Zelda - almost there

[Zelda09]

Thanks, Calibri.
I am hurting, wondering if I'm delusional in how bitchy I was really being about the dam errand. Idk if it is understandable for someone to not be interested in a M suddenly bc of something like that when they swore up and down that was their goal in coming back. In fact when I asked him this yesterday, he got upset on this point alone and said, you're really pis...me off. I told you my goal was s happy M.

I do know I didn't deserve what happened that night.

My no-regrets plan had been to let H take the wheel on this. And he did. Now I sm trying to move the goalposts. It's desperate.

[Calibri]

Z-

How long does it take to process a D in your state?

Mine has a one year physical separation period before you can even file.

Could you not use the time (if it's not something insane like 30 days or less) and just let it be? Instead of holding on or looking for answers, let it evolve how it will?

Two couples come to mind right now, when I think of separation. Both I know very well.

-One couple split, she moved out, they were separated for the almost full year our state requires. The H actually started dating someone else, during the process. I don't know about the W. Eventually they came back together and had worked through their issues to the point where they could address the marital issues.

-The other couple, has an interesting dynamic. H has alot of issues, said he would see a MC, but wouldn't follow through because he didn't want "some stranger telling him there's something wrong with him." But told the W that, "she shouldn't date or sleep with anyone else in case they did reconcile, because he wouldn't get over that." The W let him go, let things happen as they would, but stood for her M. While standing, she realized that she didn't want to work on the M. That she was happy to move forward.

You can process this with or without your H's involvement. H being interested in you or not has no bearing (imo) on processing what's happened.

[Calibri]

Thanks, Calibri.
I am hurting, wondering if I'm delusional in how bitchy I was really being about the dam errand.

I understand completely. I didn't think I was AS bitchy as H said - until I looked back at my actions in horror and then I realized that, oh yes -- I HAD been that bitchy. Some of it towards my H, most of it not, but he unfortunately started taking every bitchy thing I said to heart - even if it wasn't directed at him. That makes me sad, for both myself and him.

Idk if it is understandable for someone to not be interested in a M suddenly bc of something like that when they swore up and down that was their goal in coming back.

I struggled with this alot. I related to what your H said about the straw that broke the camel's back. Know what mine was? An argument about his parent's manipulating him and him going along with it and me, tired from three hours of sleep, frustrated that he was getting manipulated, stressed out because I was packing up and painting a house....I LOST IT. Alot of it was stress based, insecurities that mainly have to do with his parents. And that's where he claimed that he was finally *done* with me. I'm like, over an argument that was over in 10 minutes and that I apologized for? You're leaving over that? But, at that time, enough was enough for him. I scratched my head -- because I'm like, we've had worse fights then this, what about this made it "the end."

In fact when I asked him this yesterday, he got upset on this point alone and said, you're really pis...me off. I told you my goal was s happy M.

Happy marriages, working on things. They all have bumps in the road. He doesn't seem to get that. But honestly, I can't tell what end is up with your H, sometimes. As must you.

My no-regrets plan had been to let H take the wheel on this. And he did. Now I sm trying to move the goalposts. It's desperate.

My H has moved the goalposts alot during our separation. It pisses me off. He's doing what he feels he has to do. So why are you trying to move the goalposts?

[Zelda09]

I am moving the goalposts because my little heart isn't getting the outcome it wanted underneath my angered at how it has gone down and the doormat I don't want to be.

I am desperately hoping that time will buy husband wanting to change himself. I wonder if this can be a really bad move on my part for my own mental health. H was frustrated yesterday, but he said he understood that if I wasn't ready to sign that I wasn't, and that was okay with him but you seriously doubted our marriage had any chance of reconciliation. He threw out the 95% number and an idea that if it were to happen, it would be after divorce. I hardly call that mixed signals in light of everything that has happened.

His point of view, if I choose to believe what he told me: he left me, he wanted our marriage to work, he tried as hard as he could, it was always his goal, and there was the straw that broke the camels back with his temper, he has never been out of control like that, it was wrong and in how he handled it, but he really didn't care it because I brought the argument to him, it felt crazy, he realized he couldn't make me happy, and he is just done now. I had a right to kick him out of the house but he is happy to be on his own.

I am also moving the goalpostsin my own head. I believe it is called bargaining. I was horrified when he told me yesterday that we weren't even three weeks out of that fight, and he was already trying to see and sleep with people. Now for some reason I am wondering if I can just hold out, and let him come to the realization that the cliff he mentioned yesterday the one that he is feeling chased by, isn't our M.
There is no waiting period in my state.

It's like I have a mental split of my husband. I am imagine him in the year as we were happy, and then there is this very cold strange version of him that I've come to know in the last six months. I can't seem to resolve this into one image of him in my mind. I can't seem to except what is happening, without believing that there is somehow a way to bring back what is now past. Rationally, I do know that this is ridiculous. My marriage is done. He is no longer the person he used to be.

why can I not find acceptance with this? I don't want to be with somebody who treats me like this.

[Zephyr]

I think the hurt you are feeling is shared with so many Here, me too. I don't know why we are scared or hesitant to accept the loss of someone who is currently treating us like $hit. Are we stubborn, afraid of being alone, afraid of accepting that there is someone we have shared so much with that just doesn't want that from us anymore...disappointing maybe. I thought for a long time that maybe my fears of being unwanted by anyone in the world was finally coming true, that the one person who saw me as desirable and lovable finally came to her senses and that my fears were true. I know now that is not true. I may not be the most handsome dudw in the world... But I have so much value, I know I would be a catch for virtually any woman in the world. Smart, funny, great father, tender,best shape of my life, great career....etc. Quite a catch.
From what I've read from you, you are too. Just so confusing!

[Zelda09]

Zephyr, thanks a bunch.

I get it. I sometimes fear my H is the balanced one, despite my career, talents, friends, all the things I thought I was happy with, including my general outlook, I thought I was funny, happy. Maybe he was right, and I was never happy. Maybe he is the balanced one, because he can see the situation isn't good and is ready to end it. Maybe he was right about all the things he said about me not being in touch with emotion and all the rest of that crap. Who knows.

A lighter note, it has taken about every bit of willpower to not text him today and let him know that I had an award winning porn star come on to me last night. Figured he wouldn't mind since he was so all about sleeping with everybody? Lol.

Zephyr, I'm sure you're attractive. Model handsome guys are boring to look at, it's always nice when there's a certain balance of features that are distinctive, or like Poe said, true beauty is having one feature a little off. Attractive is in the way we carry ourselves, what we believe, the respect we show through treating our bodies well and dressing as though we like ourselves a bit, yeah? And then there was my H's favorite quote - it's amazing how complete the illusion that beauty is goodness. I wonder if he was talking about himself sometimes.

I had a fleeting thought to tell H in a letter what I really think of his running all these years, the conversations he says that he can't have with himself because he doesn't know how, baking cookies for people because he wants them to like him instead of wanting them to have cookies. Volunteering and having classic books on the shelf not because he enjoys any of it but because of its image. The cliff that he says is chasing him. I do worry for him. As angry as all this makes me, there was somebody worth loving inside of him, and he is not interested in looking at himself much last loving himself, and I want to tell him that. That he can't get self respect and appreciation from outsiders except as fleeting moments. He has to do that for himself. I want to ask him if he can't at least try for a little bit to heal himself before he decides that our marriage was what was making him unhappy.

But that would be me forcing my point of view. It would be me not accepting him where he is now, trying to change him, playing into mother/pursuer.

[Zephyr]

Maybe some day he will come to love himself like you said. Save the letter...That is on him. That is a path that you cannot force him to go down, right? We can focus on loving ourselves and finding our path, which is the prime directive right now!

[Zelda09]

I had two beers tonight and just want to vomit. In the course of one month, my H destroyed an already shattered heart once more with the violence, the apathy, the settlement timing and now wants to sleep around. Because I "brought the argument to him and you know I can't handle it."

I must have been awful to be around. He told me he was too gentle of a creature to handle me. I could cry for days, this is so deeply wrong. I can't hesitate when he wants to sign again. Such a gentle creature is not worth waiting for.

[Zephyr]

Zelda, you will get through this! There is a lot of anger there right now and it is so understandable (I'm a little angry for you). I think you will have to let that anger go before it eats you up. i have seen it many times with friends and family members (and probably my wife, you know If she ever would tell me what is going on in her brain). Resentment will certainly follow, which will not be healthy for you. Tomorrow will be a new day for zelda.
By the way, what kind of beer

[TLEE86]

Z- H can sleep around and do whatever he wants. He wont find what he is looking for. Its just a temporary fix. He will soon realize that nothing can satisfy him because what he is looking for is in you.

Please don't ever question what you did by kicking him out. You had every right and I'm glad you did it. You stood for you and what you are not willing to accept. I am so sorry about what you are feeling, I wish i could just give you a giant bear hug.

Keep your head up Z and drive on. Things will work out. You know it will.