Still feeling in a really positive place. Love that the upswing is lasting so long this time! Yesterday I saw STBX when he dropped off girls and for the first time I really felt mostly ambivalent, although for some reason I felt a little twinge when D7 told me he bought her an Ipad for her birthday.
There's still some cloud in my silver lining though. I realized that I've become a lot more cynical. I work in an office park areas where there's always a lot of workers out taking walks. When it's a couple walking together - I find myself looking for wedding rings and wondering if one of their spouses will find themselves on DB soon. I feel myself becoming a little hard and I don't want that. Hopefully, it will pass eventually. When I see those couples - I am trying to stop my thoughts and just enjoy the exercise and lovely weather.
I did have something meaningful happen this week. 5 years ago, I sent in a cheek swab to the national marrow registry and I've been notified that I'm the closest match to someone who needs a blood marrow transplant. Had a lengthy interview with the transplant coordinator where I had to answered a bazillion questions confirming I have not engaged in any high risk behavior (no - I have never had mad cow disease or engaged in sex with HIV infected prostitutes) and then signed off my consent. They're scheduling me for some additional blood work next week. So, I guess I feel kind of good about that - I hope it turns out I can help this person.
raliced, you never fail to impress me! That's wonderful that you might be a good match for a transplant. What an amazing gift. Your H is a fool to lose a woman like you. Good things will come your way.
I too catch myself feeling "hard" about love (or maybe just less naive)? It will be difficult to allow myself to be vulnerable again, but I think that's just something that happens in time. It will come.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Had a pretty good weekend. Lot's of kid activities (opening day for softball, swim clinics etc). It's already time to sign up for next year's soccer season. I signed up D7 and registered as a coach again. I also started getting my soccer coaching license. After this year, D7 will be eligible to play on a competitive team, but they struggle to find coaches, so I figured I would start working to get the licenses well ahead of time.
The hot tub wasn't working (jets weren't circulating), but after some quality time on You Tube - I was able to figure out the problem.
Instituted a "kids cooking night" on Saturday - we will do our best to always cook a kid friendly recipe together on Saturday night.
Planted a ton of annuals, got the rest of the yard sprayed and started the vegetable garden.
I wonder why it is so much easier for me to get stuff done without STBX around?
Again, I should really be following your sitch more closely. I tend to find Nice Guys and beat them to a pulp with the book, but you have a very similar timeline to mine and seem to be going through the steps at a similar speed. It's nice to see the female perspective. Oh, and you're into statistics!
Originally Posted By: raliced
There's still some cloud in my silver lining though. I realized that I've become a lot more cynical. I work in an office park areas where there's always a lot of workers out taking walks. When it's a couple walking together - I find myself looking for wedding rings and wondering if one of their spouses will find themselves on DB soon.
Haha! Same here. I wrote a few months ago that I imagine myself arguing with every attractive woman I meet. What does she look like angry? What upsets her? Does she scream? What would get on my nerves after a while? After months of convincing myself that WW will soon be back to square one with OM, I've convinced myself that passion never lasts. I see myself being infatuated with the next girl for a whole of 3 seconds until these thoughts come back to me. In any case, even though I see myself in a couple again and being in love, I don't think it will ever be with the abandon I had for WW. It was the first time I was madly in love with a woman AND with her!
I'm glad to see that you're capable of focusing on yourself and GAL, despite having a fairly fresh sitch. I can feel myself going there too, even confessing recently that R might not be a good idea anyway, and sometimes I feel guilty or puzzled that I'm not more attached. I've worked months to detach, yet when it starts to happen, I don't feel that much relief.
I like that you created a kids cooking night. Kids love routines and traditions. Mine love to help, but I thought they were too young for this. I might reconsider.
Good thing for the blood marrow!
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
After months of convincing myself that WW will soon be back to square one with OM, I've convinced myself that passion never lasts. I see myself being infatuated with the next girl for a whole of 3 seconds until these thoughts come back to me. In any case, even though I see myself in a couple again and being in love, I don't think it will ever be with the abandon I had for WW. It was the first time I was madly in love with a woman AND with her!
Thanks Mozza! One thing I should correct - I mistyped when I said "blood" marrow- it's actually bone marrow. IRL, I'm a Healthcare Analyst, and I was coincidentally dealing with some lab reports that day - and must have had blood on the brain. Whoops!
Anyway- I'm interested to read your thoughts regarding future relationships. In this area, I feel like a bit of an outlier on these boards. Lots of threads talk about what they want in future relationships or just the general possibility of having one. I don't ever really wonder about it, other than to think in a very general and mostly practical way that it would be difficult to marry again. I just have a hard time envisioning how that would look with my kids and my home, although I know people do it all the time. You know, I never really wanted to be alone - but I'm mostly ok with being so - although there are a few obvious things I miss.
Yeah, I typed "bone marrow", then went back to check your post and saw "blood" and, since English is not my native language, I thought "I thought marrow was... oh well, it might be a thing!"
I was thinking of a new relationship more towards the beginning of my sitch. I was very concerned about how I would fit someone in this situation. For instance, at my age, I'll likely meet a woman who already has kids, and all that comes with it (schedules, ex-H, etc.). Or a woman who's in a hurry to have kids because she's almost 40. And I don't want any more, or at least I don't want to make a rush decision in the first couple of years of a relationship I don't want to have two separate families on my hands, should another D occur. So, for that reason and others (kids), I would think that the only person that fits perfectly into my life is WW, hence we should really reconcile.
Since then, I've moved my focus more towards me. I'm more interested into casual dating, as you know. And yes, that means ONS, FWB and the likes. That's another kind of relationship and commitment, but not the ones we talk about here. Then again, I can tell that my urge is to connect emotionally with people, that's how I've always done it. I'm afraid of falling for the first person to whom I'm rather physically attracted. I've done it once, twelve years ago, and it created a bit of a mess. I expect that 2-4 years from now I might start to panic and want to build something with a new person. I don't see myself alone for a long time. I feel whole in a couple and I miss this feeling already. But also, I can't see myself lowering my standards just to be in a couple.
As for finding a person that fits, I'm not as concerned now. I think of the "world of abundance" of NMMNG. I realize now that I tend to see a lot of shortages in love and relationships, so it makes me clingy to whatever scraps I find (like a woman cheats on me twice and who's parents reject me by birth) rather than setting my standards until I find the right person. I'd say this is the general message of my IC: Be confident, put yourself out there, be relentless in finding the right person. I also see that WW doesn't click all that much into my life. I don't know that I'll ever trust her not to do it again, because her A seem to be in line with her personality and beliefs (not in cheating, but in passion, the lives of celebrities, romcoms, seeking personal happiness, girl power as self-sufficiency, etc.)
Also, she's from another country and it was always going to be a mess, moving continent every 10 years. I have dreams that are incompatible with this, such as designing my own house and being with my parents in their old age. She left, the awful transition is behind me, I'm starting to be excited about this new life, why do I want to go back in this precarious place where it may happen again in 5-10 years (abroad!) because she's bored of the routine and met yet another handsome, sweet-talking colleague?
At the same time, I'm proud that I really loved her, that I was going to honor my vows and make this relationship work. Though I had my role in the M failings, I won't bear the responsibility of the D or the A. I still consider myself marriage material.
OK, your turn!
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Good topic raliced, Mozza, ahoy! I have found myself in the same place the last few months wondering how anyone could ever make love work and just seeing relationships fail all around me.
I'm hoping to lose the "hardness" as you said Ahoy and raliced. But I don't know that I will. I have been burned pretty badly twice now by two very different guys. I guess now I just think cheating is a part of the deal. When I meet a new flirty guy I always think he must have someone at home and is just being bad. It's very cynical, but then it often turns out to indeed be the case. Friends are having affairs with married people. It's a mess out there!
I mentioned on my thread that I met an intriguing new guy recently. Interestingly enough I immediately pegged him as married and was convinced he was a sleazebag hitting on me with his wife at home. Turns out he's single... So I guess I am in a bit of a cynical place indeed. When a very attractive man approaches me I immediately brush him off as a nasty lying cheater. Why?
Hey Lisa! Good to see you again! And you're right, this is turning into an interesting conversation.
I do worry about this protective "hard" shell I feel forming. I think I've handled the practicalities since BD pretty well and I've also done an ok job on the GAL and PMA. However, there's no denying that I have been thoroughly betrayed and rejected by the one person in the world who quite literally swore an oath to never do either. And that has wounded me deeply-there's just no other way to put it. I don't think I will bounce back from it any time soon. And that disillusionment seems like it will be a hard hurdle to get over. That's the core emotional reason that makes it difficult to imagine ever entering into another relationship.
And there are others. I've built a life I'm happy with. I love my home, and my sister's family and my elderly parents live on an adjoining acreage. I can now be there when and if my parents need some additional help. My kids get to be around their cousins all the time and have a close relationship with them. I live in a rural area - and have more than the ususal number of pets. All of which is something I really wanted, and I would be very loathe to give up. So someone would need to fit into this life - and that seems like it would be asking a lot.
And let's be blunt. I started my family pretty late in life. A lot of men and women my age have kids in High School or even entering college. I'm a 44 year old woman with young children and I'm very, very cautious about the idea of bringing anyone around them. I was pretty protective to begin with and this experience has only heightened that. I know there are a lot of successful blended families out there- but I find the prospect intimidating. And even before that - new relationships, are by their nature, pretty blissful, and I would be worried that would take away from the time, passion and attention I need to give my girls.
Mozza - I was interested to see your comment that you feel more whole while in a relationship. A lot of the female posters, myself included, have commented the opposite, that this experience has allowed them to start finding themselves again (or my confirmation bias might be coming into play, and I'm reading what I want to see). I don't feel that I got completely "lost" in my marriage - but now that no compromises need to be made - it is a lot easier to feel a strong sense of self - and I would never want to lose that again. So- another hurdle for this mythic future relationship.
I'm a little jealous of your ability to pursue casual relationships. Actually, in many ways that seems like the "solution" to some of these worries and problems. I certainly believe that consenting, available adults should do what they want to. But.....I'm just not built that way (it's probably that Puritan heritage rearing it's head again ).
So - all these things add up to my just not giving a lot of thought to the possiblity of a new relationship. You never know what will happen - but I just can't see myself actively looking or pursuing anything.
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