Later, W calls and begins asking for all my basic stats so she can file the divorce paperwork. I comply and am very casual on phone, even joking around with W. Then W starts asking for account numbers and I ask her if we can finish this up some other time. W agrees.
---
Wow, is this a pretty common response to telling OM's W? My W seems pretty serious and determined.

What should my next step be?

[Defacto]

Bond,
In response to your question, I have begun to reread DR tonight to make sure I am on point. Thanks for keeping me focused.

I will go through and make sure I am doing what I can to improve myself in these areas.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

Very typical. I told you above you'd most likely regret it in the very near future. You've messed with her crack pipe and she doesn't like it.

Your marriage can survive her anger. It won't survive her continuing to see and work with a cheating married man every day whether they are still "dating" or not.

Most likely your wife is about to get dumped. She FEELS she needs to file immediately to both punish you and make sure OM knows SHE is committed. This is full on affair panic mode and where weak men like OM crumble. Your wife is desperate to put the affair back in the box. Too late. You crushed that today by being proactive.


Also...be ready for it. OM is in spin mode. He is going to TRY to convince his wife that you are some crazy vindictive jealous husband of a woman he works closely with and he's just being nice to because she (your wife) is being abused by you. He (and maybe your wife) will collaborate to try to say you doctored the stuff you showed her and it's all a fabrication. OM's wife loves her husband and will desperately WANT to believe him.

Good job being calm tonight.

[Defacto]

I should've known it was a mistake to answer a call from W at 2am.
W says she can't sleep and everybody she has talked to said what I did was psychotic and abusive.

Huh? What?

Then W tells me that D4 hates me and is afraid to stay with me.
W asks me why D4 would hate me so much?

(I have seen no evidence of this other than D4 acting out and screaming that she misses her mommy right after W drops her off)

I tell W that what she says it hurtful and untrue. Then I disconnect the call.
---
Then W tries calling 3 times why I write this.
---
I can see where W is headed with this now. Any advice?
I have never or would never hurt my children. Why would W say this?

[Defacto]

W tried to call a few more times last night. Didn't answer. I knew all that was on the other end was anger and abuse.

W sends text this morning that basically says:
-we need to sort things out asap so we both can move on
-W only interested in a professional relationship
-any ideas about amicable separation are off table
-we can if I want to attempt this/sorting out finances on our own
-we can take care of biz, sign papers, and move on
-W wants to know asap this morn or she will be speaking with L today

Here is the text I plan to send:
"Good morning W. I am not ready to sign the papers yet. If you feel that you need to speak with a lawyer, I understand."