Is it really to late? Who knows....

[mahhhty]

What are you going to do for his birthday?

[lost18]

No plans. I will get a cake but other than that I'm going to let the kids drive that ship.

[mahhhty]

Is that different than normal?

[lost18]

hmmm...I really have to think about normal. He has been overseas for the past 6 years so we really didn't do anything for his birthday. In hind sight I of course wish I would have. He was never big into his birthday and usually buys whatever he wants so very difficult to get gifts for. Of course, again in hind sight there are things (sexy things) I wish I would have done, especially when he was overseas. Oh well, can only look forward. When he turned 40 I threw a surprise party for him...I think maybe letting the kids drive the train (not ship, I knew that sounded wrong) is different. I usually would be the one asking him what he wanted and suggesting going to dinner.

Other than ignoring it all together, which I won't do because that is not who I am, or making a huge deal of it and buying gifts, also wouldn't feel right, I'm not sure what else might be different.

[lost18]

Don't have much time right now, just wanted to put some quick thoughts down.

We went to dinner last night for H's bday (whole family) Sometimes I'm just not sure I even want to save this M, mostly because I just don't think he will ever look at himself and his role and change his behaviors toward me and I definitely want more. I know I'm no where near that point yet so I shouldn't worry about it. Also, I can forgive the affair because I know it was a symptom of or R, but it is becoming more and more difficult to forgive the way he is treating me now. I know I am going to have to reach deep inside myself to give that forgiveness and I'm struggling with that right now.

Also, I don't think I used the opportunity I had very well. Not that I did anything bad, I just think I could've used the time better. I guess I was a little annoyed with him, sometimes I don't like him very much. I can't quite explain it, just annoying. Which honestly probably wouldn't have bothered me before all this BS....sigh

[mahhhty]

(((lost18)))

[lost18]

Today I found myself in tears. A fellow DBer has given me an amazing gift. Although I can't be 100% sure, I'm pretty sure I know who that amazing person is. Words can't express how thankful and touched I am. I just want you to know that it will not go to waste! <3 <3 <3

[lost18]

I have to say this gift couldn't come at a better time. I probably needed it long ago but just financially couldn't do it.

I feel like I'm back on the downward spiral of frustration and resentment. I know I am still focusing too much on his actions, little things especially with his computer or phone really irritate me. I'm flipping him the bird and saying "F you" behind walls. Not where I want to be. I will breathe deep before I go home today, I am running so that should help.

I did do a little GAL this weekend. There was a festival and I went. D16 wasn't home and D13 didn't want to go so I went by myself. Mixed feelings about that. On one hand I am proud of myself for going, in the past I would not have gone to something like this alone. On the other hand it was kind of depressing. There are some things that are more enjoyable with somebody else.

Last night I went shopping to find some work clothes, I've been working quite a bit lately and have a very small wardrobe. I was trying to find something different, a dress or skirt. I didn't find much but I did buy new perfume!

[mahhhty]

How are you?

You have resentment BC you blame him for things? What do you blame him for?

Something's are better with other people. But enjoying them is better than wishing you had.

[lost18]

I do blame him for lots of things. I'm trying to take ownership for my part but sometimes I feel a lot of regret and find myself saying "If I would have," and I know that doesn't do me any good.

I resent that I feel he has always been selfish as far as doing things, if he didn't want to do something than very rarely would he do it.

I resent that I never felt like his priority, because he didn't make me his priority.

I resent that he let fixable things ruin our marriage.

I resent that whenever we tried to have a real conversation about wants and needs, it always lead back to sex making me think sex was always the problem.

I resent that he left me for 6 years and then came back and dumped me. absence does not make the heart grow fonder.

I resent that he went looking for someone else.

I resent that he gave up.

Mostly, I resent that he is here, in our home, doing what he is doing. My life is on hold (as far as having a fulfilling relationship). I know I'm allowing it, but I do resent him for it.

I'm not sure I've ever written that out before. The thing is I know there is nothing I can do about my resentment except let it go...why am I having such a hard time with that?