Tooting Marvellous!

[Sotto]

Thanks V, Gan and Jim. V - yes, I've taken a chill pill and it's back to business as usual. Gan, you'll need to give up on that sleeping thing - you miss out on stuff when you do that! Jim, I'm glad you like the thread title. Is it ironic? I'm not sure. It could be taken as Toots being somewhat marvellous. Or it could be taken as a hands on hips, typically British - Oh, bleedin' Marvellous. Make of it what you will, I would say.

Well, it's wet here as promised, and I had a late call up to Mum & Dad's last night, so I'm a bit slow getting started today. I need to log onto work and catch up a bit this morning, and then volunteering at the bookstore this pm. Quietish day for Toots.

I think I get the message from all of the above. Keep on moving forwards and living my own life and leave H to knit his own fog - no problem.

Have a good day all x

[Pink17]

Hi Toots,

I agree that it's positive that your H is taking his time to think about before he talks to you. And the craft stuff sounds more like it remind him of you.

The limbo zone is one of the most torture time but it is somewhat a time to think things over. It also screams that he is very confused right now.

Unfortunately, we are in their time frame, it is not fair at all but we can't rush anything. It is also important to remember that he did not expect you to be reacting the way you are and that alone is probably confusing him right now.

The truth is that he was thinking about you, and more likely talking about you, and that's why he wrote to you. He did not need to write anything, he could just ignore to give you any explanation of why he did not answer you yet.

Be patient, I know you can. Let him deal with all his demons right now. Good short and nice reply you gave him. It's better this way, I am sure he is always confused of why you are reacting the way you do.

You are an amazing and strong person. Let it all fall into the right place when the time is right.

XOXO
Pink

[Vanilla]

Toots

Get on with life. Go GAL.

Have some fun and I hope the tooth is slightly better.

This is a marathon not a sprint my darling one.

V

[Ontheup]

Hey Toots

How long are you prepared to hang in limbo like this?

At the moment it seems your H has all the power. He is deciding if and when he wants to come back to the marriage. How nice of him! You found out a year ago and having been living in this limbo state ever since. GALing of course but still in your mind waiting for him to return
I'm not meaning to come across as insensitive but I am interested to know.

[Sotto]

Hi OTU, thanks for your question. I don't know is the honest answer. I am standing for our M at the moment and I'll continue to stand until I decide not to stand any longer. I don't know when that may be.

It may seem as though my H has all the power, but I don't see it that way. I set firm boundaries from the outset. I moved out of our MH as soon as he told me about his A. I have lived independently since then. He wants to sell our house, but I insist on fully resolving our finances before I agree to sell. He has asked for a D and I have told him that is not what I want, but I will not stand in his way if he chooses to file for D. I have exercised many choices in recent months.

Yes, I think he is considering his options right now. From what I have seen and heard of him recently, I don't think he is in a great place. Things don't seem to have worked out well in terms of his AP, and I think he is somewhat lost and confused.

I guess I don't see myself as 'hanging in limbo.' I see myself as moving forwards. Not moving on yet. I haven't closed the door on a R with him, but certainly moving forwards. Since we S, I have rented my own place, been to see an IC, joined an infidelity support group, joined a book group and calligraphy group, started regular volunteering, taken up yoga, started aqua aerobics, joined a social group, taken up Ceroc.

I'm not standing still - my life is full without H, and I am growing happier and more independent. These are good things whatever happens. Thanks for taking the time to post. You didn't come across as insensitive - it's a valid question, and thanks for asking it.

T

[rd500]

Hi Toots. I have to agree with you I didn't think your life was in limbo , more you are standing for your M. It's a difficult place to be but for me , you have handled it better than most. Your posts are very full of your life and very rarely do you post a "poor me " post ( like I do !!!). you do post if H makes contact but that's what we all wait for ! you need no defending from me but the way you left after BD was very brave and made a huge statement to H. If anything I was of the impression that your H thiought you were finished until your recent email that has given him something to think about Hope your having a good day Toots.

Take care. Rd. xx

[Vanilla]

I do not see you as hanging in limbo either Toots.

Ontheup it can be easy to confuse DBing with being in Limbo but they are not the same. Limbo is inactive, just waiting around moping for another to decide their choiceand Toots definitely isnt doing that she has her own power and chooses to use that to create growth for herself. She goes GAL, has PMA and her own life.

V

[Ontheup]

Hey Toots and everyone else

I did not mean to offend with my question

Toots you are definitely a big inspiration on these boards the way you have handled the whole ordeal and you have certainly been a big help for me when I was posting my own sitch.

Maybe im just way too cynical at the moment as I have pretty much given up all hope for my marriage.
You have definitely made massive strides and you certainly have a full life, I don't question any of that.


Think you pretty much answered it with this statement "I see myself as moving forwards. Not moving on yet"

Once again sorry If I offended.

[Sotto]

Hi OTU - no offence taken at all my friend, and you are always welcome to ask tricky questions. I'm glad if I have helped you in any way with my posts. It is one of the upsides of these sitches that we can offer and receive help.

I get you on the cynical feelings. I live opposite the Registrars office, and when the newlyweds come out for their photos, the 'failure' stats pop into my head. I'm not sure if it is cynicism as such, but certainly a loss of innocence for me about love and marriage. That will never be quite the same again, and I mourn the loss of that.

I certainly don't feel either of us should feel hopeless about our M's - you and I are both 9 monthers, and I remember reading on these boards that it is so rare for sitches to resolve in under 9 months. I guess time will tell for both of us. In a way, I think it is best not to feel hopeful or hopeless and just focus on our own lives. I think I'm willing to carry on with the uncertainty in respect of my M because I have become more detached, and I'm enjoying new things I have been doing. It's less central to me than it was.

I've been Mum-sitting today & we had some good laughs together. She's always up to some kind of mischief or another. Then GAL aqua aerobics tonight and just sat down with a glass of wine. Hope all you lovely DBers are having a nice evening...

Thanks RD and V for your perspectives too...xx

[edz]

Hi Toots

My apologies for not checking in on your sitch over the weekend, it was manic busy as you know. I agree with others postings on here, it seems H is keeping you in his mind, as we've all said the opposite of love is indifference and it doesnt seem to be the case here.

I think there is a point to be had over any of our WAS's who we want back having "control" but then that's to be expected if we want them back and they haven't committed to that yet. You know in my case w admitted that she never wanted to see me again in July, now less so (although it can always turn either way). I wrestled with whether to give up and decided to stand but detach as you have, thats not giving w control or you giving your h control just that one of you has put their cards on the table that you want to save the marriage and the other is debating whether to join in.

When w and I had a chat the other week I validated but made it clear I didnt want a divorce, I will work with w if she chooses to move ahead with me but I dont want either of us or s to be unhappy, either of us can walk away but both of us would need to decide to work on the marriage if it is to work. So know that while H can decide not to come back, equally you can decide you stood long enough as can any of us. Dbing helps us be rounded people to make that call or to stand rather than running purely on emotions or if we had any within the marriage continuing the same behaviours into the future.

In short Toots, keep going you're doing well. You've had some contact and I too am in that 9 monthers club (we really should have t-shirts).

(((((Toots)))))

Edz