"...I still fall on my face sometimes And I can't color inside the lines 'Cause I'm perfectly incomplete I'm still working on my masterpiece And I, I wanna hang with the greats Got a way to go, but it's worth the wait No, you haven't seen the best of me I'm still working on my masterpiece..."
-- "Masterpiece" by Jessie J
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Just to build on this point, a personal experience from a woman's POV:
My H is a workhorse. His stability and work ethics were the top two reasons I was attracted to him in the first place. In 2010, and without my full support, he changed jobs and industries (in an effort to "find happiness") and took a massive paycut (about 50%). Our house almost ended up in foreclosure because we could not keep our heads above water, and H didn't seem to care. It wasn't feasible for me to go back to work because my S8 was still a toddler, and my wages would have done little more than pay for childcare. (I would also later discover I was pregnant with D3.)
I lost an enormous amount of respect for H during that time. And, looking back, it's exactly when everything in our M started going downhill, leading to BD and the A in 2014.
But here's the kicker: By 2014, H was back to working two jobs ... both of which were in the industry he had left in 2010. We were caught up on bills and even started having enough to enjoy life a little again. That stability was enough to keep me solidly planted in our M and for H to earn back some of the respect I had lost for him in the years prior. But I had stopped meeting HIS needs in the meantime. And - wham! - the BD and A. Vicious cycle.
All that to say: it's true. Women really and truly value financial stability. We seem hard-wired for that, for better or worse. And I may be reaching here, but judging from personal experience and discussions I've had with H since he's been back home, I think men are hard-wired to provide and to succeed. And if a man feels his W is the breadwinner or more successful than he is, professionally? Sometimes - perhaps without even noticing it - I think it can damage his ego and his self-confidence. And if that's the case, he will have entered the nasty, vicious cycle. Because a woman loves and admires a *confident* man.
This one really hit something for me. Not that I was a couch potato by any means ... back in 2009 she lost her job and was out of work for over a year, I worked my normal 40 and picked up DJ gigs ... 3 nights a week to try and save the house. After she found work .. it was touch and go, she hated the places she worked and bounced around for 3-4 years (Was one of these places she met OM) so during that time I wanted to move into something else but her sitch was not stable so I opt'd to stay and be under paid/under employed because it was secure.
Reading your sitch .. maybe there is a parrallel there ... not sure. I acutally started a new job, better pay, much better place for me about 3 weeks prior to BD, since then I have been promoted and 2 large pay raises, she does not know of the pay increases ... not like we have ever really talked about me and my life in a year ... lol.
Anyways .. this post made me realize there was some built up resentment from her, and with MLC they forget the circumstances, toss logic out the window and only focus on what they want to use to justify the inner monster ...
All of that is really interesting... Especially to consider from the viewpoint of my R/M which is same-sex... In our case, my W has always taken on the provider role (she is not masculine by any means -- but has always taken on the breadwinner/provider role), but it is now clear to me that there has been some built-up resentment over me not making more than I do.
I do wonder how or if the dynamics would shift when I do get back to being employed full-time -- especially if, based on my experience yesterday in the interview, I end up in a higher-level, fairly well-paying (for public education) job. It may really be too late for it to make a difference right now b/c W is neck-deep in Replay and very happy to remain there as far as any of us can tell. Whether she comes out of the fog and begins to progress through the tunnel or not, at least I'll be doing much better financially than I ever have on my own and that is important regardless of the final outcome.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
All of that is really interesting... Especially to consider from the viewpoint of my R/M which is same-sex... In our case, my W has always taken on the provider role (she is not masculine by any means -- but has always taken on the breadwinner/provider role), but it is now clear to me that there has been some built-up resentment over me not making more than I do.
I do wonder how or if the dynamics would shift when I do get back to being employed full-time -- especially if, based on my experience yesterday in the interview, I end up in a higher-level, fairly well-paying (for public education) job. It may really be too late for it to make a difference right now b/c W is neck-deep in Replay and very happy to remain there as far as any of us can tell. Whether she comes out of the fog and begins to progress through the tunnel or not, at least I'll be doing much better financially than I ever have on my own and that is important regardless of the final outcome.
I was also curious about your take on that with the same sex marriage but reading your sitch I though there could be a possibility of some resentment ... honestly I think that is only natural and really is a non sex issue, I think it just feeds into the 'providers' ego to be honest. Add in some MLC and that just adds to the justification factor ya know?
Like you I wonder .. ok .. get out of the tunnels, fog lifts and who knows how the MLCr will view the LBS, the important thing is ... the job adds to ones confidence, gives independence, makes us the ruler of our own domain if you will ... all these traits add to attraction regardless of who might come courting is not really important ... its OUR journey and this makes US better.
the job adds to ones confidence, gives independence, makes us the ruler of our own domain if you will ... all these traits add to attraction regardless of who might come courting is not really important ... its OUR journey and this makes US better.
EXACTLY!
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
I'm still on a "high" from the interview. I was so burned out when I left the district 5 years ago, but the interview has me feeling very re-energized and excited about the possibilities... I didn't realize how much I missed engaging with people in that work...
As I explore what I feel today, I now realize what I lost about myself as I became burned out (at work) and then left working full-time to begin working part-time from home. Today I really feel like I am re-connecting with a part of myself that has been buried or in hiding for the past several years... A part of me that was definitely active and alive when I met my W -- but I let it become buried or go into hiding as I started to get burned out and definitely once I started working from home.
And that part of myself was most definitely a strong, independent, and confident woman with a great deal of passion for my work and it's impact on children and adults. I think I forgot "she" existed -- but "she" does exist and "she" is very ready to re-emerge and continue making a difference :-)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Was riding so "high" after my interview then overhead W talking to OW last night about U.S. citizenship and how she's been talking to a friend of hers who went through it to get an idea on how to speed up the process... WTH!?
This bothers me, but not quite so much as it would have a few months ago... So there's a bit of progress there... But it does still bother me.
This is all just so stupid... and I can tell from what I overhear and what I've read in the past between them that it seems very clear that my W is definitely driving this A completely... She seems very skilled at calming OW's fears, concerns, guilt, and at orchestrating logistics of the trips as well as this apparent plan for OW to gain citizenship. I am also aware of large sums of money being given to OW to help with expenses (some medical bills as well as $$ for her flight here.) So grateful that my W and I have always had our finances separated from each other... The only financial concern I have is if W loses her job in the near future and I am not yet employed at a salary that would allow me to pick up the mortgage -- that is the only way that this spree of spending $$ on OW could hurt me and the kids. What a ridiculous situation -- and the worst part is that right now W is not cycling back into Monster so she appears on the surface with everyone -- including with me -- to be happy and completely rational in everything she is thinking, saying, and doing... And as far as I can tell, none of her friends (that she has now confided in about the OW), have given her any kind of critical friend advice like "What in the world are you thinking?! She's how old? From where? And you met when and how? And you are tearing your family apart for this?!" Nope -- as far as I can tell everyone seems to think it's perfectly okay... Most, if not all, of the family members on the other hand think quite differently and are horrified by what she is doing... But she's not listening to any of them...
I also know that she has a doctor's appointment with our family doc today. Family doc knows -- because of my recent frequent appointments -- everything that is going on including my suspicions that W has been dealing with undiagnosed depression for several years and that it might have been triggered during pregnancy with hormone shifts (which may have been stronger than normal since age at pregnancy was 38)... Will be interesting to see if she is able to diagnose depression today and prescribe anything for my W... I also hope she pushes for testing hormone levels (I'm pretty sure there's a perimenopause factor in all of this as well)... Of course, I won't be able to know any of that for certain because my W won't tell me -- but I am saying some prayers around it this morning with the intent that God will guide the doctor with the right questions, words, and suggestions to get through to my W on some level. Again -- I know that none of that is a quick fix and I wouldn't be surprised if ADs just make her feel less guilt over everything she is doing to me and the kids... But at least she's finally going to see our doctor for something.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Found out from my friend at the district yesterday that the lead interviewer was still raving about me yesterday afternoon in a meeting and that some people wanted to see my resume/CV asap! Awesome news!!!!!
Today is the last day before spring break, so if I don't hear from anyone today then it will be at least a week before I hear anything from anyone... But I am definitely feeling that something good is just around the corner for me professionally. :-)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Heard more from my friend... actually she forwarded to me the email that the lead interviewer sent out to about 5 other people... Keywords from the email:
Subject line: Resume- SUPER candidate
• she is an exceptional candidate • she is absolutely phenomenal • her wonderful qualifications • She is a gem
:-)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
So before I share the following information, let me clearly state that OW is still in the picture and my W still seems to be completely "in love" with her and focused on separation from me. I just found the following things interesting over the past few days...
W had an appointment with our family doctor on Friday morning. I only knew about it because W's mom told me about it. W did not put it on our shared family calendar but did have her dentist appointment on the calendar earlier in the week. I assumed it wasn't on the calendar because for whatever MLC-thinking reason she just didn't want me to know about it.
On Thursday morning I had to take one of the kids to a doctor appointment. The pediatrician's office isn't far from our doctor. Thursday night -- just before telling me goodnight -- W asked me how long it took me to get to the pediatrician's office that morning. I told her but didn't ask why she wanted to know. I didn't ask because 1) she grew up here, 2) knows what traffic is like in certain parts of town, and 3) all of doctors have been in the same places for YEARS. I didn't ask, but as soon as I told her she offered up that she was curious because "I have an appointment with (doc's name) tomorrow morning and was just wondering what time I probably need to leave." Again -- W grew up here and knows this city much better than I do and has been going to this doctor for more years than we've been together -- she knows how long it takes to get there in the morning, she knows what time she needs to leave in the morning to get there on time, and -- most importantly -- she has NEVER asked me a question like that because she "knows" the city and the traffic better than I do... I'm usually the one who asks those kinds of questions.
I just responded by affirming her thought on what time she should leave the house. I did not react to her statement about having a doctor's appointment... Definitely acted "as if" when she mentioned it.
Friday morning -- again -- I acted "as if"... In fact, I never even mentioned her doctor's appointment or asked her to let me know how it goes... (which is out of character for me as a caring W). Did not say anything... Just told her to have a good day like I normally do when she leaves.
Friday night -- we are discussing plans for Saturday and she asked if it would be okay for her to schedule a pedicure for mid-morning. I said sure. A little while later -- after she made the appointment -- she told me that it would be at 10:00 a.m. I said "okay, no problem." Then she says "I need to leave a little earlier than normal for it because I need to drop off a prescription that (doctor's name) gave me." I said "okay, no problem." then she said something about swinging by Mcdonald's afterwards to pick up lunch for the kids. Again -- I acted "as if" when she mentioned dropping off the prescription and did not ask any questions. I do think mentioning that she needed to leave a little early and why (to drop off the prescription) was totally unnecessary information to share with me -- not something that would have been a big deal to mention in the past. While I am very curious what the prescription is, I did not ask her.
I don't think she picked up the prescription today because I can't find it anywhere. I would love to know if it's for an antidepressant. But could be anyone's guess what it is...
I also find the statements she made so odd to me... why hide the info about the appointment from our shared family calendar, but then the night before tell me about it (in a weird way) and then mention the prescription like she did... It was all very odd...
Oh -- and we've been getting along great -- like really great, as if everything was just fine between us just without the physical affection, without the "I love you's", and without sleeping in the same room... But I know for a fact that OW is still in the picture, they still believe they are madly in love, and are still intent on being with each other somehow, someway despite the geographic distance.
Just all very bizarre...
And we have some fun family plans tomorrow morning with just the two of us and the kids -- I really am looking forward to it. Today was also just a good day at home with us and the kids... I hope all of this very positive family time is getting filed away somewhere in her brain to be processed later as "gosh, we really do have a happy little family -- WTH was I thinking/doing?!"
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
