Winhamn intro - D in process, WAW

[Winhamn]

I am having a lot of trouble with obsessing with thoughts about the divorce.

It's just all I think about.

I yearn so deeply for her to just say "let's try".

Part of the issue is that I feel so rejected and inadequate right now. I feel like such a failure.

One of the reasons yesterday was so good for me was that I had such great time with the kids and I really felt good about myself.

I'm still just venting.

Off to read Sandy's rules.

[Winhamn]

Should I be initiating conversation with her?

I do for kids stuff. But not really other things.

I guess I'm not sure if showing interest is the right move. One of our issues was that we didn't connect well, so I'm not sure being disinterested is exactly the right move.

However, in her mind right now our entire marriage is negative and bad (ironically, in my mind right now everything was really positive...the truth is obviously somewhere in the middle) so I'm not sure trying to instigate any conversation is doing me any good.

[Bob723]

Should I be initiating conversation with her?

I do for kids stuff. But not really other things.

I guess I'm not sure if showing interest is the right move. One of our issues was that we didn't connect well, so I'm not sure being disinterested is exactly the right move.

However, in her mind right now our entire marriage is negative and bad (ironically, in my mind right now everything was really positive...the truth is obviously somewhere in the middle) so I'm not sure trying to instigate any conversation is doing me any good.

Hi Winhamn,

First, thank you for posting on my thread.

I do not think you should be initiating conversations with her. I have learned the hard way about the distancer /pursuer dynamic. My suggestion is to give her a little space right now.

Please hang in there. I'm sure one of the "veterans" on this board will offer some really good advice. Post often so we can keep up with your situation.

Bob

[pilot]

Do not instigate any conversation unless it relates to your kids. Remember, your W does not want you to, she does not want to hear from you, and any attempt you try and make to "clarify" what you might see as errors in her recollection of your past will be met with fury and push her farther away. Sadly, there is nothing you can do or say at this moment which will do anything but hurt your R. The very best thing you can do is nothing. Leave her alone, give her the space. She is on a journey which does not include you. I know it is impossibly tough and extremely counter intuitive but this is what DBing is about.

[Winhamn]

Our interactions tonight were warm. It felt good.

Pilot, she initially put out the vibe very much that she does not want to see me and had no desire to talk to me.

A week later, things have softened and the vibe is warm(er). We have enjoyable, kid-centric interactions.

She is cooking for me, and is grocery shopping for me.

In fact, she's grocery shopping as we speak.

I'm not sure what to do when she gets home. Maybe I know the answer.

On one hand, I want to help her bring the groceries in. It could be a warm process. Plus I'll be eating some of that stuff.

On the other hand, I could make myself scarce. Which would be obviously not pursuing.

[Winhamn]

any attempt you try and make to "clarify" what you might see as errors in her recollection of your past will be met with fury and push her farther away.

I do want to clarify that I do not talk about our relationship. The first couple days, actually the only time I talked about how we had good things, was Tuesday of last week when she told me she was continuing the divorce process.

That night, after the kids were in bed, I took anxiety meds and feel asleep. The next day I met with my IC, poured my heart out there, and she pointed me at DB, which as I said I was fairly familiar with the concepts, so I sort of snapped to.

It feels like there is a fine line between reminding her of how things were when they were good, and pursuing.

[Winhamn]

I know it is impossibly tough and extremely counter intuitive

Just quoted for truth

[pilot]

While there is not much to go on regarding your story (your posting is only on its 2nd page) it is very hard to say anything with any certainty regarding your W and her intentions. That being said...

Your W up and announced she was done with you and was filing a D that week. Through email no less. What that tells me is she either is afraid to tell you in person because of how you will react or how she will react. Im going to assume you are not a violent person so lets just for the sake of discussion go with how she will react. It may very well be she does not want to see you hurt. And her softening up to you may be her way of trying to be nice about it, or worse, making her feel better about it. Bottom line is she has not backed off her decision, and likely will not any time soon. I did not see any mention of an A or OM in this picture, but experience here tells you (me included) just because you dont suspect it does not mean it is not there.

If your W is anything like the other WAS on this forum, and odds are she is, then she does not want your help, she does not want your affection, she basically does not want anything to do with you. And I know that can be a tough pill to swallow, especially as a guy because we are hard wired to fix things that are broken, and your M is broken. It is hard to sit back and do what feels so unnatural which is to back off, but believe me and every other person who has stood where you are now, backing off is by far the best course of action you can take. Do not mistake her kindness for reconciliation. She may even want to have sex at some point too. You are going to have to learn to just back off, and say no thank you to her. She will want to cake eat. Meaning she will want to know you are still there as a plan B in case her plan A does not work out how she had thought. She will feed you just enough bread crumbs to survive, but never thrive.

Best advice you can follow in the early stages when you are conflicted about what to do, take a moment and come to the board and post an urgent plea for guidance. Post the situation and what you are thinking about doing. You will find many who have already walked in your shoes quick to offer good and non emotionally driven advice. Then listen to them. People are here to help you and if you let them you will find yourself in a better place. And it will feel wrong at your core at times, but trust me, in a few months you will look back and think 'why did I not think of that myself'.

Good luck to you

[pilot]

any attempt you try and make to "clarify" what you might see as errors in her recollection of your past will be met with fury and push her farther away.

I do want to clarify that I do not talk about our relationship. The first couple days, actually the only time I talked about how we had good things, was Tuesday of last week when she told me she was continuing the divorce process.

That night, after the kids were in bed, I took anxiety meds and feel asleep. The next day I met with my IC, poured my heart out there, and she pointed me at DB, which as I said I was fairly familiar with the concepts, so I sort of snapped to.

It feels like there is a fine line between reminding her of how things were when they were good, and pursuing.

This might make it a little relatable to you via my own experience. I got my BD out of the blue. Always thought I had the perfect M. Never even dreamed we had a problem. After BD she was super distant. Just like very other WAS here. At that time I was not so much into the begging/crying but I was definitely crowding. Fast forward a month with a few date nights and other attempts I was making at reconnecting, and an event happened which made me decide to tell her I was done with our M. No sooner than those words coming out of my mouth she got up sat in my lap and it was hugs all day long. For the next few months everything seemed great in our M. We were getting along, laughing, sex, basically like this was all behind us. Then I discover OM. In future discussions she admits that during that time I thought we were reconciling, she was never even considering giving our M any effort.

I tell you this not to discourage you, but to let you know that it is very easy for people in our situation to want to grasp at any good news and latch on to it. But make no mistake her mind is not on you and not on working on your M.

[Winhamn]

Thank you Pilot.

She's had a ONS PA before, which she readily admitted without me asking, and an EA before, where she gaslighted me, lied extensively, etc.

This does not have the same feel. I know everyone always says "oh not my wife..." but honestly I don't think this is an OM situation. Also, I've been down the digging for truth road and know it makes me crazy. At this point, I don't need that.

It's so weird at this point to be in the same room with her and have nothing but silence. Ack.