Trying to Follow DB & DR (2)

[Miman2]

Any recommendations for books on communication and how men and women relate to one another?

[Mozza]

Beyond DB and DR, the cannons around here are No More Mr Nice Guy, The 5 Love Languages and Codependency No More. They're very often mentioned around here and I'm surprised you haven't heard of them yet — make sure you read other people's sitches to learn about your own.

I'd like to add to the list Models: Attracting Women Through Honesty by Mark Manson. The first few chapters are about attraction, neediness and vulnerability.

[Miman2]

I have 5LL and I know I heard of NMMNG.
I think I saw the codependency no more mentioned somewhere.
Is the workbook for CNM a good one?

I'll have to look into Models.

[Miman2]

How do I best interact with mutual friends who don't "know" ?

I just ran in to two friends of hers from school over lunch. After graduation they barely talk anymore.

I asked if they had seen her lately and they said no, but one of them was supposed to start doing some work at the company W works at.

I told them we'd been separated for 2 months now. They were shocked. I mentioned that it's probably not my place to say anything, they mentioned that it's something that's happening me and I can talk about it if I wanted.

I mentioned how she said she had no one around her friendwise and how she doesn't seem to be talking to anyone else. They expressed their condolences, well wishes that things worked out and hopes that the next time they see me it will be under better conditions.

Should I just have said hello asked how they were doing and gone about my day? I'm pretty sure they would've asked how the W was doing anyway, so it was bound to come up...

[Cadet]

Should I just have said hello asked how they were doing and gone about my day? I'm pretty sure they would've asked how the W was doing anyway, so it was bound to come up...

I think the less said the better.

One of my daughters cousins just found out that I was divorced (3 years ago) bomb drop almost 6 years ago.

It really doesnt make that much difference once you are detached enough.

[Miman2]

I suppose so. Now I'm sitting here thinking they're going exhibit pursuit behavior for me by trying to reach out to the W, seeing how she's doing, and probably mentioning they ran into me.

[MrBond]

"Should I just have said hello asked how they were doing and gone about my day?"

Yes.

"I'm pretty sure they would've asked how the W was doing anyway, so it was bound to come up..."

Really? I didn't know you could predict the future. Let it go. YOU WANTED to tell them. Trust me, we all do that in the beginning. Misery loves company. You essentially wanted others to join your pity party. It'll make you feel a little better at that moment, but then you get depressed again. Bottom line is that it doesn't change anything in your sitch.

"Now I'm sitting here thinking they're going exhibit pursuit behavior for me by trying to reach out to the W, seeing how she's doing, and probably mentioning they ran into me."

Again, mindreading. AND, that's what you want to happen. Even more control on your part. Manipulating others to hopefully do what you want.

[Bob723]

Hello Miman2,

Hang in there! I highly suggest taking MrBond's advice.

He is one of the best on this forum.

Take care of yourself.

Bob

[Miman2]

Thanks Bob and MrBond.

Journaling a bit:

GAL:
Friday night was a quiet night for me. Laundry and Netflix Daredevil mini-marathon.

Saturday was a blast. Went to the Japanese meetup again. There's a woman there who divorced her husband last year. She's been really friendly to me, I think shes trying to set an example of how things will be better eventually. Her sitch was REALLY bad, and she came through it really well.

After the Japanese meetup up I headed to one of the local comic/gaming shops, turned out Saturday was international board gaming day. So there was a huge group of people playing all sorts of games. I think I wound up losing something like 5 hours there socializing and gaming.

That place shut down their activities pretty early. I found another place across town that was going to go until midnight but I thought better of it and headed home to feed the cats, myself, and continue my mini-marathon.

PMA:
Overall PMA is decent I think. I'm not crying over missing the W or anything all that much anymore, maybe once every other day or so.

I mostly feel upset and angry at myself for being stupid enough to allow us to get to this point, I can't yet forgive myself. At church today the message was about a woman who held on to her anger over her ex-H for 10 years and how it was like "holding a smoldering ember in her hand". By not letting go she has only harmed herself. The message continued to say how one should not only forgive others but be mindful to forgive oneself.

I've been listening to this one song, almost nonstop, every chance I get, called "Man of Sorrows". It's a religious song that mentions being forgiven and every time I hear it, it brings me to tears. I think it's because I don't have mine or my W's forgiveness. I know there's not a whole lot I can do about her's. The fact that I can't seem to forgive myself is another sign that I'm still too attached/codependent to her. It's another form of me seeking her approval.

There is one other thing that is starting to get to me. I find that I'm starting to feel angry at my W. Its not about how or what she's doing, but the lack of wanting to reconcile. While my head knows that it's not 100% off the table for good, it's not even being considered right now. I read that "fcuk yes/no" article the other day, while I feel like "fcuk yes" I want to work on things she's said "fcuk no".

So there's this anger that seems to be brewing inside of me. Even though nothing has been said between us since Thursday before last. I start to wonder how people who went YEARS before things started turning around made it without getting to that point of anger where, when their spouse wanted to work on things they didn't say "forget it, it's been too long"

I love my W and still would love to reconcile with her. I worry that this anger is a poison that will eat away at that. I suppose the answer is to GAL more so I don't have the time to let this pop into my head...

I ordered those books the other day. NMMNG, Models and CNM. They should be here Tuesday I believe.

[Bob723]

Hi Miman2,

You're welcome. This part really caught my eye from your last post. I have wondered the exact same thing, so please know that you are not alone.

So there's this anger that seems to be brewing inside of me. Even though nothing has been said between us since Thursday before last. I start to wonder how people who went YEARS before things started turning around made it without getting to that point of anger where, when their spouse wanted to work on things they didn't say "forget it, it's been too long"

Believe me, I undertand feeling angry and you have every right to be. I think you are going to have to find a way to look at things thru your W's eyes a little more. Like my W, her thoughts are probably very distorted, but to her that is her reality. That might help alleviate some of the anger you are feeling.

Am I making any sense? I hope so!

Bob