Yes Cherry. Last June i found some posts from other sites that i read that started to open my eyes to MAYBE what was going on. i was away on business in Kansas and had a lot of time and tears on my hands. those were very dark days for Zephyr. there was a spark of hope and i started to put on a more positive attitide. it was a few months later than i started to pull back from wife a little. i found this site and it really started to put into context some of the things that i had started to see were making things better. i had done LOTS of soul serching and spoken with IC about many many facetts of my life. I read the DR book back in december (and a couple of times since, along with others) and had a long discussion with the wife about (what i understand now as codependancy). she felt like we were both too wrapped up in each other and blah...blah...blah. but it was actual truth, maybe it was being spun a funny way.
Since i have read the book and started the process, it has felt like things are very different between us. like i said, she has been more pleasant to me. She tries to get in touch with me all the time, sometimes i have time to talk. i have always enjoyed her company immeasurably. we have really connected at times...other times, not as mcuh and i was never sure why. i was blind to the possibility that maybe she could have been in an affair of some kind. Love Blinders. Anyway. between doing the REAL work on myself and the awesome help of those on this site, i feel like a different person than i was even 9 months ago. I AM A DIFFERENT PERSON than 9 months ago. SHE HAS NOTICED.
As far as how long you want to go with this, that is going to be a decision that Cherry and Cherry alone makes. What is best for you and your future? What is Best for your little baby?
I have read Cadet's front page post whenever someone new shows up and evertime i understand a little more of what is on there.
This is why we are granted the gift of time. for us to use and figure ourselves out. to figure out what is going to make us happy. To make ourselves better people WITH OR WITHOUT our spouse.
Zephyr that is great it really is. I like to hear that it's working/ it's real assuring.
I know you're right, wine I know I should soul search. It's just the fact it's like he goes nice and feeds me the lines I wanna hear then goes cold on me. Sends me messages tells me how he will always feel attracted to me and will struggle to not sleep with me.
I just feel so anxious today, just one of those days am guessing. Feel like giving up in general. Maybe I should re read DR..
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Posted by Cadet on Eirinn's thread: Zephyr do you know what YOU want? I would say men are exactly the same as women here.Unsure of what they really want! I will try to sort some of this out. _________________________________ Well that is the ultimate question for each and every one of Us. One that I'm not sure many can honestly answer. It is certainly something that I've been struggling with for the last 6 months (longer if you count all the struggles not knowing what i was fighting with in my head all this to me) of my life and something I've not been able to answer. what do I really want vs. What don't I want and can I be happy with my life as is or do things need to be changes drastically, subtly???
is The super dad mantra what I want... to be a great dad, it is something I've always wanted. niw i have two not so littlw boys who i want ro be a part of thier loves. How can I love my children and be a great father to them and not live with them under the same roof, not be the one to raise them. It goes against all that I have felt as the right thing to do my whole adult life. That is something that I need to resolve. even if I am to live with them it is something I need to work on. Do I stop coaching their teams, going to all their events...I tuck them in virtually every night...memories of singing them to sleep every night still warms my heart.
I want to love and be loved. I want to feel a woman's kiss on my lips. I want to feel desired to feel like there is someone in this world who wants me to touch them...to make pleasure them and for them to want to actually touch me, want to actually pleasure me, wants to meet my needs as a man and to show me thier passion, desire, intimacy whatever you want to call it. I am tired of seeing wife give dog more affection than she is willing to share with me.
I want to feel appreciated for my efforts. Whether it is working at a job to make a living, working at the house to maintain it or projects to make it better, whether it is paying bills or doing chores, cooking dinner, shopping, helping kids with homework, whatever. I do things things because they need to be done. I don't wake up in the morning and say, man I can't wait to get to be he store? It is part of life, but it would sure be nice for someone to not only acknowledge my efforts but really appreciate what I give. I used to get PO'd sooo often when I did chores when they would not even be noticed or cares about...in had to stop keeping score and do these things out of love. I expected that the more I did, the more I would be shown affection. I know it does not work like that. I just want to feel some appreciation. And no I cannot just leave it. I've been trying so hard to resolve this. I have not touched the sink in 4 days because i am tires just doing the dishes without a thought. There were no bowls spoons for breakfast for my children. When wife gets up she will come down and force the boys to do the dishes, there will be much fighting then wife will go bury her head into the ultra reality that is Facebook. I guess I simply want someone to do their share rather than bitch about things and do nothing themselves to change it.
Things i like to do: travel, go see football games, concerts or juwt live music, breweries / wineries to try new stuff, hiking, go shooting, gaming with friends, golfing, fishing.
Things I actually do: golfed once last three years. Went on one real trip each 3 of last 5 years. Do game, by not as much as I'd like, shooting only twice a year, beer - wine tasting maybe on average once every two months, football games 1/2 years, concerts 1 per year. Sounds like a bunch but it comes out to maybe one fun thing per month. just not enough it would seem if I put it into perspective.
How do I fit more into my life, something will suffer. travel, etc. Is not cheap. Do I sacrifice our retirement planning to get more into my expendable budget? Do I just start ditching my commitments to my kids in the fall for their soccer games so I can go tailgate and watch a silly game of football? Who do I go with ... It is not as fun by myself. how do I get to do more without more vacation time?
I enjoy reading, listening to music...those sorts...I can't do them after work because I am helping kids with homework or getting dinner ready or soccer practices. By time kids are in bed I'm tired and ready to fall asleep watching a show or after 2 pages of a book. I've got weeks of programs recorded that I'll never watch and tons of books it feels like I'll never finish.
This is all stuff I need to sort out...I am not sure what to do...maybe an IC visit is in order.
Thanks Toots. We read the book and did all of those exercises back when she first told me how unhappy she was feeling...3+ years ago. for me physical touch was by far #1. Acts of service, QT and words of affirmation were all basically lumped together. acts was just in front of words. Gifts was last by a long shot.
It is sad...Xmas wife bought me a guitar and lessons for a gift. It was so thoughtful and wonderful I cried, I actually cried from a gift because it felt like a loving gesture from her...just goes to show how empty the old love tank was. BTW, gifts, acts & words are her top thee and QT & physical came in pretty far down. Now I don't know how honest she was being with that, but I know she always used to appreciate thoughtful gifts which is what made me so happy with the guitar...in my mind it was a true act if love.
Knowing the languages was important. Trying to implement that info into my understanding of our interactions and practicing took lots of time. It was hard for me to understand that a thank you hug meant so little to wife where are a nicely worded card and flowers meant so much more. Not only how I should be expressing my love and appreciation for her, but how I was evaluating how she was trying to convey similar back to me. I was expecting a thank you hug but only got back a nice wordy thank you from her...well I never understood that was how she was trying to express her love or admiration or appreciation. Once I figured this out and was able to, in practice, express my love to her in ways that she wanted...it was likely too late and she has already checked out. I did not know this at the time, so was getting quite frustrated that my efforts was disregarded or were pushing her further away...I had no idea about the pursuit - withdrawal dynamic. Where was this info 10-15 years ago?
Ah yes, love language. The first I heard about it was in wife and OM texts. BTW, he is touch and hers is smell supposedly. Who knows what mine is? I was never asked.
Ok, bitter rant over.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
