After I had come to the realization that I no longer felt that connection either, the push-pull dynamic kicked in and her rhetoric and attitude changed significantly.
A couple of nights ago I came home from taking D11 out and she had apparently had some sort of epiphany; she realized how much she missed and needed me after all. She wanted to really jump in to rebuilding our marriage. She had regained her respect and attraction for me, apparently. My reaction was less than enthusiastic.
This shift in the dynamics is exactly what I wanted for the two of you. When the LBH finally drops the emotional rope he had looped around her.....she knows it is for real. Now she is feeling what she should have been feeling two months ago.
Your emotions have battle fatigue. They have been shot down and beaten up so many times until you don't know what to feel right now. I wished to goodness the two of you had just separated a few months ago. I think it would have been a healing process.
You really....REALLY must take a few days away from her! Now! Not later, but today! I don't care where you have to go, just get away from her. Give yourself a break and do not put any pressure on yourself about making a decision. You are in no condition to make a decision regarding your marital status. You are wanting to get out of the "situation" b/c it is sukking the life out of you, and your emotions are saying it must mean you don't love her anymore. Strangely enough, that is how a WAS feels!
Stop telling her that you don't love her. Just tell her you don't know how you feel right now. Tell her you are leaving and don't know when or if you'll be back. You need some time and space. ;)Don't tell her where you will be staying. Tell her not to contact you unless it is a real emergency. Keep is short and simple. I mean it.
Remember how I said the WW has to experience loss? For the first time she is feeling the threat of losing you. Does it mean she's changed over night? IDK, but it could shake her out of her fantasy enough for her to finally see what a fool she's been. And just maybe, that she really wants you.
It is very important that you do not pursue her whatsoever right now. She needs to feels the fear of losing you......and knowing she is to blame. You don't tell her all of that, but she will know it in her heart.
You need to let her work to get you back again. Not for punishment, but that will deepen her desire, and I'm sure you want her to desire you. Keep your mouth shut about telling her anything. Don't tell her she'll have to work to get you, nor give her instructions how to do it.
The only exception is when she comes to you with a humble spirit, remorseful, and wants to know what it would take for you to stay. She may not say it in those words, but you'll know the message.
Again, IMO, you must get out of the house and away from any contact with her. Now!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I guess I'm having trouble buying it. I don't think she's deliberately lying, but a little over a week ago she was still struggling with her feelings for OM. Three years of festering disconnect, 6 months of hell, and overnight it changes? Suddenly our issues that a couple of weeks ago were insurmountable aren't that big a deal? I guess I'm having trouble wondering that if it can shift one way that quickly, that it can shift back just as quickly.
I experienced something similar in my sitch. In my case, it was my finally agreeing that we would date others, and then I went on one very casual date. ONE. OMG, you'd think a switch went off. It was the day that our entire sitch turned around.
It kinda depresses me to be honest, to think we humans are such simple creatures, but it's just basic "push/pull" or "chase/capture" male-female dynamics. Think "dogs peeing on fire hydrants," only with a vocabulary, and clothes and stuff.
This shift in the dynamics is exactly what I wanted for the two of you. When the LBH finally drops the emotional rope he had looped around her.....she knows it is for real. Now she is feeling what she should have been feeling two months ago.
Sounds like things are going your way, though I understand your trepidation. Hang in there and see where it leads. I can't really add anything as good as the comments you have gotten above, so I will just say I'm rooting for you, buddy.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I think this could be a pivotal moment for your M. It's very clear what's going on. And you don't need to make a decision today.
Step away for a while, as sandi said . Let W start to pursue YOU. It's her turn now to build some attraction back and make some deposits in your depleted Love Bank. If you find yourself re-attracted to her, you will start to feel love again. Same way it's worked with/for her. But don't deny her the dignity of her own struggle. Decide today you won't make a decision. Let's see if she will do the heavy-lifting for a while. If you could go either way, what do you stand to lose?
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Wow. Great advice. Sandi, I didn't expect your advice to make myself scarce for a while, but God knows I need a break. "Battle fatigue" is a good description. Maybe if I hadn't been so darn afraid of losing her I could have separated earlier and brought this sitch to a resolution that much sooner.
Think "dogs peeing on fire hydrants," only with a vocabulary, and clothes and stuff. - Brilliant, Starsky.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
I couldn't swing leaving the house immediately, that's coming in a few days. She's still recovering from surgery and I needed to arrange a place to go.
I'm sick of this battle. My head tells me to jump back in with her, 100%. We have so many parts of our life that are good. We do love each other, we have so much shared history, we have our family. We do enjoy being with each other. The thought of being without her is devastating to me. Why put her, and me, and our children through a D, for something that might very well ultimately be a temporary fear?
I listen to my head, but my heart's not in it. I'm scared of going back to old patterns, to the old life that I wasn't happy in. Hell, a lot of my unhappiness with how my life had gone had really nothing to do with her. When she offered me her olive branch the other night, my first thought was "Yeah, right...and we'll be right back in the s*** this time next week". The last thing I want to do is jump back in with her and figure out 5 years down the road that I should have taken the chance at freedom when I had it.
The old manipulation game is being played out again. Last night she said to me that she had finally learned to trust me, but that I shattered it again when I didn't leap at accepting her back. I shattered her trust? She's been screaming at me that I ruined her life for the last 6 months. Endless spew, and roller coaster, and manipulation. I held on for any little kindness from her, like an idiot. She'd be upbeat and optimistic one minute and literally hours later our problems were insurmountable. WTF? What am I missing here?
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
The old manipulation game is being played out again. Last night she said to me that she had finally learned to trust me, but that I shattered it again when I didn't leap at accepting her back. I shattered her trust? She's been screaming at me that I ruined her life for the last 6 months. Endless spew, and roller coaster, and manipulation. I held on for any little kindness from her, like an idiot. She'd be upbeat and optimistic one minute and literally hours later our problems were insurmountable. WTF? What am I missing here?
Your head is telling you to jump back into THAT sh*t ^^^^, 100%???
